Dad Turns 40

 

Well, 2024 has rolled around and with it so has my 40^th birthday. Honestly, I didn’t reflect on the passing of my 30’s to 40’s as much as one might think, I planned two major events- that I will delve into shortly, but overall it seemed a less than noteworthy passing. Although now reflecting on it I may have a different opinion.

So, to begin with, I pondered what I wanted to do for my 40^th. I thought about the things I loved, and outdoors, friends, adventure, bourbon and cigars came to mind. Keep in mind that this was not “what I love the most” type thinking- otherwise that would have revolved around you three, this was, if I could feel spoiled for a day what would that include. What I landed on was that I wanted to explore more of the west with people I loved, riding dirt bikes, hiking, hunting, shooting, smoking cigars, and drinking a rare bottle of bourbon I had been saving for 3 years (Thomas H Handy Sazerac). Also your mother and I are going to do a trip to New Zealand which has always been very high on my list of places to visit. I am going to note the friends I had accompany on my trip because I think its worthwhile: Nick Hutchens, Sean Bishop, Rory Starks, Ian Tomich, Ryan Stevens, Dan Martin, Kevin Art, and Cameron Wyatt. I wanted to note the names because in a strange way, I knew the 9 of us would never again be gathered together like this in the same place. Growing older means increasing in wisdom- if you are purposeful about it anyway- and wisdom nowadays is knowing that these types of things are rare, that life happens, and to never take anything for granted.

The weekend went off without a hitch. Everyone was able to show up, and we did everything I wanted to. I was able to share a toast with the guys I had by and large shared my adult life with, and I was able to sit quietly as the night grew longer, reflecting on what each of them meant to me, the life I had passed in this place I had hunted and explored through the years (Bloody Basin off the 1-17 north of Phoenix), and that a certain part of my life was over, never to be repeated. If I had one wish it would be that I could sit and tell each of those men what they meant to me. Some of them know- as when a close friend passed years ago I wrote 3 of them letters with very specific requests if that should happen to me (Sean, Ian, Rory) but the rest may not know, that is simply folly and awkwardness on my part.  Though as I have grown older I do much better with telling people what need be said, as I have seen that the hours and days are fleeting.

Now to the part that involves you three. My constant companion, perhaps the companion of all parents- the question that nags at us; do you know I love you, am I doing what I should to better your life, do you feel safe and loved, do you know that I am a flawed man, but that I do everything I can to make sure you have a better life than I had? Better life, what a trap of a phrase. From an American standpoint we may take it to mean richer, more abundant in possessions. What I mean is far from that. When I think of better life I think of freedom, knowing truth and goodness, surrounded by beauty, full of love and the peace that it brings, being understood and accepted for who we are, while still striving to better ourselves- not for ourselves- but so that others may benefit. If there is a judge and jury of this world on how I conducted my life it will be the three of you, and of course Mom who knows me better than anyone ever will. I feel that weight, and I should, as you are my God given responsibility. I also know acutely how I have failed you, and sometimes it haunts me. It is no great surprise to me that in a fallen world a fallen man has arrived short of his ideals and those that were set before him, but nevertheless, I reflect on all the times I could have done better as a father, your father.

When I turned 40, Cora you were 13, Deacon 10, Quinn 7. The things that were important to me: our vacations and adventures, showing you that money was not the ultimate goal, making sure you felt understood and loved where you were in life, making sure you knew I would always be there for you and love you no matter what, pushing you to be the best version of yourselves by telling you of all the lessons I had learned over the years the hard way, laughing and playing with you, being silly, cuddling before you were too big to not want to cuddle anymore, saying I was sorry when I was wrong and you were right, being excited about the things you were excited about, making sure you had experiences that would enrich your life, showing you what a man should be.

A glimpse into your father. As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room in Olympia WA, I had work meetings today and then spent 3 hours driving to Mt Rainer and back because I wanted to see it, and I love driving alone through unfamiliar places and listening to music. All I desire is freedom, I often wish the world had 40% less people and that it was a wilder unexplored place so that I could discover it in solitude, or with a close group of adventuresome friends. I stopped and got a coffee a roadside stand and found a quiet forest road to park my rental car. I walked among the moss-covered forest giants and allowed myself to feel the cold winter air on my skin, sitting quietly in the soft rain that was falling, in the stillness, when people do not visit this forest, being happy for a time that it was just mine, for the reprieve it brought from the world at large, its troubles and distractions. I was, and am, very happy in that place, and a hundred places like it I have detoured and traveled to.

I was reflecting on the somewhat specific number of the past 17 year with your mother recently. It struck me that so much time had gone by, and in retrospect I had difficulty grasping the significant details during those years that transpired. Certainly there were the momentous occasions, your births, moves, vacations and so forth. However, intertwined there are a million other memories, moments, that are on the razors edge of my memory. Driving to GA wondering if I would ever have a second child as Deacon clung to life. Making great friends in a strange place, and them making us feel at home. Watching a cardinal in our backyard while I chopped wood in GA. Seeing your mother develop a certain level of fortitude living away from her parents for the first time. Watching our friends have children, and playing with them as infants (some of which are now taller than me and grown men). Seeing the sunset in distant lands after business trips that I had always dreamt about in college. Struggling with your mother to build a marriage we both needed. Feeling young, feeling old, being content with life, striving for a better life. Asking God what I should make of my life, surrendering, or trying to surrender, to what he would have my life be.

There is a quote I remember from a book I read long ago, about a Roman soldier visiting a graveyard. He came across a gravesite that had and inscription that read “as you are now, I once was, as I am now you someday will be”. When you are young you rejoice in your youth, and rightfully so. When you grow old you think back on it, long for certain aspects of it, and rejoice in some of the things you have now that you would never trade. I would never trade the three of you, when you came into our lives and how you shaped them, what you taught me, and how you helped me understand what true love was. No regrets is a bad and often misspelled tattoo, of course I have regrets, plenty, but the three of you- you are the meaning to my life, the exclamation points, the highlights, the purpose that drives it all. I am my own man, and deep down these pages are so that you can know the man that is your father, you shape me, give me meaning, give me a reason to be. 40 years have gone by, for 13 of them I was a father, for the rest of them until I am gone I will be a father, yours, yours only. I love you, and of all the things I am, I am proud to be yours.

 

Cora, since the last time I wrote you turned 13! Officially a teenager. Mom took you to Paris and you had a wonderful time together. I guess I should note what you did: explored Versailles, fashion tour, the Louvre, cooking classes, macaroon making class, Eifel tower, buying a Pauline bag with mom, generally having a much finer 13^th than I ever did! What to say to a 13 year old who is embarrassed by most things I do around her….. well- by the time you read this you will have grown out of that, perhaps you will even have your own children by the time you are reading this. Just last night before I took off on a work trip, I was telling you goodnight as I might leave before you were awake in the morning. You came and sat next to me on the couch and I took you in my arms and hugged you, and started trying to chew on your arms and wrists saying “where is my chubby baby girl” we laughed as it has been forever since you were my tiny chubbly baby. Today in the airport I was reflecting on the moment, happy, so happy to have had it. Knowing for a short time you are still mine, still a piece of you that wants to be held and loved by her father. You are my responsible girl, most like me of all three of you, including the bad parts of me I try and help you notice…. Your brother and sister love you and when you are kind to them they glow, they light up, and I see a complete happiness in them that is rare. You love Taylor Swift, your new rabbit Smokey (who is just so sweet) you went on a date with a boy kind of and then I made you be nice and not ghost him when you were not interested (Biltmore date, with Rory Pinkerton as 3^rd wheel for safety). You are growing into a wonderful woman, and I struggle to realize that by the time I turn 50 you will in all likelihood be married and perhaps even have a child (you say you want 8). I love you so much, my first, and only, chubby baby. One other note, the other night you were kind of mad at me- I forget about what, but I was saying goodnight to you and I was remembering how when you were younger you would always want me to nap with you in your bed. I was thinking that those days are so long gone, but part of my heart ached that they were, that I didn’t remember when the last time was you asked. I know you still need me, but I think it hurts all dads when we look back at those moments that have to pass, knowing we didn’t cherish them enough before they did.

 

Quinn, I have rarely seen sweetness so personified, you feel…. Deeply, in all things. That can be a blessing and a burden, but for our family it has been a blessing. The degree to which you love, and rejoice is so pure and radiant. You are so quick to come to the defense of one of us or anyone you feel is being picked on. You have a quick wit and an ability to make us all crack up with your one liners. We finally signed you up for horseback lessons and you have been loving them, I do not think we will ever be a horse family, but for now we are indulging the desires of your sweet heart. I took you on a father daughter night recently, we shared some ice cream filled doughnuts, explored around Desert Ridge, and played a bunch of racing games and Dave and Busters. You told me multiple times that I was the best Daddy ever, and it made me feel wonderful inside. I have been too hard on your sweet heart sometimes, mostly involving math homework (much to my shame as I am terrible at math), those things always make me cringe and filled with remorse and regret. I guess I want you to read this someday and know that I am well aware of the times I failed you,  when I let the stress of the day and my aggravation override my responsibility to be at my best for you. I am really sorry, and I love and cherish you dearly.

For Marsha

 

You were just barely 4 years old, small, white, fluff covered with light brown spots. We called you a wild rabbit because you resisted capture anytime we came to collect you from your outside running area. You were known officially as Marshmallow however, you were commonly called Marsha, Fluffbutt, fatty, and Mallow Mallow. We loved petting your soft fur far more than you seemed to enjoy it, though you did love nose and head pets in the morning. You often got treats of strawberry tops, apple, spinach, broccoli, and your favorite, bananas.

                You were the first time I saw my children really grieve. They all loved you, and I loved you. A small, innocent, often scared creature that was ours to love and care for. We loved you in spite of your less than stellar personality, because you were part of our family. We found you on a Saturday morning, and buried you in between two fichus trees in our backyard in a spot you would have liked. We put carrots and rose leaves which you were also very fond of in your box with you. All the children took care to make your resting place beautiful. Deacon made a cross with your name on it. Quinn and Cora painted some rocks and placed some leaves on your grave. Cora who loved you the most cried all day, you were as she often said “her child”.

                Thank you for being part of our family, the time is always too short, regardless if it is 4 years or 40. It is a testament to the spirit God placed inside of us that we have such capacity to love all creatures, even tiny ferocious, occasionally sweet ones. Thank you for teaching my children about their responsibility to care for and love living things, for teaching them that death is an unfortunate and inevitable part of life, and that we cannot take our tomorrows for granted. My favorite was when I would let you run in the front yard until your heart was content. You would do your sprint runs, happy wild hops, chew on leaves, and then run in circles around me until you came close wanting some love. You made me think of the rabbit I had growing up, named Buster. We loved you, we will miss you, and remember you.

UK Summer Trip 2023

 

Summer vacation 2023 was the trip we meant to take back in 2021 before the worlds fear of covid shut it down, what a waste all that fear ended up being, thankfully we did not let it rob of our precious time. The UK finally opened its borders, and so we embarked upon a two-week trip of exploration.

We began in the massive city of London, checking into an AirBNB that was neither clean nor quite how it was pictured online…. A few hours of frustration later they had it mostly cleaned up, though one of the showers was less than useful and made a God-awful noise when the water was turned on it ended up being an ok base for our exploration. We stayed in Camden Town, which seemed to be about 15min from all the major stops we were making on the tube and bus lines. Navigating those with you guys was kind of fun, and very foreign to our western US culture of almost never utilizing mass transit. Quinn, you seemed to try and assert your independence whenever the crowds were the most crushing by pulling your hand away, which we immediately grabbed back and held on to all the tighter!

The main sights we explored were Westminster Abby, The Tower of London, Tower Bridge, Parliament, Westminster and a few other odds and ends. The weather was perfect for us, your health however, was not quite. Deacon you were hacking up a lung at times, and sprang about 3 nosebleeds a day for the first few days. Cora your lungs got progressively worse as well. We had two really good days seeing the sights in London but then you guys started really struggling, more on that later. Deacon as always you loved the arms and armaments, Cora you seemed to enjoy the architecture, food, and along with your sister the crown jewels in the Tower. The old moat area around the tower was really beautiful as they had it planted with all these wonderful wildflowers, we got some great pictures out there in the sunshine. We also all went up to The Shard- 88 floors above the city, and we had a perfectly clear day to take in the view. After we strolled along the river and while mom and I had coffee Deacon and Quinn chased each other around a small park and played some games they made up. When we went up to the Tower Bridge there is a glass walkway- I guess its probably about 20 stories or so up above the water, so when you walk out on the glass you are just seemingly walking on air. Deacon you were the first to venture out, so I guess you take the prize for being the bravest, followed very shortly by your sisters. When we went down to the bottom they pulled up the bridge while a navy ship passed underneath, it was a really cool moment as the crew was on deck and waiving goodbye. Quinn and Deacon you couldn’t see so I put one of you in each of my arms and held you up so you could get a better view.

Our first foray from the city was an all-day bus tour of Warwick Castle, the Cotswolds including Stratford upon Avon, as well as Oxford. This was also the first day that you guys felt really lousy, Cora and Deacon anyway. You two slept on the bus between stops, and when we did stop you basically sat in one spot while Mom, Quinn and I explored a little bit. Deacon you briefly lit up at Warwick when we got you a cool helmet and bow and arrow, but you were just feeling really lousy, we also got you guys some ice cream there but it didn’t do much to revive you. The stop in Oxford was fun, I had been there for work but coming back to experience it with you was great. We strolled around for a bit with the tour guide, Quinn you kept at the head of the pack the whole time, even without us, always being brave and bold like you are. After the walking tour I stayed put with you three as you were all tuckered out and Mom went off to explore some more. The only downside to seeing so much in a day is you only kind of scratch the surface of each place you visit.

We tried sleeping in the next day as Cora and Deacon were still not feeling well, and then took our first rail trip to Bath. I got us on the wrong train the first time, but luckily we ended up going in the right direction and quickly switched to the correct one a few stops down the line! I had paid extra for the first-class tickets, which I think was worth it, you guys all got a kick out of the seat size, food options, and Cora you mostly sat by yourself near as we could find seats, being the oldest and most capable, hope you didn’t feel left out but such is life traveling as a family of five. Bath itself was a beautiful city, used as a spa retreat since the Romans came to England’s shores, from there the city kept growing. Unfortunately you guys were struggling pretty hard again, so we really just strolled around a little, took in one of the more scenic spots where the river runs through the city, and then headed home to London. In a fun turn of events Quinn threw up that night, and I ended up sleeping on this little fold out couch with a nice hard metal bar running down the center so she could sleep with Mom.

Our boat tour of the Dover cliffs was canceled due to high winds, so we decided to take a recovery day in London. Deacon you slept for about 13 hours. We just lazed around and tried to give your bodies some rest so we could get the trip back on track, so it ended up working out, though someday I hope we get to see Dover together.

The next day Cora and Deacon were feeling much better, Quinn still not so great, but we left London and headed via train to York. The rail journey was beautiful, traveling through the countryside. Cora I think you snuck about 3 sodas, Deacon you sampled some of the food the English are known for, such treats as Cheese and Pickle sandwiches and Coronation Chicken…. Interesting to say the least. Quinn you did ok but mostly napped. I got the idea to find Quinn a wheelchair in York so she wouldn’t get exhausted and prolong her illness (which mom and I were also starting to feel). Quinn when I showed up at the hotel with the wheelchair you kind of felt like Royalty, and Cora of course gave you grief for being spoiled. The wheelchair turned out to be a hit cause we did quite a bit of walking and it got us to the front of a very long line for the Viking museum. I didn’t request special treatment but they came and found us in line and we didn’t pass up the offer! That night in York we did a ghost tour which you guys all really enjoyed- just true old stories from such an old city. We had fun exploring “the shambles” an old area of the city with fascinating architecture and history.

From York we headed north once again to Edinburg Scotland. We arrived on a beautiful sunny day and were delighted to find a much better rental waiting for us at the end of the Royal Mile. You guys wanted to relax and Deacon you found Jaws on the tv so Mom and I took a quick walk to the top of a nearby hill and got a beautiful view over the city, complete with someone playing the bagpipes below us. The next morning I had a wheelchair delivered and off we went to explore. We did another walking tour but the highlights for you guys were the fantastic National Museum of Scotland and the Royal Castle. Quinn’s wheelchair got her a ride to the top of the castle through the same tunnel that the Queen used to use, we also were pointed out to some wheelchair accessible bathrooms that we had to ourselves. The view was incredible, a bit chilly as Scotland is, but we got some fun photos of you all by the cannons overlooking the city. One super fun story is that Quinn still wasn’t feeling 100% so at a pub we stopped by for lunch she started feeling ill, and needed to throw up, and the only thing we had handy was a water bottle that I held while she puked a few times, thankfully quietly…. Ah the joys of illness while traveling. Luckily that was about the end of the sicknesses impact on the family.

Then came a day I was almost equal parts excited and nervous about- the day I would drive in the UK for the first time, and the day we would handle birds of prey! We rented a smaller SUV- I think the exact same volvo we rented in Spain, and headed about an hours drive north to a small town where we found the falconry school. It was set in a beautiful location near a stream with farm fields and small wooded areas spread throughout. We started by handling 3 little White Faced Scops Owls, they fritted about and would sometimes land 3 at a time on our arms. They had beautiful orange eyes and you all had so much fun handling and observing them as we took a pleasant little walk through wildflowers and woods. Next up we moved to something native to home, the Harris Hawk. Our bird was 23 years old, but smart and agile, swooping down from nearby treetops to land gracefully on our arms for her reward. Our guide told us unlike dogs or some other domesticated animals the handler serves the birds, not the other way around, the birds have high expectations of their handlers, and trust can easily be broken. We then took a quick break for sodas for you guys and coffee for mom and I at a nearby café, then returned for the final two birds we would handle. Next up was a Red-Tailed Kite. We didn’t so much handle as watch an aerobatic display she put on, zooming close to the ground, darting up high, and making sudden and steep turns effortlessly. Our grand finale was a beautiful south American Black Chested Buzzard Eagle. She soared high on the thermals and then when we raised our glove came swooping down, almost to ground level and then at the last moment would fly up and land, wings outstretched on our gloved hands ever so gently.  It was a highlight watching you all handle the birds, and experience the same joy at the beauty of their flight and feathered artwork of bodies.

Our next journey was to the Isle of Sky, about a 4 hour drive north. By this time I was nearly an old hand and driving on the wrong side of the road, thankfully I only had to drive in the big city of Edinburg once! Our rental on the Isle of Sky was spectacular. We had a wonderful view of the sea, and it was a great layout for our family. The night we arrived we were tired from the long but beautiful drive there, including a stop at Stirling Castle. We sat down at the most expensive meal we would have on the trip- after sitting outside in the cold wind while mom and I had gin and tonic. The meal wasn’t great but watching deacon eat the Langoustines- kind of like small lobsters was a lot of fun, for a kid who is picky about food he took joy in using the plyers and getting every bit of meat he could from them!

Driving around Sky was wonderful, often little one way roads that had many pull offs where you could let traffic pass. All around there was spectacular scenery and areas open for exploration. We did a hike to the Fairy Pools, following a stream that originated in the dramatic mountains above, sloping down emerald curves to feed its crystal clear waters. You guys all complained at first, as is common, but once we hit the trail and began to explore you perked up and began to have fun and enjoy it. Also- snacks always helped, knowing I had a backpack full of goodies to be distributed at various rest stops always aided your legs in carrying onward. I enjoyed all the hikes, sitting and taking in the beautiful vistas, often Deacon and Quinn would play some made up game, Cora you more often also sat and enjoyed the views, pondering things you mostly kept to yourself. We continued to explore and one morning also took a boat ride to Lake Coruisk. Along the way we saw many seals, and after departing the boat had another spectacular place almost to ourselves. The day had started off cold but quickly warmed up, you three and mom “lizarding” as Cora phrased it, on some dark volcanic rocks, while I took the other approach and removed all my clothing for a swim, or at least tried to. I ended up getting about halfway in before I realized the deeper it got the colder it got and perhaps it wasn’t the best idea. Cora you came down and asked me what I was doing, when you found out I was naked (cause I told you, you couldn’t see anything due to me being halfway underwater) you quickly said “gross” and headed back for your rocks!

After three nights in Sky we reluctantly left and headed north to the village of Ballater in Cairngorms National Park. The first day we explored the Royal families summer home, which was of course quite lovely. I enjoyed the woods around it quite a bit, with a picturesque river flowing nearby. We also did a really nice hike that had a bunch of great overlooks through the woods, different than Sky but equally beautiful to me. You guys once again loved the snacks, we found some Nutella “biscuts” as the Brits would say that were a particular highlight. Speaking of sweets we also found our favorite ice cream place during the entire trip in our village in Ballater. Quinn your highlight of the trip was a horseback ride we did on our last day. The four of you rode Norwegian Fjord horses, while I got the worlds tallest horse, thankfully for me he was quite well behaved and responsive, as I was determined not to let him sense my unease that I always get on horseback. We had a great ride through some countryside, and one stream crossing where mom and Quinns horses decided to cool themselves by splashing water with their front legs directly up and behind them! Mom got particularly soaked.

The drive back to Edinburg for our flight home was uneventful, the last night in Scotland was tons of fun as the five of us shared a too small hotel room that I booked. Deacon you and I managed to sleep in a twin size bed, somehow Cora finagled a twin all to herself while Mom and Quinn managed on a full-size sofa bed.

I had so much fun exploring with you all. I love our family trips, there is difficulty, sharing tight spaces and some bickering, but there are also many sweet moments and memories that I will cherish when someday you are all much older and starting families of your own. 

Cora, this year so far has been a lot of volleyball and you getting a lot older all of a sudden! You love Taylor Swift, calling yourself a Swiftie. I embrace that but exhort you to also find some other artists to spread the love some. You are very careful with your money, well over $1,000 saved, you say its for a phone, but we are not sure when you are getting one of those just yet. You get funnier and funnier- in a very clever sort of way, and you are very clever with some of the stuff you come up with and comments you make. It always cracks me up and I see a lot of myself and personality in you. I also enjoy slowing down and having more in depth discussions with you, often about conflicts you are having with us or your siblings. When we slow down we are able to connect logically as well as emotionally, and we are both better able to hear one another. Sometimes I think you feel left out, or that we are harder on you, or favor Quinn, but when I get to spend time talking with you I think I do a good job of healing those hurts and explaining that we love you all equally and in some ways uniquely as you are all uniquely created by God with special gifts, talents, and personalities that flow from it. You make me proud all the time with your responsibility and good choices, and your ability to have fun and make wonderful friends. Watching you grow is fills me with pride, but there are pangs of sadness as well as the little girl I knew fades further and further away. Sometimes Facebook shows me old photos or a memory of you singing frozen songs in dress up dresses pops into my head and I hurt a little cause it seems so long ago. The joy of who you are becoming doesn’t mean I am fully ready to let go of who you were, and I wonder sometimes which memories will endure, for me, and for you.

 

Quinn, Perhaps it is the same in all families that the youngest of the group is usually the light and laughter. You have a bright personality, capable of great joy and great grief in quite momentous swings. I worry sometimes already about the teenage years as you will be different from your sister. Cora seems to bend more on the logic side of response, where as you seem to bend very strongly towards the emotional. Neither is better or worse, just different and each needs to be understood for its shortcomings so one cand find the healthy balance in life. I love how completely you love, how generous you are with you affection, how you defend us all and so often compliment and praise. We all refer to you as the family cheerleader. You give me the biggest and best hugs, and usually when you are very upset I can still cheer you up with a song. Sometimes you will be angry or sad about something and pouting in your bed, ill come to lay next to you and you’ll ignore me or say go away, but when I start to sing you’ll relax and slowly roll over and throw your arms around my neck and give me a big hug. I think your heart needs to know a bit more often than some, how loved you are, and I always have to work on being patient and gentle with you. A few times I have not been, but when I ask you for forgiveness you always are so quick to give it, though I still feel regret and shame with how upset I get at times. My nature is to be hard on myself, I am getting much better about not having that same approach with each of you. I loved our time in Scotland together, exploring with you and seeing the bold independent bravery you tackle the world with.

Alaska Adventure

 

In 2022 our big family vacation was to what is often called “the last frontier”, Alaska. I had been wanting to go for a few years, and we were going to do a cruise but still didn’t trust the COVID Tsars to not destroy our vacation if there was some shipboard outbreak or new crazy rule to keep us “safe”. Therefore we decided to do it on our own, with a fair amount of assistance from Moms Aunt who lives in Anchorage.

The first week we explored around Anchorage some and then headed north to Talkeetna. Talkeetna sits along the river and to the south of Denali, both the mountain and National Park. On our journey there we did some hiking at old mines, and watched Mom’s cousin Cole paraglide in a beautiful mountain pass. We had been planning on doing an aerial tour of the mountain, including landing on a glacier however, the weather did not cooperate. We booked a boat tour to go up the river though and so that made for a nice alternative adventure.

When we got back to Anchorage we headed out via the Alaska railroad to Seward. It was a four hour train ride through simply spectacular country. We roamed around the train cars to some with large viewing windows where we could see the mountains, glaciers, rivers, and wildlife as we passed by. I got you guys some special drinks, some kind of 7up with blue raspberry syrup concoction. When we arrived in Seward it was freezing cold, and we were starving so after dropping the bags off we headed for lunch and to explore the town. It was really beautiful there- like everyplace else in Alaska it seems. We spent the remainder of that day exploring the Sea Life center, having coffee and ice cream in local shops, and then a fancy dinner that night which was a fun treat since we don’t eat out that often. For dessert we got about 4 different kinds which you guys were quite happy about. Ill tell you- sharing one hotel room with 2 beds and 1 cot is not necessarily comfortable, but I will always fondly remember us being all cozy together when you guys were young.

The next day our big adventure from Seward was a 7-hour fjord/ whale watching tour. I got some great pictures of Quinn and Deacon on the bow of the ship, binoculars up, searching for whales. I was really worried you would all get seasick on such a long trip but you all did awesome. We saw humpbacks, Orcas- which were spectacular, puffins, sea otters, sea lions, and a host of other wildlife I cant quite recall right now. Pulling up to the bays that the glaciers had carved between the mountains and seeing the beautiful blue of the ice was awe inspiring. The crew snagged some glacier ice, about 200 years old and made some drinks for you guys which you really loved.

After returning for Seward we borrowed Uncle Dennis’s truck and made our way to Homer. Homer sits on the ocean as well, and you can see distant snow covered mountain peaks and volcanoes all across the water from it. We rented a little house outside of town which had a hot tub and was a perfect base for exploring. We had two big adventures planned for Homer, fishing and a bear adventure!

This was the big adventure we had really been looking forward to, and that I splurged a small fortune on- cause who knows what the future holds so make the memories now. We woke up early and headed down to a small lake where our Viking Beaver float plane was parked. We were all a bit nervous, but very excited! Deacon and Quinn you sat in the back with me, Mom and Cora sat in the middle with another man who had also booked the trip. We flew for a little over an hour past some wild rugged terrain, volcanoes, and the ocean to Katmai National Park. As we came in for a water landing and slowed down I was looking out the window and suddenly started spotting Brown Bears everywhere along the banks eating salmon.

We took a short walk up to the ranger station where we dropped our bags in a bear secure room and had a brief 10min tutorial on how to behave in the park and what to do around the bears. Fittingly as we were being briefed a bear walked right through camp. From there it was about a mile walk to Brooks Falls, it was more than a bit uncomfortable being on the trail, occasionally we would pass people, but not that many, but we passed a lot of bears, including a momma and her cubs which we stayed well clear of. Once we got to Brooks Falls we checked in with a Ranger then waited for our turn to go out on the viewing platform where we got 30min of time to observe. After you go put your name back on the list as sometimes there is a wait, that day we were able to go out 4 times. Standing on the deck you simply marvel at the bears, everywhere, fishing in different locations with different strategies. One fat older bear named Otis didn’t move, he had his spot and every 10min or so he would pluck a salmon out of the river and devour it. Smaller cubs would follow their mothers, some sat at the top of the falls and waited until the salmon jumped out of the water trying to make it upstream, some swam against the current downstream and dove under to catch fish.

It was so special to be able to sit there and watch nature unfolding before us. Being so close to these immensely powerful animals who really didn’t care at all that we were there as their main occupation was with the swimming food source and storing up calories for winter. The park itself was also beautiful. Alaska is so special because its one of the few places harsh enough to not be very populated, you get a sense of nature before there were so many humans around, and at least for me, it makes me long for more solitude.

Now, we were not out of the woods yet, so to speak. On our way back to the plane just the 5 of us were walking down the trail when along came a large bear walking directly up the trail. I started clapping and saying “hey bear” which is an odd expression everyone seems to use, as we all slowly backed up, thinking he would eventually leave the trail and head off into the woods. He did not. Thankfully we backed into another 4 adults, and all of us stepped off the trail to allow the bear to pass. He did not. Instead he decided to also move off the trail and towards us, at which point we all got very nervous and quickly moved around him to his right and though not running, moved at a brisk pace down the trail. Since we flew there I could not bring bear spray as its in a pressurized container, and no guns are allowed in the park, most likely cause some trigger happy tourists would shoot a bear that wasn’t going to actually harm them. Being unarmed, with you guys to look after was not a lot of fun though. After that all three of you were ready to be done, Deacon you specifically told me “I don’t want to do this anymore”. We had one more brief encounter on our way out, which was not great as your nerves were already fried, and then got to watch two bears playfully wrestling about 30 yards down the beach from our plane. We had a shorter flight on the way home as we had a tailwind, we all wolfed down our sandwiches and snacks after the long day. That night, sitting in our hot tub recalling the events of the day I pretended like there was bear coming up behind us and said “hey bear”- it was great watching the looks on your faces!

The next day we parted ways, Girls on a beach/ shopping day in Homer and the boys took to the open sea on a fishing trip. Deacon you got to do at 8 years old what I had to wait until 38 years old to do- some deep sea fishing! We were on a smaller boat with another man and his wife and we started the day going after King Salmon. We each caught our limit of 1, but the highlight maybe of my whole trip was watching you bring the King in all by yourself. I got a great picture of your face after and a video of it as well, I was so proud of you and grateful we got to have the experience together. The weather started turning on us some as the clouds rolled in and a light rain started but we persevered to something I really was after- Halibut. The captain took care of baiting and setting the lines and we sat stationary with our bait at the bottom waiting for these strange flat powerful fish to strike. Our limit was 2 each, I got my two and you landed one of yours. They fought like crazy, they are pure muscle it seems, which maybe is why they are so tasty. At one point due to the cold and fact we didn’t quite have the right gear you wanted to give up, but I told you- “there is no way out of this, it doesn’t end until we catch our fish, so you have to decide in your mind there is no escape”, that seemed to work and you were ok for the rest of the trip, surprisingly you didn’t get seasick at all. We took the fish to a packer where they filet, vacuum seal and flash freeze everything so we could pack it in a cooler for the flight home.

Our last full day was spent with our neighbors father learning how to do some river fishing on the Kenai peninsula during the annual salmon run. We had a blast walking through the woods on a path known only to locals, then wading knee deep into the river and catching fish. They were real fighters and we forgot our net, which means the two I caught and actually landed had to be clubbed with rocks before they escaped. Deacon you got close to landing some, but they were really tough to haul in. That night we all just enjoyed some family time, telling a lot of stories about the week and remarking on all that we had seen and done.

With big trips there are always little moments that stand out as well. Simple things like our quest to get ice cream every day, often at the roadside stands that are frequent in Alaska where mom and I would get coffee. Deacon, I love watching you and Quinn play little games and explore together. Cora you truly admire the beauty of things you were seeing and being the adventurer you are at heart. I’ll remember eating strawberries from Aunt Sheela’s garden, taking you guys to the park and watching the 3 of you play and make believe- which I know in my heart those days will be brief as you grow older. It was such a wonderful trip, with many experiences most people will never get to have. I was so grateful that God has blessed us with the time, resources, and health to be able to do such things. I never take for granted, not a single moment, that our lives are a blessing, regardless of if we are halfway across the world or at a park 5min from our home, what I love most is being with you, away from distraction, and hopefully out in Gods good creation enjoying the beauty of it all.

Past Lives

 

Just a bit of a random entry, about life stuff that makes me reflect. Last week we got together with a few people that I went to church with from about 5^th grade through college. We went to a small Baptist church called Hillside with Grandpa Ken and Grandma Patty. There were only ever about 15 or so kids near my age range, but about 8 of us were closer and spent all those years together. They were not my closest group of friends since I didn’t attend school with any of them, and yet we had a lot of meaningful moments together, as well as the fact that I dated a few of the girls.

The strange thing was, well I guess its not all that strange to grow apart after living very different lives the past 15 years, but the strange thing was I had this feeling I was looking at them from a distance. Maybe a better way to put it is walking down a street, and you see someone familiar approach, but you are with friends and they are as well, so you don’t stop to speak, you just make eye contact as you pass, silent recognitions in each of you that there was once familiarity, intimacy, a closeness, but that has passed, and would be difficult to rebuild.

We took you guys to the park with us to meet them, and two of the girls, now women, that I was closer to were there. We mostly made small talk, each of us being parents, nearing 40, the life we knew with one another seemed so very ethereal. I remember Jenna used to be hilarious, she and I would joke constantly, she could light up any room. When my grandfather died she came to the funeral to be there with me. I hung out with her friends and her on the weekends sometimes, we watched countless movies together, we kissed once, but immediately realized we were only every supposed to be friends- it was a pretty funny and instant mutual understanding. Kandy was there as well. She was my first girlfriend, yea at a small church you kind of end up dating everyone at some point. We went to Alt rock concerts together, she always wanted to be a surfer girl, and loved ska music. She was really wholesome, and I always loved that. I remembered sitting on a beach with her while we were youth group leaders at a place called Camp Surf in San Diego. I had just started dating your mother, I don’t think she was dating the man that would eventually become her husband yet. I just remember talking in the moonlight, most likely about life and dreams, I don’t remember the content, just that we were there once together in a place she loved and wanted to remain.

You might live one life, but it seems you often live many, and sometimes the people who are very important to you are only so for a season, a fellow traveler for part of the trail, but they have a different destination that eventually diverges from yours. I feel so melancholy about it at times, but that might just be my yearning for youth. I often feel the same way when I see videos of you three when you were younger. It’s the knowledge that I existed with you in that place, and the gladness for the joy we shared, but the pain that you have matured, and are no longer fully who you were then. Your little voices, innocence, outright wonder, unabashed love. The bible says at the end of our lives we will pass through the fire, that we will not be burned, but that we will smell like smoke. The fire is to remove the worldly things, things that must remain behind. When I pass through you will remain, God has made you a part of me, the love I hold for you, the joy you wove though my life, it is eternal.

Girls, I tell you some of the most meaningful relationships I had growing up were with women. I didn’t date all of them, some I wanted to, others were always just friends. I didn’t get to grow up with sisters so perhaps that is why they had even more of an impact on me. As women it will be tough for you sometimes, I am sure, some guys you hang out with will most likely always harbor a quiet desire to be more than your friend, maybe if they are lucky it will be reciprocated. Others will just be like brothers, ones that look out for you, that know a part of you they feel called to protect because you are special to them. It is a beautiful unique thing to be non-romantic friends with people of the opposite sex. I pray for your friends almost every week, because they are such an important part of life. Love you girls.

Rwanda

 

Summer 2022. Your mother and I had been wanting to return to Africa for quite a few years now. The last time we went was 9 years ago, we spent two weeks in Mozambique serving at an orphanage in Maputo, and then one week on safari in South Africa. This time our destination was the beautiful country of Rwanda, it exceeded all of our expectations.

I continually said during the trip, “I feel like we are in the garden of Eden”. Everything was green, well cultivated, peaceful, and somehow a bit otherworldly. We began our trip in Akagera, a national park that hosts most of the wildlife Africa is so famous for. We spent 3 nights in a tented lodge on the banks of a lake, each night after dinner on the deck overlooking the water we could hear the hippos coming up to graze on the grasses, in the morning we would have our coffee on the same deck and then go and explore the park. There were rivers, rolling hills and expanses of grassland. We saw many zebra, buffalo, elephant and numerous other birds and mammals. The lions and leapords eluded us this trip, but I do hope to return someday to try our luck again. One highlight was having lunch in the middle of a vast savannah with some rhino in the distance, and enjoying some gin with our guide Jean-Marie. 

From Akagera we headed to Volcanoes national park, the destination for many international visitors due to the prize it holds, mountain gorillas. Before our gorilla trek though I signed us up for what I thought would be an easy, touristy type hike up an extinct volcano called Mount Bisoke with a summit that is 3,711 meters above sea level. The hike began well enough, through some flat farmlands in the morning fog and light rain and then up some gently sloping almost rainforest like slopes. The trees and scenery were magnificent, the mud we had to walk through was not. When I thought we were halfway our guide began to laugh saying we had only done the easy part, for some reason I thought he was messing with us, unfortunately for me he was not! It became a 4 hour ascent up increasingly steep and muddy slopes, thankfully we had hired porters to help with our bags, and with literally holding our hands on the steepest and muddiest portions. Without their aid it might have been a 5 hour ascent, and perhaps I would have done some of it on all fours. There is nothing quite like thinking you wont be able to accomplish something, wrestling with it in your mind, trying not to let yourself give way to turning back to safety and comfort, persevering, and receiving the prize. Well, we persevered and were rewarded with a spectacular view of the country below, and the lake that sits at the center of the volcanic crater. The feeling of joy and accomplishment, mixed with a healthy dose of relief as we rested on the summit will not be one I forget soon.

The day after our hike was the long anticipated one, the day we would get to spend an hour with a mountain gorilla family. In the morning all the tourists that will be trekking for the day gather at the visitor center and are broken into groups and assigned a guide and a family to visit. Our family was called Kwitonda, it had 20 members including two silverbacks that were brothers. We hiked for about an hour through a pathless forest, our two guides in front hacking with machetes through the bamboo and vines, while communicating with the trackers who locate the family every morning. Slowly we emerged into a clearing and we began to see black shapes in the distance, then suddenly we seemed to be amongst the family.

It is hard to describe the feeling of awe we all were held captive with for that hour. These gentile animals that seemed almost mystical due to their rarity in this world, and to surviving coming to the brink of extinction. I stood near the Silverback as he slowly observed his visitors, casting his eyes occasionally on us in between small interruptions of feeding. Around us his wives and children groomed one another, played, swung on branches above our heads which felt like they were showing off, and the youngsters cuddled with their mothers. They were so quiet, and content, they felt like Rwanda in a lot of ways. Seemingly at peace, surrounded by a beautiful eden, contemplative, a family that had survived past tragedy. At the end of our hour we sat while the troop marched up the mountain to bed down, at times they were only an arms length away from us. The dominant Silverback was the last up the hill, we thought we had moved out of his way but I guess he had another path in mind. He ended up passing directly where we were standing as we quietly and respectfully moved out of his path. Watching him go by was awe inspiring, such strength and beauty, it was all just splendidly magnificent.

Our last stop for Rwanda was Nyungwe Forest National Park. On the way there we had lunch on the banks of Lake Kivu, it was like a tropical paradise. Mom and I swam in the water which to us was a perfect temperature. Nyungwe is home to a lot of primates, some people do Chimpanze trecks but we opted for two adventures, hiking to a waterfall and a sky canopy walk on suspension bridges above the trees. The hike was wonderful, we had the trail to ourselves- and 5 different species of monkeys and numerous bird species. The forest was absolutely beautiful, and following the river up to a massive waterfall was an amazing experience. The canopy walk was just an interesting perspective on how large the park is, I am not a fan of heights but felt totally secure.

That mostly sums up Rwanda. As I was writing this I just started thinking about our last day, mom and I kind of took it easy until our evening flight. It was fun just seeing more of Kigali with her and reflecting back on our week. I guess I also omitted that we began our journey with a visit to the genocide museum. It was very well put together, telling personal stories of an event that claimed the lives of between 800,000 to 1M people. One of the most striking things was that often time it was neighbors killing people they had been friends with. People in close knit communities were turned against one another over the course of a few years. The Hutus told their people that the Tutsi owed them something, that they looked down on them, and were responsible for all the negative things that had happened to the Hutus. The Hutu leaders created hearts of envy, resentment, bitterness and eventually enough hatred that they could kill children they used to care for in many cases. It was a sad reminder of what evil the human heart can be capable of if we drink those poisons that blind us to the humanity of others. The end of the museum is focused on the beautiful healing that has taken place since that time. People coming together to forgive, not even identifying any longer as Hutu or Tutsi, rebuilding what is now one of the most prosperous and peaceful countries in all of Africa. I hope someday to go back with the three of you. Next I will write about our family adventure to Alaska!

2022 Catch Up

 

Ok so once again I have been terribly delinquent in writing…. No excuses, just poor planning and execution/ time management on my side. Good news is that a lot has happened! Ill give a broad rundown and then from now on get a bit more specific in each of your personal notes near the end.

First big thing is we invested in ski gear…. And then proceeded to get injured/ sick! This past year we went skiing with the Login’s to Purgatory- just north of Durango CO. First day started off well enough- ski school was open this year so that’s where you all went for half a day. Well on our second run Mrs. Gabby had a bad fall and tore her ACL and I believe MCL- good news is she is on a good road to recovery. That happened about the same time that Cora was getting very sick, so by halfway through day one we had two back at the house recovering. Then I took Deacon for our last run of the day…. After a fall he caught by binding with his ski while I was getting him back up and wretched my leg around so hard I felt like I tore something. I managed to make it down, but I skipped out on skiing the second day. I made it back to the slopes with Cora by day 3 and we got some good runs in- but all in all it was a rough trip from that perspective. We did however have a great time as families together

Next on the list I guess that was eventful was spring break. We did a camping trip to a place in AZ I had actually never been to- near Aztec Peak. It was beautiful, a creek running right by our campsite, a great overlook from the mountain top over eastern AZ, you guys all exploring and being brave. We took some time at the summit of Aztec peak to stop and pray, thanking God for the works of his hands, the beauty he has fashioned for us, the time we had together as a family and so many other blessings. That night we made hobo pie which consists of hamburger, onion and potatoes wrapped in tinfoil and thrown into the coals of the fire. You guys wolfed it down, and then Quinn proceeded to ask every 5min when we could make smores! We had to gather a lot of firewood as it was in the 40’s at night- cold for us Phoenicians. It was fun climbing into the tent and getting all snuggled in. Dixie waited patiently at the door as we got settled and then darted in and greeted each one of us. Quinn, she picked you to sleep on for most of the night.

The next day we checked out a waterfall and then headed to explore the creek some more before departing. You guys were doing great crossing the creek and climbing on things, being brave and appreciating how beautiful the area was. We stopped for a snack in a spot with a really pretty waterfall and Cora found a seat on an old log hanging over the creek. Well that log was not as strong as it looked and as she was bouncing on it there was a crack- down went Cora, and the log, on top of her leg. Quinn you were also sitting on the log, and I turned and grabbed it quickly as you fell off in the direction it was rolling towards. All in all it could have been much worse.

Cora could not walk and was in a lot of pain, so I carried her to the truck and gave her some Advil. Luckily, we were packed up already, so we headed for home. One visit to the Urgent care and two x-rays later we learned she had broken her tibia and fibula. Cora, you did well and were brave through the whole thing- in one more week you get your cast off and will be able to walk again!

Shortly after all of this I began my new role as the Western Sales Director. I had been wanting to get back into sales for a few years now and this was a great opportunity to do so. I was offered another position that was perhaps more glamorous and would have been better for upward mobility in the company, but more and more my goals are to have the lifestyle I want, not to trade too much of my time for a little more money that wont begin to buy back the things I am giving up to get it. We also would have had to move to Atlanta. As much as I like GA too much of our lives is here, and we have such a fantastic community I just don’t see being able to replace it, or that even $2M a year would be worth doing so. This world measures us in very different ways than it should, and I feel drawn to pursue that which it would deem of value, but the longer I live the more I know the true worth of things, first and foremost is my life with Mom and all of you.

Lastly and quite tragically another reminder that you have to enjoy the present moments without too much worry or security about the future. Our sweet Neighbor Lisa has passed away from cancer. She was on the path to recovery but unfortunately it spread aggressively and took her life. She was always a very quiet reserved person, with a very gentile spirit. Cora she would put out tons of arts and crafts stuff for you and Adam to do, and she would always clean it up without complaint, quietly serving and taking joy in you two playing. Deacon she would also put out a garbage truck for you, even if Adam was not out. You loved tearing up bits of paper and loading it, then dumping it from the truck. Quinn she would get chalk and paint for you and help you wash up. Lisa was one of those quiet unassuming people that you wish filled the world more than they do. I was filled with grief at her passing, for Adam, for John, and for all those who loved her. I know later in life you may not remember her- but when you get older and read these pages I hope you can reflect on the kindness and love she showed you all, and that hopefully we will all see her again.

Cora, well lately you have been mostly interested in Olivia Rodrigo as well as the old standby Taylor Swift. Perhaps it is because you also have your first love interest at school. His name is Hunter, we call him bugger Hunter because when you were in kindergarten together, he used to put buggers in your hair! You don’t like discussing it very much with us, but we are doing our best to let you know your feelings are normal and helping ever so slightly to guide you a bit. As expected, you are dealing with your broken leg very well, showing some good toughness and adaptability. At the same time it is good for you to empathize and deal with some hardship and I believe you are learning from that as well. It was fun again on the ski trip and camping trip to see your bravery and self-confidence. It seems the confidence level has shifted so much in the past few years, which is great to see. A super fun part of you being 11 is your tendency to argue, complain, or disagree before really knowing what you are talking about! Much fun to work with! We will get through it though, typically just takes us sitting you down and having a less emotional driven conversation. Love you so much, my very grown, but still plenty of growing to do big girl. 

Quinn, You are such a bright light in our house. You are always quick to compliment and be kind, you always have sweetness radiating from you. When you sit next to me for very long you will start rubbing my beard, face, hand or arm. There are never enough hugs or kisses goodnight, and almost every night you request and get a piggyback ride to bed. Lately your best little friends have been Etta, Lulu, Pippa at school, and one or two boys who you refuse to leave alone. We tell you you’re too young for boyfriends and you defiantly say “I’m not gonna listen” or something like “I just like them so much”. Needless to say I am a bit scared about the future….. but you sure are a joy in our lives and quick to make us all laugh and love you. We still often call you our crested screamer, ask for 2min of no talking, and or refer to you as a little monster, but we monstrously love you dearly.