Deacon Turns 5

Well Deacon you just turned 5, figured I would write you so you could remember a bit about what life was like around this time in your life. First of all, you requested a dinosaur themed party, and we delivered. Mom and I dressed like Jurassic Park Rangers, rented a Dino bounce house, and decorated the house with a lot of Dinosaur themed decorations. Pretty much all your little buddies showed up- Micha Butler, Aneas Quijano, Jude, Weston Tomich, Marco Bazilus, Winston, Hank Zuk, Lucas Bevens, and Wyatt Stevens. You were so excited to hang out with your friends and have a boys only party- up to this point we usually combined parties for you and Cora. You got a lot of gifts as usual, favorites being a raptor mask that scared Quinn- that one came from Grandpa Ken and Grandma Patty. You also liked the Lego sets that were pretty much all dinosaur themed as well.

I don’t really remember anything from when I was 5, and I don’t think there are memories written down about it either. This will be your last year before school starts and so it is kind of bitter sweet. Right now, you love movies with monsters and dinosaurs, you don’t seem to scare too easily, you like fighting and wrestling with your friends, and you will ask 500 questions about whatever it may be on your mind. You are so handsome and sweet, you share with your sisters and play so nicely with them most of the time. You and Cora will get into it from time to time, but I can tell the desire of your heart is to just love on them and have fun. One quick memory, you hurt your hip the other day and you said “my tummy ankle is hurting” that was a good one! You have also figured out riding your bike and are nearly free of training wheels- you most likely already would be if we pushed it a little harder.

Five years goes by so quickly, I look at you now and wonder how much I will remember of it when you are a man someday. I guess I just want to remember my sweet brave boy, who saw the wonder of the world untethered by the realities that come with age. I am so happy that you have gotten to live this life of adventure, full of people who love you and surround your life with blessings. I still think about how God reached out and protected you in your mothers womb, and how terribly I would have missed you if you had not made it. I kiss you goodnight after prayers every night, if Quinn is still awake she kisses her DD (as she calls you) goodnight also. I think of how blessed I am to have you in my life and as my son. I love you forever and always.

Mom and Dad Sail Away

Well, mom and I just returned from our great 2018 adventure. We set sail on Oceana cruise lines from Venice, Italy to Athens, Greece; stopping in Dubrovnik Croatia, Kotor Montenegro, Santorini, Mykonos, and lastly Rhodes Greece. In total we spent 13 days away on our trip- kind of a lot, and towards the end we were missing you three like crazy, but after being home for an hour it kind of felt like we had never left.

I have no idea why, but traveling is one of my favorite things. Ever since I was young I had a sense of wonder about the world, and not always faraway places- even exploring my neighborhood or the mountain preserve was one of my favorite past times. Luckily my career has provided plenty of support for getting out and about, and now financially we are able to do some of these further flung trips as well, though even if our means were less there are still a multitude of options. We did a cruise back in 2015 and really enjoyed it, this one was great as well- I think we may sail the high seas a lot in retirement! We are looking to plan a 2020 Disney cruise and bring you all along, I am thinking Alaska as I have always wanted to see it and getting somewhere cool in the summer sounds great.

Venice was our first stop, chances are it could be underwater by the time you all grow up- so if you ever want to see it you better get there early in life. It’s incredible that people decided to settle there, evidently, they were looking to hide out from barbarian tribes and then decades later they had a flourishing city built on trade. The Venetian empire eventually spread all the way to the places we visited in Greece, and beyond, a powerful economy makes for powerful armies. Venice itself is incredibly charming, with the uniqueness of the canals and narrow streets winding through the mazelike town. One of the highlights for me was St Marks Basilica, for more reasons than the name…. We did a tour that entered at night and we were seated underneath the central dome of the Basilica. The lights were slowly turned on to reveal a gold mosaic covering the ceiling which was also adorned with paintings and sculptures.

Next up before Greece was Croatia and Montenegro. Croatia is quite beautiful and lately has been gaining in popularity due to its scenic coastline and also its prominent role in a popular show called Game of Thrones. Dubrovnik was a walled seaport that sits below an imposing mountain, the water is crystal clear and a light turquoise color which is quite striking. We took a boat ride down the coastline and then strolled through the busy town. These older towns surrounded by walls are not large- due to the immense cost and effort to build the walls around them. The streets are narrow for the most part and paved with cobblestone. To Americans like us the charm is incredible, we are not used to anything older than 100 years in most cases. A reoccurring thought that came to me was how so many of the places we have visited seemed to have had their pinnacle- in many cases hundreds, or thousands of years ago, and nowadays live off the memory of the glory years. People come to see what was, not what is.

Montenegro was a welcome break from the summer heat. Shortly after exiting the boat in the bay of Kotor we boarded a bus for a drive up a nerve fraying switchback filled mountain road. Once we finally reached the top we were rewarded with amazing views of the bay and mountains that rose across the horizon. We stopped at a small restaurant perched at on the mountain for a cold beer and light sandwich- you know come to think of it, it may have been a warm beer. We spend the rest of the day touring the old capital and then the old city which was equally charming as Dubrovnik in my opinion. We took shelter from a sudden downpour in a small shop, the owner of which kept urging us to stay when I would move to leave. At first I thought we would annoy him by just hanging out waiting for the rain to pass, but he was happy to have us. It was a good thing too because we found a really cool copper clock with roman numerals and the astrological signs- similar to one in a square we saw in Venice. Before we left he presented us with a bible printed in both English and Montenegrin, he flipped to John 3:16, I felt very sure it was not blind chance we ended up in his shop during the downpour. One thing I may long remember is pulling out of the bay of Kotor, sitting on our balcony shielded from a downpour watching as the coast drifted away. The air was so cool and fresh, we just reminisced on the beauty of the day and how lovely everything was, just one of those small moments that last.

After a day at sea we rounded out some Greek islands, Santorini, Mykanos and Rhodes. Santorini was barren but beautiful, white washed homes perched on the slopes of plunging mountains that led to a sapphire sea. We walked some of the streets and then rented the worlds crappiest car, a “smart” car. Clever bit of advertising that was- most overpriced underbuilt POC ever put together. We had lunch in Megalochori, and then drove to Vichada Beach. The beach has some beautiful and striking white rock formations behind it, the sand is black and volcanic- as the island itself was once a giant volcano that blew out to form is crescent shape. It was our first time swimming in the Aegean Sea, which was lovely as the black sand seemed to warm up the water to a perfect temperature.

The highlight of Rhodes for me was the old medieval town. It was surrounded by high walls and a moat and had never been taken by force. All the nations of Europe had stationed Knights there and because the city was never sacked it still remained as it did hundreds of years ago. Walking along the narrow streets you just had to wonder about all of those who had come before, what their lives and concerns were, who they had loved and what they had spent their life pursuing. I found a bronze hand knocker much to my delight, I had seen them on many doors around Greece. We were well off the beaten path when we found the shop on a deserted street. The old woman inside was so kind and showed us pictures of the craftsman who made it and his initials in the hand. The knocker currently sits at my desk at home, but hopefully soon I will find somewhere to hang it.

Mykanos was the last stop, an island currently known for the charm of Mykanos town, as well as the party atmosphere at its beaches where many people much younger than I celebrate into the early hours of the morning- never really was my scene. We spent most of the day on the island of Delos. The island was once home to a thriving city that is now all ruins, barely any of it has been excavated, but what has is truly impressive. Once again I found myself marveling at all the things these people had accomplished so long ago, they had mosaics decorating their multi story homes, theaters and trading, there was advertising for a number of commercial concerns, artistry and industry- they lived thousands of years ago but in so many ways were just like us. The bible says there is nothing new under the sun, my travels and experiences have proved it true. Arriving back in Mykanos we strolled through the streets to the bus stop and boarded one for Platis Gialos where we rented some beach chairs and swam again in the Aegean sea. This beach was somewhat less beautiful to me as the surroundings were not wild but commercial, but it was sandy with lovely water and it proved an excellent way to spend an afternoon.

After so many days and stops we finally arrived to our last port of call, Athens. By this time we were both missing you all quite a bit, but had some remaining days to explore. Athens is not in my estimation a beautiful city, the architecture is from the 60’s-80’s and bland, and everything seems to be covered in graffiti. However, that said it is a nice city, full of history, warm people, and a great climate and culture. We explored the Acropolis with its many temples, journeyed outside the city to the temple of Poseidon perched above the sea at the southernmost point of Attica, and wandered through sprawling museums rich with centuries of history. I think the Acropolis and the trip to Sounio where the temple of Poseidon rests were my favorite parts.

The one thing that tied it all together for me was being there with your mother. As I grow older she becomes more and more my favorite person, the one I am most at ease around and with. When I see or experience something wonderful I want her to be there too. I want all of you to have that as well someday. As I have been writing lately life is not worth living if you live it alone, and the greatest part of life is love. Do what you love with the ones you love. Showing love to those that don’t deserve it, and better yet being there in love for the ones who desperately need it.

There will always be a piece of me watching the sunset in Sounio, the last rays of orange reflecting across the blue waves to the white marble etched and placed by hand thousands of years ago, part of me is with those stones now. As long as I live I will have a table in Athens watching children play and old couples gather for dinner as I share a bottle of wine, a light Semillon with your mother, reflecting on our journey together. One cannot increase time, but one can use it well, to store up treasures where no one and nothing can take them. Even if someday I forget myself, those things will always be a part of me now, as you will always be a part of me, no matter what may come.

I want to take a small moment to remind that life can be short, and will never be fair, but will always have beauty- even if we cannot see it. This past week a beautiful little girl named Oakley Poth passed away from Leukemia, she was not quite 3 years old. Her family wrote that they know she is in heaven with our Father now, there will be no more pain or tears, and we will all be with her soon. The pain is for those who remain, and who miss her every day. I write this to remind you that the things that seem hard in life are often trivial, we must be grateful for even our worst days that we get to spend with one another. I know Oakleys family would give anything to have her for one more moment, one more cuddle or kiss or laugh. We must live life knowing it will end, as to make the most of it before it does.  

Quinn- you are still my blue-eyed monster. You are so beautiful, and can be so sweet- and then there is the two-year-old part of you that melts down into a red-hot rage and deep deep sorrow when things don’t go your way! You love when we dance as a family, usually to Taylor Swift that Cora puts on. Cora copies your dance moves and you get a big kick out of it. You have most of us at your beckon call, you love babies and push them often in your stroller around the house. You are also a big fan of Daniel Tiger and I think this past weekend you fell a bit in love with Cash Bishop- you kept calling his name and would smile whenever you saw him, you two played together nonstop at his cabin in Payson. “Cashy” is how you called him. You are my sweet muffin, or Quinsters or Quinny as I call you, I love you so much.

Cora, lately you are a somewhat sad reminder of how quickly life can pass by. All of a sudden, my little girl seems like a little woman. We cut your hair short- partially because Bella cut hers short, partially because you took scissors to your hair on your own accord more than once and sort of butchered it.…. lets say you were less than eager to share the truth about what happened. Ill play with your brother and sister and you’ll ask me to do the same things to you, trouble is I cant easily toss you overhead or spin you around in circles without throwing my back out! You were the only one that had us all to yourselves for 3 years though, so you had plenty of playtime. You make me proud every day, you are so smart, and I love how silly you are in your heart, how much joy you have. One thing we have been working on is gratitude, I want to make sure I raise you to know your life is not someone elses fault, and its up to you to decide how to live joyfully no matter what comes, that only you can chose the direction of your life. I really don’t want to fail you in that. One other note is you are playing volleyball like crazy- practice 3 days in a row and then a game day- if it becomes too much we will cancel the school volleyball to give you some rest- but energy never seems to be lacking with you! I love you so much- forever my Cora lovey.

Family Summer Vacation 2018

Well our 2018 family vacation (minus Quinn) is in the books. This year we set out to Legoland and SeaWorld. I am reasonably sure that the very idea came from your asking Cora, after seeing numerous advertisements on TV. Also due to the advertising we stayed in the new Legoland Castle hotel- I think the thing you two were most excited about was the bunkbed in the room.

Our roadtrip there went well all in all, which means you two slept and or quietly watched your iPads most of the time! One thing I remembered from my childhood which I wanted to do for you was to stop at a gas station and let each of you pick something out- we did this in Yuma. I don’t know why it felt special to me as a kid, but it was fun for me to relive it through you- Deacon you got M&M’s and Cora you got some kind of gummies. One other eventful part was as we made the climb from the desert to the mountains before you get to San Diego we went through a storm- it wasn’t raining very hard but we got to drive through a cloud. You both put your hands and heads outside the windows thought it was pretty cold- I couldn’t see too far ahead so I was focused on the road.

Legoland was awesome, and seeing you two have so much fun was even better. Once you are a parent you will realize that one of the best parts is seeing your children filled with joy. From having breakfast in the mornings (pancakes for Cora and waffles for Deacon) to all the rides, you two were in heaven. Cora, you were particularly happy that each day you got to drink soda- another vacation treat. Deacon every single day you found time to nap on me around noon for about 20-30min, but you never once complained about walking around or being too tired- you were a real trooper. Cora you didn’t complain either- except once when you fell down and scrapped your leg and acted like it was the end of the world…. But you recovered after a few rides.

I think our favorite rides overall were the roller coasters, much to my surprise you two braved each and every one of them. I remember riding a similar one in Disneyland when I was young and I got so scared I didn’t ride a roller coaster again until I was a Freshman in high school- I guess you two are going to be a lot braver than me. We started with the dinocoaster, then there was a dragon roller coaster, and finally an oddly named Lego Technic Coaster. Deacon one of your favorite rides was a mummy ride where we all got to shoot lasers at a target, Cora your favorite was the Dragon coaster. One nice part about being there before school was out is there were hardly any lines, thinking back on this trip as I write makes me sad its all over- but also makes me smile thinking of all the fun we had.

We ended up at Seaworld on Saturday, which meant it was a bit more crowded but we still had a great time. There were three shows that we did, a dolphin show, sealion show, and the orca show. The dolphins was kind of an acrobatics display, the sealions were all comedy, and the orcas were just amazing to see. By the time you two are adults the orca show will most likely have ceased, there was a documentary called Blackfish made a few years back that created a lot of controversy about having whales in captivity. There are arguments to be made on both sides, but ultimately when I looked around at the 400 people or more in the stadium I know 99% of us will never see an Orca in the wild, and seeing them in Seaworld helps us appreciate them, and if that ultimately makes us more responsible in preserving the wales environment then I think it is a good thing. In any case all the shows were great. We also did some rides, two of which soaked us to the bone!

Spending time as a family seeing you two growing and learning and having fun is the best part of my life. I am at this point where my youth is more and more behind me, which sometimes gets me down. However, seeing your lives take shape and being able to pour adventure and fun into them, being able to help give you a great childhood gives such purpose to my life. I know things won’t always be as they are when you are 7 and 4, you won’t always want to hang out with me and cuddle and listen to most things I say, and that’s ok, because life is all about seasons. This is one of my favorites, the young innocent, great wide world of possibilities and adventure season. I want to let you live in it for as long as you can and enjoy it as much as you can before the next season arrives.

One aside I will mention, while we were in the Legoland your mother spotted a child wearing a Make A Wish badge. Make A Wish is an organization that was set up to bless children with terminal health issues by granting a wish, like a trip to Disneyland, Legoland, or meeting a celebrity. I thought it was an important reminder during our fun that we cannot take anything for granted, and that we should always be cognizant that there are people in this world who are struggling and hurting. I don’t bring this up to make us feel bad about our fun, but to draw attention to the balance of life and the frailty of it. Life cannot be about only serving yourself, and though some moments will be full of joy others will be full of struggle. For me it was a reminder to live in those moments with you as much as I can and never take them for granted, and now I will always have the memories of our trip together, and I hope you will too.

Cora- you were such a big girl on this trip, so helpful at every turn and so open to expressing how much you were enjoying everything. You left a note for the housekeepers in the Legoland hotel that those had been the best two days of your life. You were also kind to your brother during the trip and at times when he would need it you comforted him, and you played with him really nicely. The souvenir you decided on was a white seal- or Harp seal- you thought about your purchase for a few days, you are so smart and always put your thoughts together so well. I am so proud of you and love you so much.

Quinn- you stayed home for this one since you were not quite two years old. You pretty much shunned us when we got back, as I am sure you were a bit mad. You seemed to have a very good time with Mimi and Papa though. Also when we got back we found you learned the phrases, no no mommy, no no daddy. So that has been fun lately! I mostly call you my fuzzy headed monster, or still Qunisters. You are so sweet and cuddly, and your hair is getting so long and a bit curly at the ends in the back. I sure do love you.

Coffee Pot

Well 2018 is off to a decent start. As I write this the first three months have already passed, they held a fair amount of change. For one my role at work changed, I went from a Sales Director to Business Director, which seems for the time being to be half of what I used to do as a Product Line Manager, but for a business about 3 times the size and twice the complexity, so that balances it out. I do not yet enjoy the role as much as my last, and am finding it strange not to travel after doing so regularly for the past 11 years of work. I love being out and about and having a change of scenery, I am fortunate that my career has provided that in spades. However, I remain optimistic about what I will learn and how this role will prepare me for the next, and how I can make a positive impact.

Change is tough when it’s not to one’s liking. I interact sometimes with people who have rarely changed roles, or habits for that matter for decades. I suppose that a lifestyle of that sort comes with a great deal of comfort and regularity, up to the point when something you didn’t anticipate comes along and then it would really throw you for a loop…. But I digress.

This past year was my most lucrative financially. It is a strange thing to make more money than you had ever envisioned. I remember when I was first starting out and my friend Nathan and I were talking, we said if we could just make $80,000 a year our lives would be perfect. I made multiples of that this year, and yet as you may someday find depending on the path you take, it effected a negligible amount of change to my joy. Now materially speaking there were improvements, new pool, bathroom, vacations paid for, investments made- but my joy, that did not change. Money didn’t make me love you more, or you me. Money didn’t perfect my marriage, or improve my relationships with my friends. I didn’t let money separate me from God, but if I am being honest the pursuit of one diminished from the pursuit of the other.

While preparing our taxes recently my CPA told me most people in our income range donate 2-3% of their income, we had donated 12%. I don’t say that to brag, but to let you know my success did not come solely from blind luck, or hard work. The very company I work at now came about because your Papa sat in the stands at Uncle Taylors swim meets near someone who worked at Honeywell. When I was looking for a new role that someone was willing to pass my resume to the hiring manager, a resume that would have gotten lost in the “unqualified” pile due to me not having Aerospace experience. God opened the doors at the right time. I see it clearly, the blessings he has given us are not to be hoarded, they are to be shared, he blessed me for a reason, and it wasn’t so I could have a new pool. Having or not having money is not what matters, what matters is if you are responsible with what you are given, and if you are serving something greater than yourself. If you are not, joy and peace will be out of your reach no matter the income you achieve. You may be happy, and have nice things, but you cannot buy yourself a better life- not in the way that matters.

I am most likely repeating myself here but lately I don’t feel like I am working for myself. Most of what I do is with a long term in mind, and that long term revolves around the 3 of you and your mother. After my heart issue I increased my life insurance and as each month passed thought “ok, more debt paid down, more saved, the kids will be ok if I die”. My outlook month to month was the longer I lived the more secure your future would be. I am less fatalistic these days but my goals remain the same, provide a better life for you and even for your children, leave a legacy for my family. Now I just said that money doesn’t purchase what really matters, but for me I look to it to purchase freedom. If I can do enough maybe your freedom, to travel and enrich your lives, to buy a vacation home where you can bring your families someday to visit mom and I.

The things that make me “happy” have changed so much as I got older. When I was younger it was more focused around those things- my jeep, video games, large purchases- guns, fancy clothes, outdoor equipment. Now I am happiest when I watch all of you enjoying life, when we have play time together, when I see you take joy in moments and learn. I also find happiness in my solitude at times, one of my greatest enjoyments is a glass of bourbon and a decent cigar, on a cold night by a fire, listening to some good music. I have always been a lonesome soul. At times I transport myself back to times and places when I was at peace, sitting next to haggler creek near Payson, looking across golden grass blowing in the wind at sunset while quail hunting, most of the memories I am in the wild, alone, I don’t know why- but that is where I go.

This past week my friend Cameron and I went four wheeling to a place called Coffee Pot, it is east of Rye, south of Payson. The rancher I spoke to told me the trail was rough but we would be ok in a jeep, turned out we needed a very modified Jeep, which luckily Cameron had. The road back was only 8 miles but it took all of 2 hours to drive it, large drops and ledges, loose rocks and overgrown brush made it pretty difficult. I took some pictures once we got to the campsite- they don’t do the place justice but I will include them. You cross through two canyons and move from desert landscape at about 4 thousand feet to Alligator Juniper trees and grassland at 6,200 feet. At Coffee Pot there is a bunkhouse where the cowboys still sleep when working cattle in the backcountry and most likely finding strays. There was a wood burning stove and simple setup, it must be lonely but it was beautiful. We camped in a mountain meadow, undisturbed by anything but the breeze and stars. It was fantastic to have an adventure and spend some time with a good friend in the place I long to be- the wild. We have a lot coming up this summer so I am sure I will be writing more.

Music lately- Josh Garrels- Further Along, Avett Brothers- The Perfect Space, Murder in the City (and a lot of their other songs), Jake Owen-Anywhere With You, Lord Huron- Hurricane and Ends of the Earth.