Summer 2024

 

Summer 2024 was in a word- Epic. I believe the idea started when a friend of mine told me about a program the National Parks have that when you are in 4^th grade you get access to all the parks for free, and then your mother jumped all over the idea and really increased the scope. The shocking part is that of all the parks we visited- all in the western US, I had only been to one of them already!

Starting in June we journeyed to the beautiful state of Utah, beginning first with Bryce Canyon, the only place I had been to before. One of my favorite hikes was honestly the first one of the whole trip, which was technically outside the park boundary, but a good stretch of the legs after the long drive, the mossy cave trail. I think what I liked about it so much is it was the first of many, and your responses were so positive. You all wanted to keep exploring, and you were all enjoying how beautiful (and nowhere near as hot as Phoenix) it was. On our real day in Bryce Canyon we did the Navajo Loop Trail, to the Queens Garden, and then came up Wallstreet. We got a bit warm at some points but all in all the hiking was beautiful and seeing the hoodoo rock formations and coloring was really fun. I got to talk in my foreign accent and unbutton my shirt to a dangerously exposed level which really made
Cora happy!

Next up was Zion. We stayed in a small, 2 queen and one rollaway twin bedroom- but the key is we stayed in the only hotel inside the park gates. The advantage of this was that we got a jump start on the day, didn’t have to wait in long shuttle lines, and had a great place to relax mid-day when it was the hottest outside. Our first hike was to the Zion overlook- it was a good start to the trip to watch the sunset over a beautiful view of the park. The trail there was pretty easy and we killed time waiting for the sun to go down by scrambling over the rocks and generally exploring. The next day we started with the best hike we did in Zion- The Narrows! The Narrows is where the canyon tapers and you are basically hiking in the Virgin River the entire time, which was awesome, but a bit chilly in the morning. We started around 9am, and pretty quickly had to pass the deepest spot, which for me was up to my lower chest- so Deacon and Cora you got pretty wet- Quinn, I put you on my shoulders so you mostly got your legs wet. I had read ahead of time about the need for walking sticks so we were well prepared for the slippery rocks beneath us and we all kept our balance well. We went about 2 miles up the river- stopping for snacks anytime we found a sunny spot because the water had drained all our heat. All of us were sunning ourselves like lizards on the rocks, Cora you’ve actually always called it Lizarding. We stopped at a good spot, though each bend in the river seemed to reveal another beautiful scene. Deacon you were such a skinny boy that the cold really affected you and you were shivering pretty good- and really didn’t want to go further. The nice thing was that as we turned around the sun got to the point where it was shinning into the canyon and so the water- and our bodies- all warmed up nicely. As we were hiking out all three of you began to swim in the river and play with floating down it instead of hiking down it. Our afternoons were spent relaxing in the lawn outside the hotel under the giant cottonwood tree, or in the room napping. That night we had an early dinner- during which Deacon ordered “the big sexy burger” when it came he remarked “that’s not as sexy as I thought it would be”, which had us all cracking up. We did a hike after to Watchman Overlook. That night we stayed up until 11 and walked out to see the stars. It was so magical because there is no light pollution out there. The canyon walls loomed overhead, but in the pitch black they only appeared as though the sky was starless, at their crest the light dotted heavens expanded overhead, truly showing where we ended and the sky began. Our last day we did a more grueling hike (mostly due to a bridge being out) called the Emeral Pools, and that evening did Scout Lookout- which is part of the Angels landing trail. Scout Lookout was a peaceful end to our three days in Zion, the trail was empty, and we were hiking a good path above the virgin river, with views up and down the canyon as the sunset and the softer light was reflecting off the canyon walls. On a funny note- with about 300 yards left back to the hotel Coras dinner began not to agree with her- so I adapted Taylor Swifts song- “you need to calm down” to “I need to go now” and made it about bathroom emergencies…. It fit perfectly, the lyrics almost wrote themselves- good news Cora, you made it in time.

After a few weeks we hit the road again July 9^th- destination Yosemite! I do believe this was the most beautiful stop on our whole trip, its no wonder it is known worldwide and draws visitors from across the globe. Our first day we did what was most likely the most beautiful hike- Vernal Falls. It was also the most crowded with some pretty decent uphill portions and a long staircase to the top of the falls but each step was well worth the reward. When we were halfway up the staircase section I spotted an un-used trail leading to the falls- we followed it and had some amazing pictures and moments being misted by the waterfall and seeing the rainbow the mist made when the sun was hitting it at the right angle. At the top of the falls there was a great area to explore and relax and have our snack. Once we made it back we had some pizza and ice cream back in Curry Village and then did a bit of driving and exploring the Valley, ultimately doing a small hike to Bridal Veil falls where we enjoyed the way the waterfall would change depending on the winds, and cooling our feet in the creek below it. Day two we headed down the Glacier Point road to the Sentinel Dome and Taft Point hikes. Sentinel Dome was awesome, and provided what were probably the best views we had of the entire Valley. You guys thought I was joking when we were still far away and I told you we were going to the top- but really the trail up there was a gentle slope and the granite provides a nice grippy surface. The trail to Taft Point was also beautiful, we found some wonderful wildflower fields along the creek and it lulled us into relaxing before we got to Taft Point which was terrifying because you can get right up to the edge of some drop offs hundreds of feet to the valley floor below. Mom and I were freeked out, especially with Deacon as you never know what that little boy is going to do! We quickly took in the views and headed back to our car. Our final spot we actually would end up visiting twice- Glacier Point overlook. The real gem here was the view of Half Dome, and also Vernal and Nevada falls off to its right. After we had dinner that evening and relaxed back at our rental house we left around 9:30 and drove through the dark back to Glacier Point. My idea was to see it on a clear night with a backdrop of stars and that is just what we got! Mom was a bit worried about ledges as it was dark but she eventually calmed down, the surprising thing was there were people there around 10PM when we got there, but a little later they were all gone and we had the place to ourselves. We just sat and took in the view, chatting and joking, and mom taught me how to take night pictures on an iphone which became some of my favorite pictures from the whole trip- the three of you sitting facing Half Dome- silhouetted against the night sky dotted with stars and the moon reflecting off the granite monolith in front of you- that’s an image I will always remember. Our last full day we traveled to the far side of the park in the Tuolume Meadows area. We did some small exploring hikes but ended up spending a lot of the day lounging on the sandy beach at Tenaya Lake. The water was pretty cold but Cora got all the way in and swam around some, the rest of us only managed about half our bodies…. Mom managed up to her ankles. The weather was perfect and I actually got quite a nice sunburn on the front of my body- the altitude up there helped out with that. That evening we explored the giant Sequoias and the imposing Grizzly Giant in Mariposa Grove, a nice last stop on a cool evening hike.

Our next stop was a brief one, we piled into the car, and then a hotel for one night before heading to Crater Lake National Park. Crater Lake was maybe one of the more uniquely blue lakes I have ever seen, we did a small hike to Watchman Peak, which was fun due to one section of the trail still being covered in snow, in mid-July! I enjoyed the few hours we had at the park, buy I was really looking forward to our next stop quite a bit- the beach!

Bandon Beach is in southwest Oregon, and I rented us a house built in 1946 that sits right on the shore, overlooking the beautiful surf and rock formations just beyond. When we arrived it was about 65 degrees with a light misting rain, for your mother and I it was heavenly compared to the 115 dry and sunny days in Phoenix we were leaving behind. Sitting on the deck, watching the waves crash, sharing a glass of wine or coffee with mom, watching from the deck as you guys played on the beach, it was all a little slice of perfection. The next few days were actually quite sunny and in the mid 60’s to 70’s. We spent our time walking on the beach, playing and actually doing some races (Cora you got beat by Mom!), exploring the town- where we got some wonderful chocolates and did some shopping, and playing whatever games we could come up with. I also booked us a UTV rental at the Bandon dunes- which freeked Cora out, but that Deacon loved. It kind of scared me a bit as well, cause you would go up these giant dunes and you didn’t quite know what was on the other side- and or if someone was driving up the other side at the same time, in the same place as you were…. We had rented it for two hours but ended up calling it good after one hour of driving. On the way back we got ice cream and mom and I samples cheese at Face Rock Creamery- which was all incredible. The next evening we did a horseback ride along the beach. All of our horses were great, and each of us handled our own. It was such a perfect evening, riding along the soft sand while the waves were coming in and the sun was retiring over the horizon, we all loved it, perhaps Quinn loved it the most though. Mom set up a timelapse video on our deck when we left for dinner- its such a great video of our last night there and the sun slowly sinking over the horizon, the way the light shifts over the 5 hours she recorded for until it was fully dark was breathtaking.

We all dragged our feet leaving the beach house, but the next destination was calling- Mount Rainer. We stayed in Ashford, just outside the main park entrance in a nice quiet little cabin. It once again, like a few places we had stayed had only one bathroom, which made me think about how we could do with far less than the 4 we have at home. Our first day was clear and sunny, and mostly uphill! We hiked the skyline trail which was about 2 miles… but like I said a pretty good incline at altitude. You all complained quite a bit, but once we got to the viewpoints the scenery was spectacular. Wildflowers were growing on all the green slopes, you could see numerous waterfalls from the melting glaciers, and above it all loomed Mount Rainer. We found an area still covered in snow and each of us did some very brisk sledding on our backsides down the path- it was a nice cooldown! We explored around a bit more and all three of you fell asleep in the car on the way to the next hike, which we did about a half mile of before we gave up- Cora ran most of the way back due to some bugs who did not want to leave her alone. We spent the rest of the day relaxing in the hot tub and doing some reading. The next day we went to the far side of the park near the Stevens Canyon entrance and started with Naches Peak. Good thing I read reviews about mosquitoes and were prepared, cause they were everywhere! Their presence kept us motivated and moving along the 3.5 mile trail, which we had some nice cloud cover for. The views were once again spectacular, trail uncrowded, and wildflowers abundant. Our final hike was Silver Falls. It was, and is, the most beautiful water I have seen in my entire life. We detoured from the main trail to a spot along the riverbank, and it was something out of a movie, a time before people had polluted the world, the water looked like it had been purified and then colored an almost bright turquoise blue. Cora you and I desperately wanted to swim in it… but the temperature and remaining hiking dissuaded us. All in all I loved our time in Rainer, we watched Harry and the Henderson’s which was filmed there back in the 80’s, and you guys loved it, a nice throw back for mom and I to a movie from our youth.

Our next stop in the State of Washington was Lake Quinault, which sits in an area considered to be a rainforest, which is also part of Olympic National Park. We rented a beautiful VRBO nestled in a cleared grass field surrounded by a stream- it had more than one bathroom so everyone was happy! We actually met up with the Quijanos on our first day there and did a small hike and then saw the worlds largest Sitka Spruce tree- which you all looked at for about 15 seconds and then ran for the lake to play and splash around. The next day we took a beautiful drive through the rain forest to hike the north fork of the Quinault River. We were the only ones on the trail, and there are a lot of bears and cougars in the area- so you guys made very sure you were never the last in line. One time mom ended up in the middle of the pack and you all made her move to the back! We made it about 2.5 miles to our destination and then explored along the river, we found a place that was one of the most splendid scenes I could imagine. A sandy riverbank along a curve in the river, the far side covered in tall trees, the sunlight pouring down on us, the water was perfectly clear with enough rapids that were neither too loud or quiet, the perfect peaceful spot for lunch and relaxation. We played along the shore and waded in the water and we probably all got more tanned than we expected, I loved that hike and that day. Cora, you may not remember so ill write it down here, but mom stopped to pee at the same spot in the trail on the way in and out, and that particular spot and a stream and maybe the worlds largest Maple tree, so you and I decided to call it, Mom’s mossy maple pissin creek. Thought you may want to know that someday long from when I am writing this. One more thing, we all wore matching shirts on the hike. Cora you and I protested greatly about them, but honestly I feel bad for doing so and let it go when the time came. Your mother worked hard on them, and did a good job on the design. As corny as I thought they were I love the picture of us all wearing them, and I love your mothers heart behind making them.

Next we headed up the coast to stay with a friend of mine who has a house along the ocean shore in Sequim WA, along the way we made a stop at Sol Duc Falls to stretch our legs and it was well worth the short hike through another part of Olympic National Forest. Cora when we arrived at my friends house he was showing us around and took us to what’s basically a self-contained apartment over their garage, you quickly claimed the place to yourself and it was like you were living on your own for 4 nights. During our stay Andrew graciously took us out on his boat, Quinn you caught a small shark, Deacon you caught some other fish I cant remember, but best of all he taught us how to catch Dungeness Crab. We lowered 4 pots into the bay and returned late that afternoon to haul them up. Each of you got to take a turn using the winch to lift the pots, and then Andy showed us how to determine their sex, and measure which ones were large enough to keep. That wasn’t the only foraging for dinner we would do, as after we set the pots we drove to a nearby tidal area while the tide was out and learned how to find oysters and clams- quite the experience for us desert dwellers. I cant say any of us were huge fans of how the oysters or clams tasted, but mom was brave enough to eat a raw one on the beach. I attempted…. But ended up spitting it out as I thought I might gag- I’ve had them in restaurants- guess they were smaller, but nevertheless, still not a fan. That night we had a feast, Crab, Oysters, Clams and of course, great company that was generous enough to share their weekend, and a few days of their lives with us. Hospitality is such a beautiful thing, to feel welcomed in a strange place, to be given comfort and nourishment, to be extended the invitation to join someone’s life, to cost someone something, but to be given it freely and cheerfully- its one of the greatest things in life to receive, and to give hospitality. The next day we traveled back into Olympic National Park and up to Hurricane Ridge. It was about a 3-mile hike, but on the way there all uphill…. Cora we had a small conversation on the way up through a slightly bad attitude you were harboring about finding the beauty in the place you are in life, and being able to find gratitude even though things aren’t going exactly to your liking. I believe I perhaps harshly told you “only losers cant find the beauty in a place like this, you may never be here again in your life, and plenty of people wish they were standing right where you are right now, just because its not easy to hike up this hill doesn’t mean we aren’t surrounded by beauty, so stop complaining and focus on what things you should be grateful for- the people who took us here, that you can walk up a mountain like this with strong legs, and that all around you there is beauty. You’re not a loser, so stop acting like one.” At least it was something along those lines- as you read this later in life know something- its normal to complain as a teenager, kind of par for the course as they say, but I want to make sure you mature through it- cause adults who complain all the time are insufferable bores, who live lonely and small lives. In any case, lecture aside, we made it to the top- enjoyed seeing out to Canada, and the still snowcapped mountains in central Olympic on a clear beautiful day. One thing you might all also remember were the two Cavalier King spaniels our friends had, Frankie and Feddy, they were so sweet and you all loved them.

We departed Sequim and headed for Lake Tahoe, where it had actually been four years since our last trip there, after a few regular summers of spending at least a week on its cool shores. One small detour note- on the way down to Tahoe we stopped in Poulsbo WA, one to see one of moms friends, and secondly- but perhaps most importantly visit Sluys Bakery. We waited in a small line out front and gazed through the window, making our plans for everything we would order. We ended up with two boxfuls of sweet treats- Deacon you ate the largest chocolate donut I’ve ever seen- they called it the Happy Viking, we all enjoyed our treats at the oceanside park while mom and her friend chatted. Lake Tahoe was beautiful as always, days by the beach, reading, splashing, relaxing, evenings in the hot tub, watching the Olympics, listening to the trees swaying. Quinn you had your birthday while we were there which we celebrated with some chocolate cake and presents from your siblings, Deacon was very, very concerned about you getting presents on your birthday, he took me aside more than once asking when we would shop for you and then when he could give you the Roblox gift card he picked out. Tahoe was our last delay of the inevitable and necessary return back to the summer suffering that is Phoenix, and it was a wonderful last few days.

This was my favorite summer trip we have all taken, maybe due to the amount of time we were together as a family, maybe due to how much beauty we saw, maybe because of the joy I saw each of you find in the places we went- and- at times- in one another. Your mother and you three are the best part of my life, everything else would be meaningless without you, I love you so much it hurts sometimes, and nothing will ever separate you from that love.

 

Cora- I took this picture of you at Bandon. I thought it was the perfect example of who you are, and what stage of life you are in. My daughter, whom I am so proud of, sitting alone, facing the expansive sea, full of possibilities, adventure and danger, on the cusp of womanhood. I don’t know what you were thinking while sitting there, but I found the moment beautiful. Middle school was my least favorite time of life. Everything feels uncomfortable, I rarely felt like I fit in anywhere, embarrassment was easy and contentment was hard, my emotions were as changing as the wind, I desperately wanted to feel older, and to be cool- and I was neither of those things. You as a teenager, are not easy to deal with all the time, its not your fault, its to be expected. I do love that I can talk with you, reason with you, slow things down with you- and that eventually, you will listen, and that I- get to listen to you, to what is going on in your heart, and your mind. You have wisdom and wit, beauty, confidence that I lacked at your age, and you still let me hug you, and you’ll still occasionally laugh at my silliness. Sometimes I long for the chubby baby, or little girl with the sweet voice, playing our make-believe games and you asking me to nap with you. I love that when I think of those things, and get sad that they are gone you still let me hug you for too long, that you don’t make me let go too soon, for a man who feels like all this growing up happened too soon. I love the girl/ teenager you are- and seeing the woman you will someday be, and that I get to be here to help you, and love you.

 

 

Quinn- I took this picture of you on the north fork of the Quinault River, near Wolf Bar camp. My sweet Quinn, eyes as blue and bright and lifegiving as the river behind you, exuding the joy I felt being with my family in that spot. You turned 8 years old on this trip, four years ago you turned 4 in Tahoe, this being the second birthday you’ve celebrated there- our summer girl. I love your spirit more than I can say, you persevere, you never once complained about being tired on the hikes, and you have smaller legs than any of us. You remarked about the beauty, found joy in playing with your brother, and a few times went skipping down the trail. It’s a good picture of your spirit- overflowing with joy. When I was filming Cora- who isn’t often that kind to you- to make fun of her for running from the insects, you came to her defense and warned her what I was doing as well as blocked my view. You are the defender in the family, quick to stick up for anyone you feel is being wronged. You also, like your brother, occasionally pull out great one liners, but yours typically have more sass to them! I always think you are gifted at being the baby of the family, the sweetness when we get sour, and the joy to keep us all afloat. I love you so much, and love the giant hugs you give me every night before bed when you squeeze me as tightly as you can and try to hold onto me so that I cannot go. 

Dad Turns 40

 

Well, 2024 has rolled around and with it so has my 40^th birthday. Honestly, I didn’t reflect on the passing of my 30’s to 40’s as much as one might think, I planned two major events- that I will delve into shortly, but overall it seemed a less than noteworthy passing. Although now reflecting on it I may have a different opinion.

So, to begin with, I pondered what I wanted to do for my 40^th. I thought about the things I loved, and outdoors, friends, adventure, bourbon and cigars came to mind. Keep in mind that this was not “what I love the most” type thinking- otherwise that would have revolved around you three, this was, if I could feel spoiled for a day what would that include. What I landed on was that I wanted to explore more of the west with people I loved, riding dirt bikes, hiking, hunting, shooting, smoking cigars, and drinking a rare bottle of bourbon I had been saving for 3 years (Thomas H Handy Sazerac). Also your mother and I are going to do a trip to New Zealand which has always been very high on my list of places to visit. I am going to note the friends I had accompany on my trip because I think its worthwhile: Nick Hutchens, Sean Bishop, Rory Starks, Ian Tomich, Ryan Stevens, Dan Martin, Kevin Art, and Cameron Wyatt. I wanted to note the names because in a strange way, I knew the 9 of us would never again be gathered together like this in the same place. Growing older means increasing in wisdom- if you are purposeful about it anyway- and wisdom nowadays is knowing that these types of things are rare, that life happens, and to never take anything for granted.

The weekend went off without a hitch. Everyone was able to show up, and we did everything I wanted to. I was able to share a toast with the guys I had by and large shared my adult life with, and I was able to sit quietly as the night grew longer, reflecting on what each of them meant to me, the life I had passed in this place I had hunted and explored through the years (Bloody Basin off the 1-17 north of Phoenix), and that a certain part of my life was over, never to be repeated. If I had one wish it would be that I could sit and tell each of those men what they meant to me. Some of them know- as when a close friend passed years ago I wrote 3 of them letters with very specific requests if that should happen to me (Sean, Ian, Rory) but the rest may not know, that is simply folly and awkwardness on my part.  Though as I have grown older I do much better with telling people what need be said, as I have seen that the hours and days are fleeting.

Now to the part that involves you three. My constant companion, perhaps the companion of all parents- the question that nags at us; do you know I love you, am I doing what I should to better your life, do you feel safe and loved, do you know that I am a flawed man, but that I do everything I can to make sure you have a better life than I had? Better life, what a trap of a phrase. From an American standpoint we may take it to mean richer, more abundant in possessions. What I mean is far from that. When I think of better life I think of freedom, knowing truth and goodness, surrounded by beauty, full of love and the peace that it brings, being understood and accepted for who we are, while still striving to better ourselves- not for ourselves- but so that others may benefit. If there is a judge and jury of this world on how I conducted my life it will be the three of you, and of course Mom who knows me better than anyone ever will. I feel that weight, and I should, as you are my God given responsibility. I also know acutely how I have failed you, and sometimes it haunts me. It is no great surprise to me that in a fallen world a fallen man has arrived short of his ideals and those that were set before him, but nevertheless, I reflect on all the times I could have done better as a father, your father.

When I turned 40, Cora you were 13, Deacon 10, Quinn 7. The things that were important to me: our vacations and adventures, showing you that money was not the ultimate goal, making sure you felt understood and loved where you were in life, making sure you knew I would always be there for you and love you no matter what, pushing you to be the best version of yourselves by telling you of all the lessons I had learned over the years the hard way, laughing and playing with you, being silly, cuddling before you were too big to not want to cuddle anymore, saying I was sorry when I was wrong and you were right, being excited about the things you were excited about, making sure you had experiences that would enrich your life, showing you what a man should be.

A glimpse into your father. As I write this, I am sitting in a hotel room in Olympia WA, I had work meetings today and then spent 3 hours driving to Mt Rainer and back because I wanted to see it, and I love driving alone through unfamiliar places and listening to music. All I desire is freedom, I often wish the world had 40% less people and that it was a wilder unexplored place so that I could discover it in solitude, or with a close group of adventuresome friends. I stopped and got a coffee a roadside stand and found a quiet forest road to park my rental car. I walked among the moss-covered forest giants and allowed myself to feel the cold winter air on my skin, sitting quietly in the soft rain that was falling, in the stillness, when people do not visit this forest, being happy for a time that it was just mine, for the reprieve it brought from the world at large, its troubles and distractions. I was, and am, very happy in that place, and a hundred places like it I have detoured and traveled to.

I was reflecting on the somewhat specific number of the past 17 year with your mother recently. It struck me that so much time had gone by, and in retrospect I had difficulty grasping the significant details during those years that transpired. Certainly there were the momentous occasions, your births, moves, vacations and so forth. However, intertwined there are a million other memories, moments, that are on the razors edge of my memory. Driving to GA wondering if I would ever have a second child as Deacon clung to life. Making great friends in a strange place, and them making us feel at home. Watching a cardinal in our backyard while I chopped wood in GA. Seeing your mother develop a certain level of fortitude living away from her parents for the first time. Watching our friends have children, and playing with them as infants (some of which are now taller than me and grown men). Seeing the sunset in distant lands after business trips that I had always dreamt about in college. Struggling with your mother to build a marriage we both needed. Feeling young, feeling old, being content with life, striving for a better life. Asking God what I should make of my life, surrendering, or trying to surrender, to what he would have my life be.

There is a quote I remember from a book I read long ago, about a Roman soldier visiting a graveyard. He came across a gravesite that had and inscription that read “as you are now, I once was, as I am now you someday will be”. When you are young you rejoice in your youth, and rightfully so. When you grow old you think back on it, long for certain aspects of it, and rejoice in some of the things you have now that you would never trade. I would never trade the three of you, when you came into our lives and how you shaped them, what you taught me, and how you helped me understand what true love was. No regrets is a bad and often misspelled tattoo, of course I have regrets, plenty, but the three of you- you are the meaning to my life, the exclamation points, the highlights, the purpose that drives it all. I am my own man, and deep down these pages are so that you can know the man that is your father, you shape me, give me meaning, give me a reason to be. 40 years have gone by, for 13 of them I was a father, for the rest of them until I am gone I will be a father, yours, yours only. I love you, and of all the things I am, I am proud to be yours.

 

Cora, since the last time I wrote you turned 13! Officially a teenager. Mom took you to Paris and you had a wonderful time together. I guess I should note what you did: explored Versailles, fashion tour, the Louvre, cooking classes, macaroon making class, Eifel tower, buying a Pauline bag with mom, generally having a much finer 13^th than I ever did! What to say to a 13 year old who is embarrassed by most things I do around her….. well- by the time you read this you will have grown out of that, perhaps you will even have your own children by the time you are reading this. Just last night before I took off on a work trip, I was telling you goodnight as I might leave before you were awake in the morning. You came and sat next to me on the couch and I took you in my arms and hugged you, and started trying to chew on your arms and wrists saying “where is my chubby baby girl” we laughed as it has been forever since you were my tiny chubbly baby. Today in the airport I was reflecting on the moment, happy, so happy to have had it. Knowing for a short time you are still mine, still a piece of you that wants to be held and loved by her father. You are my responsible girl, most like me of all three of you, including the bad parts of me I try and help you notice…. Your brother and sister love you and when you are kind to them they glow, they light up, and I see a complete happiness in them that is rare. You love Taylor Swift, your new rabbit Smokey (who is just so sweet) you went on a date with a boy kind of and then I made you be nice and not ghost him when you were not interested (Biltmore date, with Rory Pinkerton as 3^rd wheel for safety). You are growing into a wonderful woman, and I struggle to realize that by the time I turn 50 you will in all likelihood be married and perhaps even have a child (you say you want 8). I love you so much, my first, and only, chubby baby. One other note, the other night you were kind of mad at me- I forget about what, but I was saying goodnight to you and I was remembering how when you were younger you would always want me to nap with you in your bed. I was thinking that those days are so long gone, but part of my heart ached that they were, that I didn’t remember when the last time was you asked. I know you still need me, but I think it hurts all dads when we look back at those moments that have to pass, knowing we didn’t cherish them enough before they did.

 

Quinn, I have rarely seen sweetness so personified, you feel…. Deeply, in all things. That can be a blessing and a burden, but for our family it has been a blessing. The degree to which you love, and rejoice is so pure and radiant. You are so quick to come to the defense of one of us or anyone you feel is being picked on. You have a quick wit and an ability to make us all crack up with your one liners. We finally signed you up for horseback lessons and you have been loving them, I do not think we will ever be a horse family, but for now we are indulging the desires of your sweet heart. I took you on a father daughter night recently, we shared some ice cream filled doughnuts, explored around Desert Ridge, and played a bunch of racing games and Dave and Busters. You told me multiple times that I was the best Daddy ever, and it made me feel wonderful inside. I have been too hard on your sweet heart sometimes, mostly involving math homework (much to my shame as I am terrible at math), those things always make me cringe and filled with remorse and regret. I guess I want you to read this someday and know that I am well aware of the times I failed you,  when I let the stress of the day and my aggravation override my responsibility to be at my best for you. I am really sorry, and I love and cherish you dearly.