First Vacation

Your father has been distracted as of late. There is no excuse for not writing, it seems perhaps 2 months have gone by, probably 4 since I last put a post on this journal, though I do have them on my computer and have just failed to upload them. I want to tell you about your first vacation.

I have a good friend who you will hopefully meet someday. His name is Brent Gaylord. We only knew each other for 4 years in high school, but that was enough to cement a strong friendship that has lasted through 9 years of us living at opposite ends of the country. If you are laughing, thinking to yourself it sounds as though I am describing a lost love, note that it is not lost on me as I type these words. The reason I mention Brent is that he lives in New York, and that was where we took you on a 7 day journey for his wedding, in which I was a groomsman.

You took your first flight on June 27^th 2011. Actually you did pretty well, you are now at the stage that crawling and standing up on things is your favorite pursuit, as is playing with everything that is not a kids toy. Items included on the flight were; boarding passes, plastic cups, napkins, magazines which you like to shred, our shoes, and bits of plastic wrapping or plastic containers. When we landed at JFK 4 hours later you then embarked on your first cab ride into the city.

When we got to our hotel, the Waldorf Astoria, you had a blast. In point of fact you were blasting across the room at wild speeds as you explored every nook and cranny, and brimmed with smiles from ear to ear. Your favorite room, for reasons unknown, was the bathroom. You slept well and we all cuddled together after a delicious dinner at a local Italian restaurant where we kept you busy with lime and lemon wedges.

The next day was our private tour of NYC. Our guide was also named Mark, and was quite taken with you. Actually most New Yorkers we encountered were, I began to think you were the only 7 month old in the city, though once we ventured into the parks we found more children. Our tour ended up being about 10 hours, no joke. Of that I would say I was wearing you for about 7 and mom did the job for about 2, the extra hour was lunch. We saw so many things that I hope someday you get to see again with your friends or husband. We rode the subway, saw famous and historic churches and buildings, viewed ground zero and structures so immense they made one feel both empowered by what man can do, and at the same time insignificantly small and obscure. That night we all crashed hard, one of the first you have slept for 8 hours straight.

Good thing you did sleep, because the next day was another 9 hour day! We successfully navigated the subways without a guide, and arrived at the MET after a short stroll. There were so many great exhibits, we started off in ancient Egypt, then toured “period rooms” from Americas 1700s on that displayed varying lifestyles and fashions, then to ancient arms and armor- my favorite, to Roman and Greek art as well as so many other wonderful things. It is truly fascinating to stand next to something someone not so different than you created hundreds of years ago. I often stop to enter into their life, the things they saw and did, the dreams and beliefs that they held and the passions they followed. It often makes history more relevant when you place yourself in it, or rather in the people’s shoes who lived during those times. We really enjoyed our time there, but after a few hours it was off to central park.

Central park was great, you got to crawl around while we ate some sandwiches we picked up a local deli. You pulled out every blade of grass you could get your hands on, and then you went after our food! We meandered around, stopping for ice cream and to view the sights occasionally. Then disaster struck….. we lost your pacifier! It was something you always needed to go to sleep and comfort you when you got cranky and tired, and somehow it had come loose. I retraced our steps but couldn’t find it, I guess it was some New Yorkers lucky day to score a used pacifier. Luckily mom got you to sleep on a park bench nuzzled up against her. I took a picture, hopefully you will see it someday.

We then went and found you a replacement at a local drugstore, and then….. Tiffanys! Momma went shoppin! I kept you busy and entertained in a corner playing on the floor. Mom ended up with a pretty necklace, one which at time of writing you have not yet broken, but are quite enamored of.

The remainder of the week I got to spend with my old friend and though we ventured into the city another day to ride the Staten Island Ferry and do more shopping and sight seeing the wedding was the next big event. Unfortunately half the bridal party and your mother got sick from the rehearsal dinner and were not feeling so good come Saturday, the day of the wedding. You were quite the hit at the wedding, hanging out with the groomsmen and admiring the brides dress, which I kept you from climbing up onto. You and your mother returned home early that evening since she was not feeling quite right yet, and I stayed and danced like a fool into the early morning.

It was great sharing our first vacation with you. Seeing you smile and seeing so many peoples days brightened by your smile and piercing eyes. Some you would frown at, others- especially waiters in little Italy you were immediately fond of! Your mother and I love to travel and see new things and places, but it was extra special having you along. After two days of carrying you around my back felt extra strong! I hope you have adventures in your life both before and after you start your family. It can be hard at times to get away or go through the troubles that some adventures sometimes entail. But in the end you are rewarded with a richness of memories and moments that will be like punctuation marks in your life. I sure do love you, I love seeing you, kissing you, and watching you grow. I love the way you smile at me and I love the way you smell. I am proud of how you are beautiful like your mother, and I imagine I will be proud of you for the rest of my life. I will always remember our first vacation together, and now, I hope, you can too.

We all went camping for the first time last week. It was so much fun to have you with us enjoying something I love to do with you there. We went to a place called haigler Creek up near Payson AZ with our friends Sean and Jen. You loved being outdoors- I don’t think you took but one nap during the day- which is unusual for you! You were just looking all around enjoying being outside and chatting up a storm, too bad we don’t know what you are saying.

We did a few hikes and you just made noises most of the time, I think you were really happy. It didn’t matter where we went you were right there connected to us, crossing creeks, going down steep mountains or up them you just looked at everything and took it all in. We even got some pictures of you riding the ridgebacks!

I did some shopping to prepare for the trip and now we have a family tent, large enough for all of us and the dogs, a comfy dual sleeping bag and all the rest of the gear we need. Before you came along I mostly had backpacking gear, a small tent, sleeping bag and other lightweight stuff. Most of our camping trips I imagine from now on will be more car camping and less backpacking- too tough to carry you and all of our gear.

I think one of my favorite parts was seeing you in a cute little pink fuzzy bear suit! You will see pictures someday. You were cozy and warm and snuggled with your mommy all night in our sleeping bag. The only one I got to snuggle with was Nyah as she keept creeping closer and closer to me during the night. It was so much fun to share something I really love with you for the first time. I hope this is only the first trip of many to come. You’re my little camping buddy now, and I cant stop smiling every time I think about you in that pink fuzzy bear suit. Love you cuddle munchkin.

Someday you wont remember pooping on me. Someday you may even get embarrassed when I tell you about it. You wont recall the joy that filled you as I lifted you into the air again and again, your face telling the story of contentment and bliss. You may know that I love you, but you wont remember me telling you every night as I kissed you before we went to bed.

I think I will remember. It may be hard to recall how you felt in my arms when you were so tiny. I may forget the sound you would make when you were happy and excited to see me. My love will, however, not be forgotten.

It is so wonderful to have you in my life. Even on the worst days you make all else seem trivial. It is not that the issues disappear; but that when I think about you they are put in their proper perspective. The temporary versus the eternal, the meaningless versus one of the few things in my life I will ever do that is of any significance.

I took a new job and typically that means I start thinking about my next job, or what I could do if this job didn’t work out. Its always in the back of my mind, planning for what is next, preparing for what could happen if things don’t work out.  Sometimes it can be very distracting. I was recently at a meeting where a speaker said that the single greatest factor to happiness was gratitude. That stuck with me, be grateful for what you have, don’t feel entitled to what you don’t.

I stop myself all the time to think about how grateful I am to have you. I am so grateful for all the little memories that you give me, all the things that make me smile throughout my day when I think of you. Because of you I am compelled to be more successful than ever, make more money, provide a great life with all the comforts I can offer. However, I know that is not what will make your life great, what will enrich it is the love you and I share, my quality as your father and as your friend and family. This world is a giant distraction, and then God gave me you, my tiny little reminder to pay attention to what matters the most. I love you sweet girl. Goodnight. 

             I just finished watching a documentary film about Auschwitz. It told the story of how the place was conceived, developed, run and finally ended. One thing kept hurting my heart more than any other, the pictures of the children getting off the trains, every single one of them no more than an hour from their untimely death at the hands of murderers committing genocide.
            Someday when you are young you will most likely think that this world is a mostly good place. Someday when you begin to read the history of the people who have come before you your opinion may change. Your father is a student of history, though I am an amateur my readings often find me learning of suffering in every place people have ever trod or called home. The more I read, the more I long for heaven, the more hope I place in salvation from this fallen world.
           Someday you will read about Auschwitz. You will learn about who Hitler was and what he believed, the hatred that caused the death and suffering of millions of people in every corner of the globe. You will look at the pictures and think, it was long ago, and the sting may not even strike your heart. You will be appalled, and then you will go on with your life without too much thought on the matter.
           I looked at the pictures in the film, black and white, fuzzy and unfocused. Then I paused it and looked at the faces, looked at the expressions, the mothers holding their children’s hands, the children not fully understanding what was happening, but the look of fear in their eyes. It happened, to people just like you and I; people with hopes and dreams and love, people who felt terror and pain as real as you and I feel it. Yet they are but pictures, so often lost to time. We do not enter into their lives, we entertain their sufferings for but a moment, to condemn their tormentors and reassure ourselves that the evil in their hearts does not exist in our own.
          According to the film every single one of the children brought to any of the extermination camps was killed within a short time of their arrival, often with their mothers and the old and sick. They could not work, so they did not live. My mind cannot fully enter into the reality they faced. A knock on the door, your mother and I pushed into a rail car with you in our arms, a long journey to an uncertain fate, and the last time we would ever be together. To watch you torn from me, to learn later from the other prisoners of the fate you had been subjected to, crowded into a room with screaming terrified people as gas filled the air and choked the life from you. It is horrible to ponder such things, but it is far worse to forget that they occurred, and that such evil still is at work in the world today, often as a result of the fact we do not like to be bothered with such issues.
         I like to imagine that Jesus was there in the final moments, that perhaps those children were taken by him before they felt death grip their innocent bodies. I know one thing is certain, each of them was greeted by him, and the pain they felt for an instant was replaced by an eternity of joy and peace.
         You cannot escape evil, it cannot be outrun. One can only face it, and the only One who could overcome it did. Because of that our suffering knows an end, our trials are not ceaseless and our struggle is someday rewarded.
         I have been traveling all this week; my only joy is to look at pictures of you sent by your mom or grandma. I love your little chubby cheeks and the sweet look of perfect joy on your face. I can’t wait to see you tomorrow and give you a hundred kisses, not an over-exaggeration; your cheeks are like magnets to my lips. I feel so blessed by God to have lived even the life I have, and to have been blessed with you as a part of it.

I love you Cora.

                     I flew out of town this week for the first time since you were born. It used to be a common thing that I didn’t think much of, now however, it is a little harder to be away from home. I am in Boise Idaho- it is a really beautiful city set against the mountains and if your mother didn’t hate the cold so much I would be tempted to search for employment here!
                     You have been changing so much lately. You smile and make more noises, you seem to understand more of what is happening and you certainly make a lot more eye contact. I feel an almost forgotten longing in my heart when I said goodbye to you. It has been so long since I missed anyone so much, but kissing you goodbye at the airport was so tough on your dad, especially after we had been cuddling all morning long.
                      Often when I travel I take a little time that I wouldn’t have at home to wander off to some new area and relax and let my mind wander. Today I found a spot by the river that runs through Boise. I just sat and watched the current, the way the water moved over the rocks and the small pieces of ice that were drifting by. Other than staring at a campfire I don’t know of too many more things that are more relaxing.
                      When I slow down enough to let my thoughts catch up to me I realize that I am now a father- it may sound funny but sometimes the gravity of my new role escapes me and I lose focus on being a great man that you can look up to. I think back just 8 weeks ago to when you were born, to how I felt then and how I feel now. I think about your little face and sweet eyes and how good you smell. I laugh at the funny faces and noises you make and how someday all of this will seem so distant and clouded.
                     I am so happy for each moment with you. We have entered a new year, 2011. Standing at the dawn of a thing it is difficult to imagine what will come to pass before you see the next night. I think of you walking and talking and revealing your spirit more and more. I am excited, and a little sad to watch you grow up. Your mother and I have been blessed every year of our lives. None more so than last year when we welcomed you and now you will be our blessing for all of time. I love you Cora, I am thinking and dreaming and praying for you.
Goodnight sweetheart. Your Daddy loves you so much.

You were born on a Monday morning, November 8th 2010. I am not going to say something that sounds all too common and overdone, such as – the moment I saw you my world changed forever- but I am going to say that the last month of my life has been an entirely new path that has filled me with more joy and purpose than I have ever known.
You have been a part of this world for one month. I thought I may use this occasion to tell you a little about your birth, and how your father felt about it all. First thing to say is that much like your mother you were late, and for once your mother was not happy about someone being late! She drank castor oil, walked stairs at the mall, and even tried acupuncture! If there was a tea that could be drank or an exotic herb to rub into your skin she tried it. Sunday night, five days after her due date, right after I fell asleep she woke me up with “I heard a pop, I think my water just broke”. She labored most of the night at home, got to the hospital at 7:20 am and delivered you at 8:59am. She didn’t use any drugs, and she made it look easy. I am not sure I fully realized how tough your mom was before that day.
There is an energy that fills a labor room, this electric expectation that is flowing through everyone, or at least it was flowing through me. I was so anxious to finally meet you, to see your sweet face and hold you in my arms. I actually got to catch you! You had the cord wrapped around your neck three times, but as soon as it was loose you let out quite a scream. I cried as I stood over you while they cleaned you up, I think I just had to show on the outside what I couldn’t keep inside any longer, the immense love that like you, had been growing for nine months.
We didn’t have a name for you that first day. There were two names we had picked out but we hadn’t decided. In fact, I didn’t decide until late that first night. We had to have you under something called billi lights. You and mom are different blood types and I guess that means you are more prone to jaundice. Well, you didn’t like being under the lights, your eyes covered and not a stitch of clothing except your diaper. You kept waking up and flailing and I felt so bad, but I found if I held your feet that would calm you down, and so you spent your first night on earth with me holding your feet as you slept. That night I felt your name was Cora, I hope you like it.
People will say that fatherhood changes you. I cant say I am changed, I like the same music, activities, food, and most other things I liked before you were born. I would say I am more complete though, and that I am learning about a new kind of love. I think about you all the time, I kiss you all the time, and you are so darn cute I just want to hug you and hug you. One of my favorite things is when you sleep on my chest. I feel your little lungs rising and falling, and I hope you hear my heart beating steadily, I hope you think “this is my daddy and he loves me, this is his heart” and now, it is also yours.
I know you will not be so young forever. To look at you and be reminded that once I was that young baffles me. I feel so old when I look at you, as my parents must have felt when they looked at me. I enjoy each day for what it is, and because it seems like each day you change a little. Someday I will wake up and you will be gone and married and giving me grandkids to spoil, time runs together like that when you look back, unless you put down bookmarks in your memory of your favorite pages. Hopefully this journal will continue to be a place to store those bookmarks for both of us.
Tonight I kissed you and you smiled. You probably didn’t mean too, but it melted my heart. Each night I look at you a hundred times, I wrap my arm around you and breathe deep enough to be comforted by your sweet smell. I love you Cora, I am so honored to be your father.