Singapore

Your father traveled across the world this week, while you traveled across the country with your mother and brother back home to Phoenix. I am currently in Singapore, a small, prosperous city in Southeast Asia. I would say it reminds me of a tropical New York City.

Last night I ventured out from the Hilton and had a great dinner at a Tapas bar owned by a friendly and free pouring Austrian gentlemen. He had recently acquired some wines from his home country and luckily for me I was sitting next to some of his good friends and was engaged in about 7 rounds of tastings. I struck up a conversation with the strangers at the bar, a gentleman from the UK and his girlfriend who was from Singapore.  They invited me to a bar called Harrys- great live music, a very interesting scene to say the least and some conversation when you could manage over the volume coming from the speakers.

As I said the scene inside of Harrys was very interesting, many older white males, and many young Asian women (I was told many were from Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia). In a word they were working girls, working what they call the oldest profession, selling one’s body for sex.  Located across the street from the bar was a shopping mall of sorts. It is called the “four floors of whores” by locals. Of course my guides told me about it and said I must see it while I was here. I was happy to have their company as I would not have attempted it on my own.

That night I didn’t think much of the scene around me, I was mostly focused on having a good time, taking in the spectacle and relaxing after a stressful week of work. We went to two of the floors, and inside one of the bars, actually a country bar believe it or not. I never thought I would hear Toby Keith over the speakers in Singapore, I guess I can’t escape him no matter how far away I go!

I woke up far too early today and promptly went downstairs to rehydrate and get some breakfast, came back to the room and started considering the experience of the night before. In passing it seemed somewhat harmless, somewhat tempting, forbidden, exciting, all in good fun. However, the more I dwell on it the more it bothers me. Not only does it bother me that there is a part of me that was tempted by this, but that prostitution has always and will most likely always exist. Poor and desperate women doing what they can to survive, and males of low enough quality to pay/force upon/ or engage in the activity with them.

I shudder at the mere thought of you being one of those women. However, you are them. Not that your “profession” is shared with theirs, but that your spirit, your femininity, your vulnerability and strength. I didn’t look at them like I look at you; my initial instinct was not to protect them as I would you. I am sorry to say but I was a spectator, I smiled and moved along as though they were there for my entertainment. I still disappoint myself more often than I would like.

As with these women you are vulnerable. One of your key vulnerabilities is your desire to be loved by a man, and the trust you will place in them. There is nothing wrong with your desire for love, acceptance, and value from men, it is God given. The weakness is inverse to the weakness of men. Our weakness (one among many) lies in the sometimes narrow focus on only physical pleasure, regardless of cost to those we engage in it with. Women desire this love and acceptance, and men too often exploit it to fulfill their own desires. We say the right words, make you feel the way you want to feel, so that you will reciprocate with the physical affection that we had in mind all along.

As I said, there is nothing wrong in your desire, or that of a man’s. The difficulty is that the physical affection is exchanged before a true emotional connection is established, before the man has made any real commitment or bond of himself to the woman. When that occurs the man walks away physically satisfied, and the woman is left with a broken heart and feeling of absolute rejection and worthlessness. It is only when you are in a committed relationship, and so to say “he put a ring on it” that the exchange should take place. Imagine signing over the title to your car to someone because they spoke nicely to you, took you to dinner and promised that eventually they would pay you for it. When they drive away never to return you are left only with your regrets. In one scenario it is your wallet that is empty, in the other, your soul.

                As I said, women are strong, in many regards stronger than a man could ever be. The women I saw were not weak, though some may see them as such. They may take abuse and torment, but they are strong enough to endure and survive. Many of them have little choice in the matter, but they are strong enough to endure what I see as unendurable, and most likely they endure it for the betterment of someone they love. Women may lack the physical strength of men, but they have strength of character, love, patience, fortitude, wisdom, and faith. It is by the weakness of men that women are often made stronger, it is by our failures to live up to our charge that women often suffer.

                You are mine as much as I am yours. That means to the peril of my life, liberty and prosperity I will sacrifice for the betterment of your life. My bond and commitment to my family is unique in depth and significance, but as a man I am called to live my life to the betterment of all around me. To protect the innocent, provide for the poor, and show love to my neighbors as Christ did. If all men adhered to this calling those women would not be on those street corners, and a great many other evils would not exist. But we are fallen, I struggle, men struggle, no matter our title or place in this world we fall short of our God given calling.

                I would have you know what a man is, so that you give your heart to one that is worthy of that gift. Trouble is that I will be your measure of what a man is, and I still feel that there is much improvement to be made. I do not want you to endure what your mother did while I was learning what it meant to be a husband. Some pain in life is good, it is a cruel but effective teacher, but that does not mean I want to think about you enduring pain.

                You are three years old, each week you say at least 10 new things that make me smile. Last week while we were on a “magical adventure” to pick dandelions you were holding them in your hand, running around yelling “do your job wind!”. You were wearing a green dress and cowboy boots in a large grass field and I hope I never forget how beautiful you looked. Even at three you make me proud every day, you are sweet, kind to others, so very smart, and you love and trust me completely. I will endeavor to see all women in the same light I see you and your mother, and to value them as such. I will continue to strive to be a man worthy of your mother’s love, so that when your heart is ready, you will know how to see past the disingenuous boys of this world and recognize the man who will dedicate the rest of his life to protecting, caring for, and enriching yours.

                I can’t wait to get home and see you- I have two more countries and 12 more days.   

Dinner Wars

                I think part of being a good parent is admitting when you are not, and learning from it. Let me tell you, lately, you have been making me work very hard at being a better parent. Not only are you my beautiful little girl, you are also very smart; in the same way a velocaraptor is smart while trying to figure out how to eat you (reference to movie Jurassic Park, which will most likely look like it was hand sketched by 3 year olds by the time you are an adult).

                Almost every dinner is a battle, unless you are eating the following: hot dogs, pizza, mac and cheese, or grilled cheese. Dinner typically goes like this, you push your food around and generally play with it, around the time I am finishing mine I begin to encourage you to eat yours. You ever so politely decline my invitation, I more strongly request that you try your food, to which you reply “how many bites”? Your mother and I had devised a bite limit strategy to get you to eat, the goal being if you knew what you had to accomplish it would be less daunting than endless food.

                The next stop on our nightly parade of misery is the negotiation. You begin to ask about what kind of “special” you will get in return for your efforts. This is also something you learned from another failed strategy of mine in the Great Dinner Wars. I would place a reward in front of you- so you could see the light at the end of the food tunnel. In the end it proved more distracting than encouraging. You typically start throwing out numbers of bites, your math is not so keen at this point and so often you will gladly up the ante, I will request 5 bites, and you will say, “how about 8” ok deal!

                We have tried starving you as well, but like a grizzly bear preparing for the winter your fasting skills are well honed. You went a full 36 hours without eating, and without many of your creature comforts including: tv, ipad, your fuzzy blanket, your nig nights, and freedom to leave your room. In the end you brought your mother to tears with your refusal and we spanked you until you ate. Upon eating the soup which you had refused for 36 hours you said “oh that’s tasty” as though nothing had happened and as though you had not just received 3 spankings to force you into taking a bite.

                As a parent you have to decide who will dictate the family life. It can either be your children, or it can be you. As the more senior of the parties involved we decided it best we take the reins. The decision to not let you behave, eat, speak, and dress as you please is a tough one. It would be far simpler to just say “ok, whatever you want when you want it”. No more dealing with tears, temper tantrums, or lost youth (my youth). However, how well can that possibly prepare you for the world you will someday enter? This world says no more often than yes, and it’s often the highway and not your way. Learning that you must live in the world and that the world will not bend to you is crucial, and surprisingly something many miss (you will meet more than you can imagine). 

                What am I learning through this you may ask? Well, patience for one, and to say I am sorry. It has been nagging at me all day that last night I lost my temper with you. You were kind of hysterical and instead of being patient and loving I used a mean voice and acted in a way I would have been embarrassed to if a stranger saw me. There are plenty of times when as a parent you have to be firm and forceful and even follow up with physical punishment (spankings). More often than not though you just need me to hear you, hug you, let you know that I love you no matter what and wait with you until you calm down.

                Yesterday we were playing in the park, I was “prince daddy” and you were “princess Cora”. We ran all around being chased by a dragon, I would save you at every turn. Later we had an adventure though the woods and you kept repeating to me what I say to you every night “don’t worry, don’t be scared, there is no such thing as monsters”. Finally we went for a bike ride, right now I walk beside you as you learn and peddle away. When you say “I am going too fast” I will reach down and slow your bike. You look up and me and say “you’re the best daddy ever, you save me every time”. You save me every time. I would have those words ring true throughout your life, I would give anything to make it so, but it wont happen. There will be hurt and grief, things beyond my control. One thing I can control is myself, and I don’t ever want to be the reason you hurt.

                Your mother began the work I think you and your siblings will finish, making me a better man. Each step in life has so many challenges, so many things to learn if you are willing. I love you so much, and I feel so bad when I am less of a father than you need me to be. I am learning, and paying attention though, and I will keep working. I love how much you love to dance, and desire my time and attention. I love that you make up songs to sing like me, and that you hear and eventually repeat nearly everything I say as though it was your own though. I don’t love it at 11:30, 12:30 and then 1:30 when you come and wake me up because you are scared of monsters. But I love it at 5:30 when I finally let you cuddle with me, mom and Deacon in bed. I love how great of a big sister you are, and how God has blessed me with the perfect daughter.

Following your heart

                I have probably flown into and out of San Diego CA 30 times over the last 4 years. Nearly every time I would look out the window as we were getting near and see the desert floor rise up to become red and dusty cliffs, and atop those cliffs there was a sprawling forest, mountain meadows dotted with lakes. I longed to stand in one of those meadows, and breathe in the last gasps of the cool air before it descended, unencumbered of its moisture to meet the ceaseless desert beyond.

                I am happy to report that on this business trip I did just that, I journeyed where my heart was longing to go. I mapped my route and set off, me and my rental car, and a can of redbull which I sometimes indulge in on roadtrips. I had a rather sporty car this trip, so the curves of the mountain road made the journey all the more enjoyable.

                As I neared the top and the shrubs turned to giant towering trees I realized what many explorers these days realize, others had come before me. The forest was dotted with cabins, and some of the meadows were fenced for cattle, sometimes l long desperately to be the first in a truly wild place. Nonetheless the area met my expectations, the road was the Sunset Highway, it began near Pine Valley and I am happy that I do not yet know where it ends. Perhaps someday we will find out together as a family.

                Even though the area was settled there was seclusion to be found, quiet places uninterrupted by the thoughts and footsteps of others. I found such a place where the wind must have been blowing at 30 miles per hour. I stood on the edge of those cliffs I had seen so many times from the sky. I tasted the last drops of the cool ocean air before they plummeted down to the desolation below. I sat and heard nothing but the wind, with no troubles plaguing my mind, and no worry in my bones.

                I often wonder if you will love wild places as I do, if such love can be instilled by a father to his children. My father brought me to the outdoors more times than could be counted. He brimmed with knowledge of plants, animals, native people, and a lot of other things you will most likely hear about someday whether you want to or not. Did his love create mine? Or did he simply introduce me to something I longed for all along and had yet to encounter?

                I will certainly be making frequent introductions. Someday you will be old enough to protest and find other pursuits to fill your time, but I hope you will find a passion for the wild as I have. I never feel as at peace as I do in those places. I never feel as bonded to others as I do when I have shared an adventure with them. There is simply a poetry to beautiful to wordsmith that stirs in me when I am free of the cities and the constant distractions of life.

                I can not wait to share it with you someday. As a father I long to share all that I find that is good in this life with you. Nothing could bring me more joy than to share that which I value, with that which I treasure. I love you always and forever, and I hope you take the time to seek out the desires of your heart.

Our growing family

Your brother is almost here. Really he should be here any day now, and with him a new stage of life for you, sisterhood. I wish I knew more of what that will be like for you, your mom has a brother, Uncle Buddy, but I never had a sister. It will be an adjustment considering you are the sole focus of our love and attention at home, and now that attention will be divided. I think you will do well though, you seem very interested in having a baby brother to look after.

                Mom is huge from the side, but if you were walking right behind her you wouldn’t know there was a baby in there! She was the same way when you were in there. From behind, oh look at that skinny lady, then a turn to the side and BAM! Wow look at that baby. We talk about baby brother so often you currently think you too are carrying a small child in your belly. You will lift up your shirt and say “look my baby is moving” or “oh he’s kicking”. When I wrestle with you, you will stop and tell me “hey don’t hurt baby brother, he’s in my tummy”, something you say due to the fact we make you be gentle with moms tummy.

                We are so excited to have our family grow; you are such a blessing and can’t wait to have another little life running around the house melting our hearts. Watching you learn and change every week is captivating to me, it seems so strange that once you were not a part of my life, but now you are a central part of it.

                You are just so silly and sweet, you will be embarrassed about this someday but every time we change your clothes and you are naked you start singing “wiggle your hine” and then shaking you little booty from side to side. You love to make silly voices, tickle, bite the crap out of my arm and tell me I taste good, and run around the house “faster than a cobra snake, speeding bullet, fastest girl in the west”, and you love running from scary monsters- usually me.

                There is almost nothing that comes out of my mouth that will not eventually be repeated by you. When I tell you I am hurt you take care of me, telling me to be brave, that you are with me, that its ok and won’t hurt for long- all things I tell you. You make up silly songs like I do, and sometimes try to whistle like I do. In every small and large way you remind me that you are learning from me, and I am shaping the woman you will become.

                Baby brother may be almost here, any moment really as I type this, but there will always be something special and personal between just you and me. You will always be my sweet girl, even if someday you are a tattoo artist, drummer in a metal band, weightlifting, cage fighting adult. What you are now you will always be, and what you become I will always love, because you are mine, I am yours, and we are bound by something that can never be broken.

eulogy

I attended a funeral recently for your aunt’s husband. His name was Dan and he lived quite a full life. He had been a star high school quarterback, polo champion, expert horse judge, and seems to have single handedly made soccer in Arizona into a well-run, organized, and properly officiated sport. In addition he found success in his main career as a stockbroker. 

                I was not aware of all of these accomplishments, but his son who gave the eulogy made sure to highlight them all. It was a fine life, a fine eulogy; however, it left me wanting more. I had no insight into how this son knew his father, what he had learned or how one life had shaped the other. I doubt anyone can attend a funeral without dwelling, even if just for a moment, on their own mortality.

                So of course I began to wonder what you would say, what your brother to be would say, what mom would remember of me. Hopefully there is plenty of time to continue shaping that story! I guess my hope is this, that it would not be a list of accomplishments of mine that you list, but of yours and your brothers. 

                The longer I am a father the more certain I am that my role is to enrich and guide your life, the love and satisfaction I receive from my role is just a bonus. I do not want to be elevated by you for what I accomplish, but to allow you, through my life and leadership, to accomplish the desires of your heart, and to end up as a well rounded, well centered young woman. I do not know how successful I will be, and as you are my first child you have fallen into the “trial run” spot. 

                None of us outlives eternity; the life we build even if we live for 200 years is brief in comparison to what has come before and what will be after we are gone. None of the people you read about in the history books rest any better due to their names being written on those pages, or etched in stone on some monument. There is an unbending finality to time on this earth. Life is what goes on, life in your children, and life in your spirit. You don’t have to be a star athlete, rich, beautiful or possess any special gift to enrich life, be it your own or a strangers. 

                Someday my eulogy will come. Of this I am certain. If soon, I know I have lived longer than plenty, if long from now, I will have had the joy of watching you grow. By these pages you will know me, my heart and my unbound love for you. My wisdom may be found wanting, my knowledge fall short of the mark, and my strength fail with age, but my love for you will be full, and perfect, and pure. There is no measure of life I would not give for you, no wrong I could not forgive, no space between your heart and mine. You are of me, my very best, you carry my spirit and the God who watches over me is the same that watches over you. Simply, I love you, as truly as those words could ever be spoken or written.

moving to GA

Well we have made the great migration to the East. Heading the opposite direction of the settlers just feels wrong to me, but I guess the “west” doesn’t really exist anymore as they knew it. We are settling into the new home in Newnan GA. So far you seem happy, particularly with the fact that this home has a staircase. It did break my heart when the first week we were here you kept telling me “I am going to have a party, all my friends are coming over to see me” when I knew that those friends were 1800 miles away in Phoenix. You have mentioned Anabella quite a few times, you and she are such cute friends, always holding hands, hugging and playing so well together. I really hope we can keep all those relationships as intact as possible until we move back home.


Our new home is beautiful, about 1000 square feet larger, your mother has a massive kitchen and the layout and design perfectly fits our taste. Here in Georgia pine trees are everywhere, lots of colorful birds and out away from the city like we are the air is clean and crisp. There are certainly worse places we could have ended up. I am looking forward to exploring the area and meeting new friends. You love the new church we have found, when we drop you off to bible study you wander right in with no complaints. I think at this point you are just happy to be out of the house and see some other kids.

I had to leave for the first time since we moved this week, I am actually typing this on the flight home from Mexico. Being there reminded me somewhat of being in Arizona, just a lot more brown skinned folks running around. The people I met there were great, I love the way they value relationships and seem to take a deep interest in others and have very strong families. The country itself is beautiful and full of rich history. I visited a church in Zacatecas that was built in the 1500’s with beautiful stone carvings and masonry. Currently, in the year 2013, the country struggles with battling very violent crime and rampant corruption in the government. The crime mostly stems from the drug trade- unfortunately partially Americas fault seeing as how we are the ones buying most of the drugs and therefore supplying most of the money. It’s just unfortunate seeing people live in fear of going out at night, police trucks filled with masked men armed to the teeth with machine guns patrolling the street; they are masked so the Cartels won’t kill their family if they find out their identity. I hope someday these troubles will be behind it, in my opinion the coming decades should see a new and better Mexico.

One month has gone by. Time seems to move every bit as quickly as it did back home. My stress in work has increased slightly, which is good because it means I am being challenged. Comfort in business isn’t necessarily a good thing. I am adapting to life in an office after being at home and on the road for the last 5 years. I normally get up at 5am, work out, get to the office around 7, and leave at 4:30 so I can come home and spend time with you and mom. I love coming home to my girls at the end of the day.

It is so strange to have deviated from everything that was once normal. I still don’t think it has entirely sank in. I cant explain entirely the feeling that nags at me. It keeps me aware that this is foreign, unknown, somewhat uncomfortable. This is a grand experiment in every sense. Not only being away from family and friends, but a new job for me, and a new role for your mother. Everything changed for each one of us, and I can only help but wonder what our reflections will be of this time years from now when we look back.

We ordered some new fancy leather couches for the new home. They have yet to arrive so we just put a small loveseat downstairs in the living room. Most nights the three of us end up sitting on the couch together, you cuddled up in between us. My favorite thing is when you snuggle up and burrow your head into my shoulder and say “I love my family”. When you say that I know we could be in a mud shack with no electricity or a mansion on a hill and the same things in our lives would still matter. For the first time we are more reliant on each other than anything else, which means we have a choice to grow closer, or grow colder. I am happy with the direction so far.

I love you always and forever sweet girl.

Last Friday a man walked into a classroom and killed 20 children and 6 adults. When I heard the news my heart was stricken in a way that two years ago it would have never been. I cant imagine not being able to hold you, see you, kiss you, and just be with you ever again. It is absolutely without question my greatest fear. I cannot begin to fathom what those families are going through, and I pray that I never know that depth of sorrow.

As people do, we are searching for a reason why. There could be no answer, none that would lend any measure of comfort to the grief visited upon every decent human being who learned of the tragedy. First, we attempt to explain, then prevent a similar tragedy, lastly congratulate ourselves on the accomplishment. There will never be a cure or countermeasure for those who wish with every faculty or from complete insanity, on visiting pain to the innocent and unsuspecting. There is certainly evil in this world and it will never be fully contained and caged, while allowing us to live our carefree lives free of fear.

I feel far too old to die young these days, and I am only 28. How can one not feel that they have lived a full life when told of 5 and 6 year olds who died scared and long before their time? How can I be afraid of the very same end, though through different means, that they met? It makes me evaluate the important things in life, the things that shape my life and the peace, joy, and purpose I find in it.

I came to the conclusion last night that the greatest burden I bear is that of want. Not want for food, clothing, shelter or any other thing necessary for life, but of the superfluous. I dream of a higher paying job, with more power, to buy a bigger house, and shower those I know with gifts and more than likely myself with some luxury car I don’t need and many other things that provide a momentary high quickly dissipated by a void of meaninglessness. It is my goal to give even more generously in 2013 outside of our normal tithing, and to go without buying myself anything not absolutely necessary. When I am content with what I have, in reality what I have been given, I am absolutely more content in every facet of my life.

I think about one thing only when I rest at night, am I a good enough man, father, husband; and how can I be better. Cora someday when you are old I hope you can read this and realize the struggle that one confronts when faced with the certainty that you have but one life to live on earth. My struggle is how to live it to the fullest, not by the measure of the world, but by the measure of God and those dearest to me.

A quick note, yesterday you were sitting on the couch next to me and I did a great big stretch where I lifted my arms above my head. You asked “what are you doing daddy”, to which I replied “just stretching”, a moment later you did the exact same thing and said “ohhh, im streaching”. You are absolutely the most precious thing in my life, and I am so thankful that God gave me your mother who stuck it out with me, until we made you. I will never be able to fully convey the depth and breadth and entirety of my love for you. My hope is that you know your father and failing that, that you know but one thing. I love you, completely, without condition, without constraint. I will always love you, and nothing can ever separate you from that love.