France

Your mother and I recently took a vacation, our last hurrah before your sister Quinn gets here, and also to celebrate mom’s 30^th birthday. We traveled to France for 10 days. We spent the first 4 nights in Paris, touring the sights, sounds, tastes of the city. We moved onto Versailles for one night in the Waldorf Astoria…. And I spend a months worth of grocery bills on a single meal! Lastly our favorite 3 nights we spent in the Loire Valley touring the countryside and Chateau’s of the region. One of my great joys in life is traveling with your mother, going on adventures and getting away from the harried pace of daily life.

During our stay in Paris we made a day trip out to the beaches of Normandy, where on June 6^th 1944 the Allied forces landed to begin the liberation of Europe from Nazi Germany. I almost decided not to make the trip, it was quite a drive from Paris and I didn’t know if we would have the time. I am so glad we made the journey though. We visited the battlefields and saw where men battled and lost their lives, we saw what havoc mankind is capable of, and what heroism in the face of death they are capable of.

By far the most moving moments were the visiting of the graveyards. The American cemetery sits above the ocean, all of the plants are from America, and all the graves face west, towards the home those men would never return to. The knowledge that these men died for their convictions, to set strangers free and prevent further human suffering overwhelmed me. I found myself welling up with emotion over men I did not know, but men I nevertheless owed a debit to. One of the inscriptions that moved me was “These endured all and gave all that justice among nations might prevail and that mankind might enjoy freedom and inherit peace.”  

One other note on something I did not expect. During our visit to Normandy we were taken to the German cemetery. I had not anticipated, nor really did I have any desire to see it however, I came away moved nonetheless. One particularly moving inscription that I found put the cemetery and the men who were interred there into perspective. “Until 1947, this was an American cemetery. The remains were exhumed and shipped to the United States. It has been German since 1948, and contains over 21,000 graves. With its melancholy rigor, it is a graveyard for soldiers not all of whom had chosen either the cause or the fight. They too have found rest in our soil of France.”

Wars end, the fire of hatred can grow to an inferno, but eventually every inferno runs out of things to consume. I believe that was the case with the German cemetery and world war II. The hard-won piece that followed was one in which nearly every person on the earth had been touched by the war, and they were weary from the toll it exacted from their souls. There was understanding by soldiers that the men they faced were, for the most part, men like them, under orders as they were, fighting for their country. Graveyards are moving places, after the endless injustices and tragedies of war forgiveness is an incredible thing, and really the only thing that can bring true peace.

There were many more moments from our trip I will remember forever. Touring beautiful gardens and castles, eating exquisite meals and watching the sunset over the Loire river with your mother. One picture which I will always remember is standing in a field of yellow flowers with your mother. It stretched to the horizon so there was only yellow meeting the blue of the sky, the air was cool but not cold, and a breeze was moving softly enough the make it feel as though there were waves and the flowers were the ocean. When some moments of difficulty find me I will go back to that place, I will see your mother standing there with another of our children in her. I will feel that cool air and I will remember how vivid the colors were in that moment and nothing else will matter.

             I love you both so much, I look forward to having you with us for some of our adventures, and to the day you grow to be old enough to embark on your own. 

Lineage

I believe that someday you will find, as I have, that looking ahead to the events of life makes time seem abundant and elastic. However, looking behind at the course of your life will render time brief and all to quickly dissipated. On January 10^th your Great Grandmother Anne Harding slipped from her earthly life to her eternal one, she went to join her husband Russell, who passed away before either of you were born. I felt grief as now this world is without her, but I felt joy as well, because I was able to say goodbye, because she had lived a long and blessed life, and mostly because I know without doubt she is with my Grandfather, and our Lord.

Your Great Grandmother was born in Michigan, to parents from Germany and Austria. I was told her mother married around 15 years of age, her father worked the land as a farmer. She spoke fondly of parts of her childhood, many times of a German Shepheard that was her constant companion. She met her husband on a train, I don’t know where she was going but he was on his way to the Pacific theater to take part in World War II. I know he asked to sit next to her, to which she replied “no”, not deterred he asked to write her while he was away, and he did, for 3 years. When he returned they were married, and they never separated again.

I found during the funeral that Anne fell in love with the west during a visit here, and quickly convinced my Grandfather to re-locate the family. I am not sure that he ever said no to her. I also learned that she was responsible for your Grandfathers side of the family coming to know the Lord, and eventually my father leading me to the Lord. I was struck by the way her decisions had shaped my life in ways I only now am realizing the weight of.

So often in the age in which I live the focus is on the present, the immediacy of our needs and satiation of our desires. We give little thought to the notion that we are leading not only our lives, but the generations that will follow down the roads we are choosing. If I plan and act poorly you and your children’s children may suffer for it. If I act wisely and prudently generations may flourish long after I am gone. Men and women work to leave legacies in stone and steel, and yet the greatest one we will have will not be lifeless and stationary, but living breathing testaments to our time on earth.

In the final week of my Grandmas life I sat by her bedside. She was frail, but still understood what was going on. She told me she was tired, and she was ready to go to heaven. I recalled memories of my childhood with her, recalling all the great days we had spent, and how she had shaped my life. I reassured her of my love, of how proud I was of her, and how great of a grandmother she had been to me. She was proud of me as well, of my life and of the family I have. I am so happy she got to meet and love both of you. I asked her if she had slept well, and had any good dreams. She told me she had dreamt she was with her husband Russell, who died 12 years before, and that she did not want to wake up from that dream. I believe on the night she left us he was there to bring her home.

I will love each of you my entire life, my love for you requires not effort, it flows from me and through me. Not all love is like that, my love for your mother requires work, requires me to let go of my selfish desires, to lay my life down for her- her love for me most assuredly requires a great deal more.  One thing my Grandparents taught me, and that always made me proud of them, was that two people can love one another their entire lives. They can cease to exist singularly; I cannot think of one of them without the other. I hope someday you will see your mother and I in that light, that I will leave that example for you to follow if nothing else. Life is only worth living because of love, Gods Love, and your love for others. Without Love life has no meaning, no purpose, no redemption.

I see my Grandmother still. I feel her comfort climbing into a warm cabin bed early in the morning to cuddle, I taste the meals she worked so hard on for others to enjoy, I hear her voice longing to know of my life and encouraging me, I see her and my Grandfather embracing and calling to each other. Your lineage is up to you, dependent on the choices you make and the responsibilities you decide to shoulder or shirk. You have the strength of generations behind you, and in your blood flowing through you. Remember you do not walk alone, and that the roads you choose you will be choosing for others you may never live to know.

I love you both so much. I have been traveling for work all week long, and cant wait to be home!

Borderless Life

                Your father has traveled halfway across the globe this week to the city of Hong Kong. Hong Kong is a major city, and quite diverse in certain areas. However, in other areas someone who looks like me stands out quite a bit. There is something slightly unsettling to feeling like a stranger in a strange land.

                Most people seek out to surround themselves with others who look, speak, dress, and behave like they do.  You will find that there is a great deal of comfort in familiar places you return to time and time again, as they say, there is no place like home.

                Currently in the world there are events transpiring that have displaced millions of people in the Middle East. There is a Muslim group, ISIS, in Syria and Iraq that has for the past two years been slaughtering those who do not believe as they do, other Muslims included, and committing all kinds of horrendous crimes and acts of brutality. Their spread has gone mostly unchecked by western nations who are weary of foreign wars, where there are few distinct allies to be found. We have been of little assistance to the people being persecuted on the ground.

                Most of the refugees have been fleeing to Europe. Germany, Italy, Spain, Greece, Hungary, and many other countries have become destinations. Hundreds of thousands of people so desperate to live, to save their loved ones, they pack up what they can of their lives and make a treacherous journey with no certain future awaiting them. I cannot imagine the courage, and desperation that takes. I hope I never feel the true sting of that in my life and you in yours. A few weeks ago there was a picture of a lifeless boy, lying facedown in the surf. He was four years old and drowned like so many others when the boat he and his family were on capsized in the crossing. His family shared pictures of him, before, full of life. I like so many others saw you both in his pictures. His sweet spirit and that innocence of new life, the type of innocence as a father I seek to protect and prolong, to delay the realities of this world for one precious length of time.

                At the end of a movie called “The Green Mile” the main character says something that has always stuck with me “I'm tired, boss. Tired of bein' on the road, lonely as a sparrow in the rain. Tired of not ever having me a buddy to be with, or tell me where we's coming from or going to, or why. Mostly I'm tired of people being ugly to each other. I'm tired of all the pain I feel and hear in the world everyday. There's too much of it.”

                The world sees terror, hatred, acts of violence and barbarity so often it has become numb. Children murdered in their schools, buildings blown up by terrorists, people persecuted and mutilated because of what god they choose to worship, or sometimes just how they choose to worship the same god. Our indignity lasts fleeting moments, perhaps long enough for a tweet or post on Facebook, and then we move along with our lives. I am as guilty as any. We see it all and we revert into ourselves, we push away the unfamiliar and we blame those that belong to it, we generalize and stigmatize to help ourselves reason with what goes on.

                I am writing this week to extol you not to fear the world and the people in it. America is a great country because of our Constitution, because the men who wrote it and the women who influenced and guided their thoughts knew the value of freedom and humanity. They understood that no one can be placed above because of his birthright, origin, religion, or creed- eventually color was added to that understanding. I have been many places in the world and though our culture influences us, it is ultimately our humanity that defines us.

                Our current political discourse also is hot on the topic of immigration. Sometimes I feel that most people haven’t read about the history of their own country when I see the way they rail against immigrants.  Native Americans were certainly the first people here; most anthropologists think they came across a land bridge from Asia, so therefore they are immigrants.  Then came the Europeans, the Spanish to our current southern borders, the French to Canada and Louisiana and the English to the Eastern seaboard.  None “belonged here” more than the others, none were entitled to anything, they fought over it, committed crimes over it, bargained over it, and a few hundred years later we have America.  When I say none belong here it is only due to my belief that all belong here, all who value freedom and humanity that is.

                I was born in the west, and I have traveled the globe. My birthright is the vast expanses and horizons of the west, the forests and deserts that, though charted, still are wild. I have seen the masses of humanity, and yet also the desolation of places uninhabited. Don’t let people say there is no more space, that the last group in is to blame for the current state of affairs. This world is vast, bigger than any map or photo could ever convey.

                In Arizona and other border states we currently blame immigration from our southern neighbors for much of what ails us. I think those casting blame should see that the Spanish pre date the Anglo American settlers by a few hundred years. I also think we should be ashamed that people who desire freedom and to see their families prosper are not welcomed into a country that was built by similar people over our entire history. We can be so blind in viewing the world through a narrow lens. We can do ourselves such a disservice by not empathizing with strangers.

                I think of those immigrants in the Middle East and in Mexico, Central and South America. I think of the fathers and mothers sick with worry that harm will come to their children, that they will fail in their calling to see their families prosper. I think of how painful the unfamiliar journey to a country that seems so unwelcoming must be, when deep down they desperately desire the acceptance any of us would. I think of them and I pity them, and I pity those who are against them. A country has never failed because of immigration, they have only failed when they did not allow those who came to assimilate and become a part of them, treated with respect and dignity, and given the same freedoms and rights as those who came before them. The very motto of our country is “E Pluribus Unum”, out of many, One.

                Do not let fear dictate your courage. What is right and good remains so even though sometimes it is not rewarded. Do not let prejudice seep into your heart, do not let it blind you as it sometimes blinds me. Guard against the pride of your current circumstances bias the way you see others as you move through life. Realize that as a Christian God calls you to love even your enemies, so if we should love even our enemies how difficult should it to love strangers in need?              

Cora, you have been such a great big sister to your brother lately. You play with him and watch out for him all the time. Sometimes he hits you and acts out but you never seem to hit him back. He was sick last week and you were just so sweet, keeping him warm and cuddling him. I love it when I hear him say your name, calling to you and searching to find you. I love seeing my two blonde babies love each other.  You make me proud every day, I love you always.

10 Year Anniversary

               One of my hopes for each of you is that you live a life that stretches you. That sentence may be a bit confusing so I will try and explain. I don’t like heights, never have. Being way up in the air always makes me uncomfortable. I was never a climber of trees as a kid, in Boy Scouts I once repelled off of a tower and upon reaching the ground vowed to never again test my luck (or the ropes strength) for that matter. However, as my life progressed I didn’t want to let my fears hold me back from experience, adventure, and a good bit of adrenaline.

                Perhaps that is how I found myself atop a large mountain in Ager Spain, with a Spaniard who spoke little English strapped to my back, and both of us strapped to a large fabric sail.  As I prepared to run off the mountain my thoughts were, I hope I survive, and this is going to be a crazy ride. It was, and I certainly did not 100% enjoy being suspended 3,000 feet above the valley below, but it was beautiful, more so then it could have ever been if my feet were planted on terra firma. Just a side note, your mother is not afraid of heights, she jumped out of a plane once, I will never do that, she also followed me off the mountain, with a Spaniard of her own.

                Stretching yourself is difficult, uncomfortable, unfamiliar, and stressful work. Complacency is easy; to sit at home, visiting familiar friends and familiar haunts, but this world is vast. My parents are not world travelers, your grandpa Ken loves the outdoors, but hates flying and so his travels were always within about 8 hours drive from Phoenix. Nothing is wrong with that, but the world is so much bigger.

                I have always had wanderlust, a desire to see new places, people and find new experiences. Thankfully I have found a career that not only provides the monetary means, but more often than not requires that I travel. Every trip has shown me something, imparted on me some lesson, and provided me with at least one memory that I will carry for the rest of my life. I don’t mean just the trips abroad, I still remember pulling over in Wyoming to sit silently and admire the plains with meandering rivers and white mountains in the distance. I remember visiting a small and dying lumber town in northern California where I had one of the best breakfasts I can remember before driving past trees that had been growing for hundreds of years, bearing witness to the slow progress of time. If I had time in my schedule I would often abandon the interstate and find a smaller road, a slower road, and when struck by some beauty pull over and let it take hold of me.

                For every reason to step outside your door there will be 10 to stay, for every adventure there will be a risk, hiding ever present behind the reward. Some people choose to substitute reason for fear, and fail to recognize that simply living a long life is not the same as living a full life. I often joke that I have lived long enough, I say it jokingly but I mean it wholeheartedly. That certainly does not mean that I seek death or take extreme risks, but it does mean that I have perspective.

                Your mother has seen firsthand, and through her I have seen secondhand the chaos and injustice of life. Young children succumb to cancer or illness, sometimes violence that ends their lives before they have really begun to live. I often think of those children and feel such gratitude for the life I have. I have come to the conclusion that no matter what you accomplish in this life it does not make death easier. I just completed my first trip to Europe for two weeks with your mother for our 10 year anniversary. It was a spectacular trip and we saw Italy, France and Spain. However, if upon my deathbed I would not think, “thank God I went to Europe”, for what would it matter in eternity, what solace would it really provide?

                I don’t say all of that to counter my desire to have each of you live lives where you step outside your comfort zones, I say it to temper the common belief that life is fulfilling because of what you fill it with. My life is fulfilling because of the love that is in it. Love of God, of your mother, of each of you, my family, and for strangers (sometimes, some strangers are hard to love!). Love that God demonstrated, love that your mother illuminated, and love that each of you brought to its full conclusion. If I had never been a father I don’t think I could have fully grasped God the Fathers love for me. If I hadn’t felt the selfless love I feel for each of you I could not have comprehended Gods love for me.

                This world is more beautiful because you are in it. The lands I visit are more vivid because of my love for you. My travels, my life, my adventures would be meaningless without knowing God, and having the love I do for and from my family. I pray that someday you see the world; I pray that eventually someone you choose to share your life with is by your side. I pray that you find your comfort zone and take a step or two beyond it. I pray that sometimes that step is an adventure, or an act of kindness to a stranger, or even an enemy, I pray you take it in faith, full of love, and knowing no matter where you go, or what you do, that I will always love and be there for you.    

Up in the air

              It has been a very long time since I have written. The only explanation I have to offer is that I have felt a sense of shame that made me reluctant to do so. I wrote to you about our move, about how much stress it placed in my life and my sense of uncertainty about the path ahead. In December that uncertainty became regret, and for a time I was mired in it. What I had hoped for failed to come to fruition and my path ahead felt like a surrender instead of a struggle. Though I do not think in reality I failed to do what I had planned, I felt like a failure, and moreover I felt I had endangered my family through my decisions- and that was difficult to bear.

                It took me longer than it should have do discover the small business I joined was in no shape to take me on and provide a salary that would support our family. I don’t feel mislead by my friend, I just feel he did not fully realize the financial situation of his company as his experience in this area was very limited. I could have stayed and tried harder to make the effort work, but I found my heart was not in it, and that the risk to our future was too great. Furthermore, the longer I stayed the harder it would have ultimately been on my friend if the business was a failure, and I certainly did not want to be misleading with where my mind was at.

                In the end we parted ways as well as could be expected, and remain friends. I feel there is a lesson in that for both of you, namely that if you prioritize your family, but remain respectful and conscientious of your business partners that not all failures need to end in bitter feelings and lost relationships. I feel I looked after our family while at the same time looking after the long term interests of the House’s and in that I am very satisfied, though I do wish I would have been the answer they were looking for to turn their business around.

                I am finally writing because I no longer feel defeated, I have what amounts to a dream position and I have never been more excited about a job in all my life. Your father is now a Global Sales Manager with Honeywell’s Aerospace Division. Growing up in Phoenix I always dreamed about working for this company. Not only is the work rewarding and interesting but I felt a sort of family tie to it as well. The machine shop your grandfather and great grandfather ran did their work primarily for Honeywell. When I went for my interview I actually saw some of the products they had made years ago sitting in a display area. Walking in for my first day of work I felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment and it filled me with a great deal of pride and gratitude that God had opened the doors he did.

                The moto “all’s well that ends well”, has some truth to it but it beguiles the fact that things that end well can start terribly, and the last 6 months have been mostly terrible for me. I underestimated how much identity and worth I found in my work. Reflecting back I guess it is because I have found success and upward momentum that feeling that fall all the way to the rock bottom hurt all the more. In my mind I kept being haunted by the fact that it was through my decisions I had found myself in this circumstance, and knowing it would have hurt far less if the decisions would not have been my own. The fact that life is now back on track only serves to re-enforce my determination to work harder and smarter to ensure our families prosperity. I feel like I have something to prove, not only to myself, but to others as well. I don’t know why I feel that need, and it somewhat bothers me that I do, I think it is left from when I was between jobs, and I felt a sense of shame during that time.

                I am only at the beginning of this new journey, and so this writing is still filled with uncertainty, but I wanted to be genuine with you both before these feelings passed completely. Failure is a bitter pill, but sooner or later you swallow it, sometimes you get a few doses. This makes at least two times in my life I have failed at something I set out to do. My reaction in each circumstance was to throw myself forward with all possible force and prove my worth, and each time I was successful thanks to Gods provision and faithfulness. There is another path that some follow, and I am seeing more and more how it separates the people in this world from one another.  

                When failure finds some they simply give up. They wallow in the grief, they lash out at others and fail to take responsibility for their own lives, they wish for what was and lose focus on what could be if only they took the initiative to make their lives their own. I have never felt entitled to anything, I have always known I had to earn my keep and prove my worth, it drives me, it encourages me, it helps me to stay determined and press forward. Success has more to do with your attitude about life than with the gifts you were given to go through it. People who cannot see past themselves are destined to never rise high in this world.

                I try to always write to you in order that you know me, and so that you can learn from me. In this case I hope you learn perseverance and persistence, that you cannot always expect to be dealt a fair hand and you will have to steel yourself for the challenges that will certainly come in life. I know one tremendous gift you will be armed with is our family, the love, support, and acceptance. I want so much to make each of you proud of me, I want you to admire your father. I love you both so much, and I am so thankful that God blessed me with both of you, you make me stronger, more determined, you keep me focused on what is important, and you have allowed me to better know myself. You are already each a perfect gift, and for each of you I have unending love.  

Going Home

                I have been meaning to write you for so many weeks. It’s been months since I have written and so much has changed. We are going to move back to Phoenix this September. I guess that is the biggest change of all.

                I am sure you will learn this about your father, but I will just go ahead and say it. I am nostalgic. I was about Phoenix when we left, and I will be about Atlanta when we leave. No matter what the event in life I have always dwelled on the moments before they ended and taken the time to consider how they changed my life.

                We moved to GA in large part so that your father could discover something about himself. I needed to know how much I was willing to do to develop my career in the corporate world. Within a large company the quickest way to ascend to better and better jobs is to be geographically flexible, and willing to move every 2-3 years as roles open up that help you develop your professional skills. I was able to be promoted far enough in Phoenix to see the possibility that someday I could have a very important job that rewarded me personally and provided very well for our family. I had the opportunity and I decided to take the leap, and your mother was brave enough to leap with me.

                We have really enjoyed GA, the people, the climate, our life and my job. However, it is not home, and it would never be. I discovered after some time that there was no way I could uproot us every few years, most likely to locations that were nowhere near as pleasant as GA is. I couldn’t leave new friends that often, nor did I want to commute with you and your brother cross country 3 times a year for weeks at a time. For everything in life there is a cost, in business they call it the cost/ benefit analysis. GA benefited me in many ways professionally, but it costs us personally. I may never be a president or executive in a large company, that is going to be the consequence of my decision. I will still provide for us, and work hard, but my opportunities will be limited to what is available in Phoenix.

                The benefit is going to be that you will grow up with friends you spend your life with, that you will know your grandparents better, and hopefully that you know there is nothing more important than the people you share your life with.

                This has been the most stressful time in my life, or at least it comes close. But nothing relaxes me more than being with my family. Your brother is crawling everywhere, you are obsessed with dangling from my neck and having me catch you when you finally let go. You tell me all the time that we are best buddies, and that we will be forever. I know that is true, but I cringe to think of the times you wont want me around, or think that I am not being a good father.

                I love you so much, you bring more joy to my life than I thought possible. Typically when I roll over due to being poked in the back at 7am on a Saturday you are standing beside the bed, staring at me, waiting to start the day. I wonder what I will think about the decision we are now making 10 years from now, how our lives, how you will be different. I feel regret that you will have to leave some of your friends here behind, that you will most likely lose any memory of them as time continues.

                When I think of Georgia I will think of tall pines and green grass everywhere. I will think of the red clay in the dirt, of warm fires on cold nights and being a family in an unfamiliar place. I will think about how we came as a family of 3 and left as a family of 4. I visited 6 countries I had never been to before, and worked in an office for the second time in my life, I made friends I will miss, but memories I will keep.

                I am glad we came, and I will be happy to be home. I never imagined we would be here for so short a time. I don’t know what our families future holds, but I know we will be together through whatever comes.

I love you and love you and love you. 

Singapore

Your father traveled across the world this week, while you traveled across the country with your mother and brother back home to Phoenix. I am currently in Singapore, a small, prosperous city in Southeast Asia. I would say it reminds me of a tropical New York City.

Last night I ventured out from the Hilton and had a great dinner at a Tapas bar owned by a friendly and free pouring Austrian gentlemen. He had recently acquired some wines from his home country and luckily for me I was sitting next to some of his good friends and was engaged in about 7 rounds of tastings. I struck up a conversation with the strangers at the bar, a gentleman from the UK and his girlfriend who was from Singapore.  They invited me to a bar called Harrys- great live music, a very interesting scene to say the least and some conversation when you could manage over the volume coming from the speakers.

As I said the scene inside of Harrys was very interesting, many older white males, and many young Asian women (I was told many were from Indonesia, Thailand, Malaysia). In a word they were working girls, working what they call the oldest profession, selling one’s body for sex.  Located across the street from the bar was a shopping mall of sorts. It is called the “four floors of whores” by locals. Of course my guides told me about it and said I must see it while I was here. I was happy to have their company as I would not have attempted it on my own.

That night I didn’t think much of the scene around me, I was mostly focused on having a good time, taking in the spectacle and relaxing after a stressful week of work. We went to two of the floors, and inside one of the bars, actually a country bar believe it or not. I never thought I would hear Toby Keith over the speakers in Singapore, I guess I can’t escape him no matter how far away I go!

I woke up far too early today and promptly went downstairs to rehydrate and get some breakfast, came back to the room and started considering the experience of the night before. In passing it seemed somewhat harmless, somewhat tempting, forbidden, exciting, all in good fun. However, the more I dwell on it the more it bothers me. Not only does it bother me that there is a part of me that was tempted by this, but that prostitution has always and will most likely always exist. Poor and desperate women doing what they can to survive, and males of low enough quality to pay/force upon/ or engage in the activity with them.

I shudder at the mere thought of you being one of those women. However, you are them. Not that your “profession” is shared with theirs, but that your spirit, your femininity, your vulnerability and strength. I didn’t look at them like I look at you; my initial instinct was not to protect them as I would you. I am sorry to say but I was a spectator, I smiled and moved along as though they were there for my entertainment. I still disappoint myself more often than I would like.

As with these women you are vulnerable. One of your key vulnerabilities is your desire to be loved by a man, and the trust you will place in them. There is nothing wrong with your desire for love, acceptance, and value from men, it is God given. The weakness is inverse to the weakness of men. Our weakness (one among many) lies in the sometimes narrow focus on only physical pleasure, regardless of cost to those we engage in it with. Women desire this love and acceptance, and men too often exploit it to fulfill their own desires. We say the right words, make you feel the way you want to feel, so that you will reciprocate with the physical affection that we had in mind all along.

As I said, there is nothing wrong in your desire, or that of a man’s. The difficulty is that the physical affection is exchanged before a true emotional connection is established, before the man has made any real commitment or bond of himself to the woman. When that occurs the man walks away physically satisfied, and the woman is left with a broken heart and feeling of absolute rejection and worthlessness. It is only when you are in a committed relationship, and so to say “he put a ring on it” that the exchange should take place. Imagine signing over the title to your car to someone because they spoke nicely to you, took you to dinner and promised that eventually they would pay you for it. When they drive away never to return you are left only with your regrets. In one scenario it is your wallet that is empty, in the other, your soul.

                As I said, women are strong, in many regards stronger than a man could ever be. The women I saw were not weak, though some may see them as such. They may take abuse and torment, but they are strong enough to endure and survive. Many of them have little choice in the matter, but they are strong enough to endure what I see as unendurable, and most likely they endure it for the betterment of someone they love. Women may lack the physical strength of men, but they have strength of character, love, patience, fortitude, wisdom, and faith. It is by the weakness of men that women are often made stronger, it is by our failures to live up to our charge that women often suffer.

                You are mine as much as I am yours. That means to the peril of my life, liberty and prosperity I will sacrifice for the betterment of your life. My bond and commitment to my family is unique in depth and significance, but as a man I am called to live my life to the betterment of all around me. To protect the innocent, provide for the poor, and show love to my neighbors as Christ did. If all men adhered to this calling those women would not be on those street corners, and a great many other evils would not exist. But we are fallen, I struggle, men struggle, no matter our title or place in this world we fall short of our God given calling.

                I would have you know what a man is, so that you give your heart to one that is worthy of that gift. Trouble is that I will be your measure of what a man is, and I still feel that there is much improvement to be made. I do not want you to endure what your mother did while I was learning what it meant to be a husband. Some pain in life is good, it is a cruel but effective teacher, but that does not mean I want to think about you enduring pain.

                You are three years old, each week you say at least 10 new things that make me smile. Last week while we were on a “magical adventure” to pick dandelions you were holding them in your hand, running around yelling “do your job wind!”. You were wearing a green dress and cowboy boots in a large grass field and I hope I never forget how beautiful you looked. Even at three you make me proud every day, you are sweet, kind to others, so very smart, and you love and trust me completely. I will endeavor to see all women in the same light I see you and your mother, and to value them as such. I will continue to strive to be a man worthy of your mother’s love, so that when your heart is ready, you will know how to see past the disingenuous boys of this world and recognize the man who will dedicate the rest of his life to protecting, caring for, and enriching yours.

                I can’t wait to get home and see you- I have two more countries and 12 more days.