We found out today that something went wrong in your mothers pregnancy. The little precious life that was growing inside of her stopped growing. It’s a numbing feeling, coming over you slowly like the cold of the night creeping into your bed. Loss is a terrible thing; sorrow is a painful reminder of why we have faith, what we hold dearest, and what truly matters in this short life.

I was ok until I read Psalms 139. I was ok through not hearing the heartbeat, thinking the ultrasound would reveal life, and I was mostly empty after it did not. I comforted your mother, and I struggled with what to think, what to feel, and then I read about how intimately God knows each of us. How intimately He knew our child, the child I will never know, but the child my heart also longs for.

You were a great comfort to us through this. Your sweet smile and kisses, cuddles and hugs helped to soften the sting. We are so blessed to have you; we do not take you for granted for an instant. As I write to you I feel as though there is a piece of me missing, something I am searching for but cannot find. I wanted so badly to meet the life that was growing inside of your mother, just as I longed to meet you and hold you in this world.

I wonder if it was a son or daughter, what color eyes, hair, how sweet the little voice would be. I wonder if my child knows how much I loved it already, and love it still. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception, that a life two minutes old is as sacred as one twenty years old. I believe I will someday see my child. I know that we never knew its name, but that God always did, and that he called that life home.

My sweet sweet daughter. I would spare you from every pain in this world if I could, but I would certainly spare your from the sweetness of joy, from the lessons of wisdom, and from the grace and abundance of God. There is nothing I do to deserve to live these 28 years, and nothing my child did to live only 10 weeks. I know your brother or sister is in heaven. I know we will meet again someday. I know that there is an end to all things, and I am grateful that I have lived to see the beginning of so much life. “your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psl 139: 15-16

If love can exist between two people, before one is in existence, and the other aware of who his heart is longing for, surely I have always loved you.

Well, your first real Christmas has come and gone. I say your first real Christmas because last time you were not able to move very much, let alone understand a single thing that was going on. I think one of your favorite parts about Christmas this year were the snowmen, which you called Mahh-Tahs. There was lots of love, lots of presents, and certainly a lot of family watching and adoring your every move.

Some exciting news we found out is that next Christmas you will not be an only child. We don’t yet know if you will have a little brother or sister yet, but come September you will have to share your affections with another, but I promise there will still be plenty to go around. As you get older it will be a lot of fun for you to have a sibling on Christmas, someone else to get excited with, wake up early with, and share presents with. I don’t have many great memories of Christmas that don’t involve my brother.

When I think of Christmas there are so many things that stand out vividly in my mind, I hope they still will years from now. I remember my grandfathers Cadillac, and about 8 of us piling in to drive to the candle light service at North Phoenix Baptist Church. I loved that car ride. I remember sitting in the balcony with my family, my brother and I both carving away on our candles. I remember how the whole place lit up and the church softly sang quiet night, it was so peaceful and comforting. I loved waking up early with my brother, being so excited the night before we could hardly stand it. I loved standing outside in the cold, looking at the lights on the house, looking at the stars and trying to savor every moment.
There is no balcony anymore at North Phoenix, and so also a great many things have changed. I felt that even more this year, the changes, the longing for what was, slowly transforming into the joy of what is. Now there is you, and your mother, new traditions and memories to delight in. I will always remember how cute you looked bundled up in your Christmas clothes, how excited you got to tear the paper and play with your new toys- even if it only took 45 seconds before you moved onto the next. I will always remember looking at you and being grateful that I would be there as my parents were with me, to live vicariously through your sweet youth, and be reminded of why we celebrate Christmas. I suppose that sentence could be misleading. We don’t celebrate so that parents can relive their youth through their children, we celebrate the joy that comes from salvation, and that salvation came from a child born of a virgin who lived the only selfless life this world has ever known.

When you look back someday you will most likely remember some of the presents you received throughout the years, but what will stand out the most will be the memories that have nothing to do with gifts. Memories of family and traditions, of silly moments, and magical ones, silent nights, and the smell of the Christmas tree. We will always have a real tree, mom will make cinnamon rolls, she will also yell at me for whistling Christmas songs too much, I will put up some great exterior lighting, and we will watch the Christmas story, possibly Elf, and probably Christmas Vacation. We will take time to observe why we are really celebrating, and we will come together as a family. I love that you are part of this now, part of me.
I love you sweetheart.

Sometimes we spend all day together. Your mother works on the weekend occasionally, and so its just me and you, from 6:30am until you go to bed at 7pm. At first I kind of freaked out. I am a selfish person, and before you came along I simply went about the business of being me, and in that line of work I do whatever I want whenever I want. It was nice, perhaps somewhat self indulgent, but comfortable and nice. Then there was you, and me, and no time for selfishness.

Today for instance we got up, played around the house and had breakfast- yogurt with flaxseed, your favorite. I then changed 3 diapers within an hours time, one when you woke up and then you decided to poop twice 20 min apart. Then we watched Nebraska get pummeled by Michigan, went to the store, had a nap, went to the park, dropped off some dogfood, and came home and had dinner together. It was a fun and full day, and I wouldn’t trade it for any other.

When I put you to bed at night I look at you, lying there sweetly, your whole life ahead of you. I think about where I am now, and how far you have to come. I wonder how long it will be before you are preparing your own children for bedtime. I wonder how much of this sweet youth I will remember. You are simply the best thing, and the most challenging thing in my life. Your mother brought you into this world, and now I feel I must guide you through it. At the same time I cant help but think of how much I will miss every moment once it is gone, so many sweet kisses and cuddles, giggles and funny faces and gibberish. I love my days with you, tomorrow will be another. We are going to take the ridgebacks for a walk and I am going to try out our new hiking backpack- I think you will love it.

I love you, and I love that you have changed me, like no one else ever could. One blonde girl took me halfway, and now a little blonde girl has come to take me the rest of the way. I am no longer the man I once was, now I am a husband, and your father, and I am happy.

I had a conversation with a young woman a few weeks ago. We were discussing the guy she was seeing, who her family was not very fond of, and who had not treated her in the best way. A week or so after that we went to one of your mothers’ friend’s wedding- Alexis Butler. As I held you and watched them exchange vows I began to think of what makes a man worthy of a good woman, or perhaps more simply, what makes a great man. Who would I want you to marry someday?

One of the questions I asked the young woman was, “what do you respect about your boyfriend?” I cant say she had a complete answer. Someday I will ask you the same thing, what do you respect about the man you want to marry. As they say respect is something you earn, it’s something that comes from others observing how you live your life and the quality with which you carry yourself. When I think of a man worthy of respect I think of these traits: selflessness, courage, leadership, stewardship, tenderness, wisdom, faithfulness, honesty, ambition, and perhaps most importantly humility.

Of the traits I just mentioned, I am by no means well rounded. Of all the things humility is the best starting point for the others, I put it at the end only for emphasis. Your mother has certainly humbled me, right down to my core, sometimes to the point where I hated her. It was not my heart that hated her though; it was my pride, my sinful nature, my selfishness raging against her heart that cried out for mine to be humble. It is one thing to be humble before God, he isn’t necessarily around to tell you when you are not being so, it is another thing altogether to be humble to another person. Humility has been my greatest teacher, and my most challenging stumbling block, but without it no man is complete, and without it no man can ever truly love.

Someday love will come, along with a lot of other men that are not love. It will be up to you to separate the wheat from the chaff. I hope you have the wisdom of your mother, and when you marry, I hope you have the strength to endure the pains of love that come with the joys. I hope you choose a man who is growing, that cares about many things more than himself, and above them all you. I hope he has the traits I wrote of. Mostly, and most terrifyingly, I hope that you will, having had me as a father, know exactly the kind of man you should marry. I will do my best not to fail you, to be the example you deserve, and to always be learning how to be a better husband to your mother, and father to you. I love you sweet girl.  

First Vacation

Your father has been distracted as of late. There is no excuse for not writing, it seems perhaps 2 months have gone by, probably 4 since I last put a post on this journal, though I do have them on my computer and have just failed to upload them. I want to tell you about your first vacation.

I have a good friend who you will hopefully meet someday. His name is Brent Gaylord. We only knew each other for 4 years in high school, but that was enough to cement a strong friendship that has lasted through 9 years of us living at opposite ends of the country. If you are laughing, thinking to yourself it sounds as though I am describing a lost love, note that it is not lost on me as I type these words. The reason I mention Brent is that he lives in New York, and that was where we took you on a 7 day journey for his wedding, in which I was a groomsman.

You took your first flight on June 27^th 2011. Actually you did pretty well, you are now at the stage that crawling and standing up on things is your favorite pursuit, as is playing with everything that is not a kids toy. Items included on the flight were; boarding passes, plastic cups, napkins, magazines which you like to shred, our shoes, and bits of plastic wrapping or plastic containers. When we landed at JFK 4 hours later you then embarked on your first cab ride into the city.

When we got to our hotel, the Waldorf Astoria, you had a blast. In point of fact you were blasting across the room at wild speeds as you explored every nook and cranny, and brimmed with smiles from ear to ear. Your favorite room, for reasons unknown, was the bathroom. You slept well and we all cuddled together after a delicious dinner at a local Italian restaurant where we kept you busy with lime and lemon wedges.

The next day was our private tour of NYC. Our guide was also named Mark, and was quite taken with you. Actually most New Yorkers we encountered were, I began to think you were the only 7 month old in the city, though once we ventured into the parks we found more children. Our tour ended up being about 10 hours, no joke. Of that I would say I was wearing you for about 7 and mom did the job for about 2, the extra hour was lunch. We saw so many things that I hope someday you get to see again with your friends or husband. We rode the subway, saw famous and historic churches and buildings, viewed ground zero and structures so immense they made one feel both empowered by what man can do, and at the same time insignificantly small and obscure. That night we all crashed hard, one of the first you have slept for 8 hours straight.

Good thing you did sleep, because the next day was another 9 hour day! We successfully navigated the subways without a guide, and arrived at the MET after a short stroll. There were so many great exhibits, we started off in ancient Egypt, then toured “period rooms” from Americas 1700s on that displayed varying lifestyles and fashions, then to ancient arms and armor- my favorite, to Roman and Greek art as well as so many other wonderful things. It is truly fascinating to stand next to something someone not so different than you created hundreds of years ago. I often stop to enter into their life, the things they saw and did, the dreams and beliefs that they held and the passions they followed. It often makes history more relevant when you place yourself in it, or rather in the people’s shoes who lived during those times. We really enjoyed our time there, but after a few hours it was off to central park.

Central park was great, you got to crawl around while we ate some sandwiches we picked up a local deli. You pulled out every blade of grass you could get your hands on, and then you went after our food! We meandered around, stopping for ice cream and to view the sights occasionally. Then disaster struck….. we lost your pacifier! It was something you always needed to go to sleep and comfort you when you got cranky and tired, and somehow it had come loose. I retraced our steps but couldn’t find it, I guess it was some New Yorkers lucky day to score a used pacifier. Luckily mom got you to sleep on a park bench nuzzled up against her. I took a picture, hopefully you will see it someday.

We then went and found you a replacement at a local drugstore, and then….. Tiffanys! Momma went shoppin! I kept you busy and entertained in a corner playing on the floor. Mom ended up with a pretty necklace, one which at time of writing you have not yet broken, but are quite enamored of.

The remainder of the week I got to spend with my old friend and though we ventured into the city another day to ride the Staten Island Ferry and do more shopping and sight seeing the wedding was the next big event. Unfortunately half the bridal party and your mother got sick from the rehearsal dinner and were not feeling so good come Saturday, the day of the wedding. You were quite the hit at the wedding, hanging out with the groomsmen and admiring the brides dress, which I kept you from climbing up onto. You and your mother returned home early that evening since she was not feeling quite right yet, and I stayed and danced like a fool into the early morning.

It was great sharing our first vacation with you. Seeing you smile and seeing so many peoples days brightened by your smile and piercing eyes. Some you would frown at, others- especially waiters in little Italy you were immediately fond of! Your mother and I love to travel and see new things and places, but it was extra special having you along. After two days of carrying you around my back felt extra strong! I hope you have adventures in your life both before and after you start your family. It can be hard at times to get away or go through the troubles that some adventures sometimes entail. But in the end you are rewarded with a richness of memories and moments that will be like punctuation marks in your life. I sure do love you, I love seeing you, kissing you, and watching you grow. I love the way you smile at me and I love the way you smell. I am proud of how you are beautiful like your mother, and I imagine I will be proud of you for the rest of my life. I will always remember our first vacation together, and now, I hope, you can too.

We all went camping for the first time last week. It was so much fun to have you with us enjoying something I love to do with you there. We went to a place called haigler Creek up near Payson AZ with our friends Sean and Jen. You loved being outdoors- I don’t think you took but one nap during the day- which is unusual for you! You were just looking all around enjoying being outside and chatting up a storm, too bad we don’t know what you are saying.

We did a few hikes and you just made noises most of the time, I think you were really happy. It didn’t matter where we went you were right there connected to us, crossing creeks, going down steep mountains or up them you just looked at everything and took it all in. We even got some pictures of you riding the ridgebacks!

I did some shopping to prepare for the trip and now we have a family tent, large enough for all of us and the dogs, a comfy dual sleeping bag and all the rest of the gear we need. Before you came along I mostly had backpacking gear, a small tent, sleeping bag and other lightweight stuff. Most of our camping trips I imagine from now on will be more car camping and less backpacking- too tough to carry you and all of our gear.

I think one of my favorite parts was seeing you in a cute little pink fuzzy bear suit! You will see pictures someday. You were cozy and warm and snuggled with your mommy all night in our sleeping bag. The only one I got to snuggle with was Nyah as she keept creeping closer and closer to me during the night. It was so much fun to share something I really love with you for the first time. I hope this is only the first trip of many to come. You’re my little camping buddy now, and I cant stop smiling every time I think about you in that pink fuzzy bear suit. Love you cuddle munchkin.