Family Cabin

This past weekend we traveled to our family cabin in Prescott. My father and grandfather purchased it when I was young, it was torn down and rebuilt about 15 years ago though, but still resembles the original. When I reflect on my childhood memories of the place I remember a long drive that seemed to always take place at night, eventually we would arrive to the woods, and begin a bumpy ride along which the headlights would illuminate a dark and foreign forest surrounding us. It always felt so mysterious, so adventuresome, not that we had driven a mere 2 hours, but that we were in a new and far away land.

The cabin was old and every step you took was a creaking reminder of its age. There was a small downstairs where the kitchen and a storage room were placed with a deck on the main level, the floor boards of the deck were very narrow and numerous- to the point you almost thought you could fall through. There was a narrow staircase in the middle of the cabin that led to a second floor where there were 3 bedrooms a bathroom, and a family room with a large fireplace. Downstairs was one of my favorite parts of the cabin, a wood burning stove cast of iron that resembled a locomotive engine. My brother and I would continually feed the fire which dispensed its heat through a chimney that ran the course of the cabin. We loved that fireplace, and our grandfather loved helping us maintain the fire.

I remember running to jump into bed with grandpa and grandma in the mornings, I remember falling asleep at night, wondering with my brother if a bigfoot was going to snatch us out of our beds, I remember the woods seemed vast and endless, I remember I always felt a bit sad when we left, as if the cabin was lonely without us, and I wondered how it passed the time until we returned to it.

When I go back now it makes me feel so old! Watching the three of you experience it brings so much joy to my heart, and a bit of longing to be honest- to be young again. Quinn you are still mostly just along for the ride at this point, Cora you are our mountain goat, climbing everywhere and being a brave explorer. This past trip you spend a lot of time decorating a rock with mud “making it beautiful” and also some time making algae cotton candy… scooping algae out of the stream with a stick, which Deacon you also joined in on. Deacon you are not currently a lover of long hikes like your sister, or a sure footed, but you do very well for being just 3 and you take on any challenge with good determination.

I love spending time with my family, away from all the normal distractions. I am overseas again this week in London, and Aberdeen, both in the UK, and will travel to Lisbon Portugal soon. I am so glad I have the memories of the past weekend to reflect back on while missing you all. Going to Lynx lake and finding a stowaway lizard which Cora you and I held, Deacon you used the oar as a cannon to fight of pirates, panning gold in the stream and finding treasures, even just watching a movie together and cuddling on the couch. The thing I hold most dearly in my life is my family, I love each of you so much, and you are all perfect to me in unique ways that make our family whole. Cant wait to get home and see you all, and plan some more adventures!

Midish Life Crisis

Well this one is a bit of a hard one, as I am still somewhat in the midst of figuring it out. On December 17^th we hosted a front yard Friday for the neighborhood at our house. Your father drank too much and that night I noticed my heart feeling funny. Long story short I ended up in the hospital the next morning after your mother listened to me with a stethoscope and decided I should go in.

I was in something called atrial fibrillation, not entirely uncommon, but quite scary for me. It makes your heart contract too quickly, and irregularly, and not properly pump all the blood out. I stayed in the hospital overnight and you all came and visited me. It was the first time I had spent the night as a patient in a hospital, and the first time I have had a serious health issue. It has shaken me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and I am still having bouts of depression over it. Your mother has been so good and supportive to me through this, I cannot imagine doing this alone.

At the same time as this a little boy named Hollis, who’s family attends church with us passed away from a form of cancer called DPIG. It is very rare, currently untreatable, and I believe always fatal. He passed away in early January, just shy of being 8 years old.

All of this to say I have thought about death more in the past two months than I have in the past 32 years. So many questions and uncertainties race through my mind. I have come to some conclusions that I thought I would share with you, they are of course just my own.

If I die tomorrow doesn’t much matter as if I die 50 years from now. Physical death is an unsettling certainty, and thinking of Hollis and so many like him that die so young has led me to the belief life is not about years, it is about securing eternity. The book of Ecclesiastes has writings from the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. He had power, women, wealth, all the things that men desire, and yet he was not fulfilled by those things. Every day myself and my fellow man chase some or all of these things. If I died a millionaire or penniless it does not change my immortal life, my place in heaven is no more or less secure. If I taste every pleasure on earth it does not soften the blow of death, the longer you live the more you will find pleasure is fleeting in every form and does not satisfy you for long.

I compare myself to Hollis. He was far braver than I will ever be, and from the outside it may seem that his life was not as full as someone like me, but once again, what do years matter in eternity? It says in the bible that there are no tears, no pain, no sorrow in heaven. There can be no longing for what we did not have on earth when we have everything in heaven, a true and lasting fulfillment that none of us can truly understand on earth. The longer I live the more I am convinced that a life focused on eternal existence with God cannot be judged on the content and quality of its earthly existence, it can only be judged on one thing along, did the person know God?, and accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The issue with this line of thinking is the obvious question “so what’s the point of living”? I will do my best to answer for myself but first a favorite quote of mine, “that life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions”. I live my life now around these things: Being a good Husband and Father, being a good neighbor (not geographically limited), following Christ, and doing his will. When I was younger than I am now (still think of myself as young) I lived life for one thing… Pleasure.

The world currently is telling people one thing, again and again, “happiness is in reach”, “contentment is just around the corner”! There is always something you can buy, someone you can have sex with, an alcoholic drink, a medication, a job that leaves you one step away from making it, from being happy, from filling the hole in your life. I lived like that, so will you, it’s natural when you are young, because young people don’t think they will ever die. When your life seems without end you don’t focus on how to prepare for that end, it’s like a class with no set tests or final, you don’t study for something you won’t be taking. My priorities when I was young was to have sex, have fun, and make a good living. That evolved to get married, have nice things, provide for my family, and have adventures. I didn’t preoccupy myself very much with being a good Christian, or following Gods call for my earthly life. I attended and tithed to the church, helped others when I could, but mostly just lived for a good time, and comfortable life.  

Issue is someday comfort comes to an end. Cancer, job loss, relationship issues, other sicknesses, it gets to everyone- eventually. Rich, poor, good, bad, no one escapes suffering in life. I regret this heart thing happened to me, or rather I find myself wishing it did not. But it has served as a turning point, my life is vulnerable, I am vulnerable, and I should live my life in a way that I will feel unashamed about when I die. Once again you cannot earn your way into heaven, but God also understood that you cannot pleasure your way to a full life. We have the example of Solomon I mentioned earlier, there is no (one next experience) that provides a threshold over which we can pass to have achieved a “full life”.

Ok, so what does this matter to you? First, I want you to enjoy being young. A popular verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 11:9 “You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see” one part that is left out when people quote it sometimes is “but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment”. I want you to have fun when your bodies are young, the world is still vast, and there is nothing like the time in your youth when you are unencumbered by adult life and responsibility. Your mother and I will try to provide you plenty of opportunity for this.

Secondly, I want you to live well, to live knowing there is an end to your race. Do not dwell on death, but focus on living a good Christian life. Help others, even your enemies, be kind and patient, love even when it is not returned, seek ways to share Jesus with others so they too can gain eternal life. Wealth and status and the accolades of the world will not matter once your life is done. I have done a very poor job up to this point of sharing Christ with others, of making it something I am willing to put out there. It can be an uncomfortable business, but it is our primary calling from God.

Lastly, have a heart of gratitude, even in the valleys of life. While in the hospital and after I caught myself feeling jealousy at others that do not have this ailment. I was upset that it happened to me, that there was something wrong inside of me I could not change. How foolish it is to think such things. All around the world there is suffering. Children that never know love- only abuse and neglect, children like Hollis that succumb to terrible diseases, adults that are victims of violence, women who are terrorized and abused by men, all manner of evil and injustice. Ultimately, we can look to Jesus, a man who lived a sinless life, but who was tortured and murdered in a terrible manner, if a perfect man was not free from suffering how can we expect to be, how can we complain? The only defeat that awaits us as believers is the one we inflict on ourselves.

One final word. If I die before you are grown know that I will see you again, that I was not afraid or sad, and that I have no regrets about what I did not yet accomplish in life. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I have my sight for Gods wonders, my ears have heard beautiful music, my heart has loved your mother and been filled with love by her in a manner I never knew possible when I was young- or even for the first few years of our marriage. I met all 3 of you, got to kiss and hold you close, watch you grow and see how wonderful the gift of life is from God, how miraculously and wonderfully you were formed. My legs traveled the world wider than I thought possible, but in all my travels I began to long more and more for home where you all were. I will never do anything as great as helping to bring the three of you into this world. I want for nothing, God has given me more than I could ever warrant.

Quinn- you smile all the time, you reach out with your little hands and grab people’s faces now. Your eyes are so big and blue and bright, nearly 7 months old now and I think you have accepted me as a distant second to having your mother hold you. Your sister and brother dote upon you. You squeal with delight so often, and have become a good little eater of food. We love you and your fuzzy strawberry blonde hair, according to Cora you have gotten more kisses than anyone else as there are 4 of us to kiss you all the time.

Cora- we just had our first father daughter date/ dance. We went to Federal pizza and played games and talked about school, your friends, what foods each of us love, music, all kinds of things. We danced like crazy and then you ran all around with your friends from school. You are so tall and beautiful, so kind and silly. I love your imagination, I love how you are silly like me. My big girl, you help out so much around the house. The neighbors just did a lemonade stand- you LOVED selling things, maybe someday you will follow me into a career in sales, whatever you decide on I know you will be fantastic. 

Matriarch

On November 9^th 2016 your Great Grandmother Dolores Caroline Prindiville passed away. She was my last remaining Grandparent on this earth, she was a matriarch in every sense of the word, and many will miss her.     

Grandma lived 93 years, she was born in 1923. When she was born the use of electricity in homes was not widespread, the second world war had not begun, she could not vote, black people in America had almost no equality, and the great depression was only a few short years away. She began her life only 93 years ago, and yet at the end almost everything that “was”, “is”, no longer. 93 years, most never will see that many days, that many hours. At times life reminds me of a line for JRR Tolkien, “the young perish and the old linger”, however, your Great Grandmother did not do much lingering.

I have come to a moment in my life that has puzzled me somewhat. I have accomplished as much as I dreamt when I was young, and I am living a reality that was once only a desire of my heart. I completed school, married a beautiful woman, fathered children, traveled the world, and have a fulfilling and challenging career. I often say that I am already too old to die young, yet if I make it to your Great Grandmothers age I still have two lifetimes ahead of me at the moment of this writing.

I would caution you this about time, it is easy to subtract from it, impossible to add to it, and that the greater quantity is not indicative of a greater quality. At some point you will begin to dictate what happens in your life, and your path through it. You can choose to believe you are a victim of the world and helpless in your fate, or you can decide no one other than you is responsible for your life, and take charge of it. Every moment you spend cannot be reclaimed, but that does not mean that all lazy days are wasted time. When you look at something as vast as 93 years with a microscope, moments, even months can seem mundane, but when you look at years the true nature of a life takes form.

Your Great Grandmother endured hardships that I feel would crush people of my time. She was raised going without comforts that we take for granted daily. When she became a woman she married and had 8 children, when those children were grown she gained an education as a nurse and began to care for strangers instead of her offspring. When she had diligently saved she traveled the world, from adventures in the Amazon rain forest, to China and a lot of places in between. She lived many lives during her 93 years, she gave birth to what would become generations and generations of lives, and at the end she quietly slipped from this world, unknown to the masses, but loved by many. How will you measure a life well lived? When you look to your Matriarch I hope you will agree she did well. 

Stopping Rivers

Cora, Quinn, I have been thinking a lot about you two lately, and many of those thoughts have been on why deep down there is a part of me that feels more comfortable raising boys. I have thought on it for some time and decided it boils down to this, I feel like someday I will lose you both, that I am fighting a battle to hold onto something that will inevitably slip through my fingers. When I say lose you I mean in the sense you will grow up and find a wonderful man to share your life with. You will go from being my little cuddly girls to being someone’s wife, and I already feel like I will miss you terribly.

I for some reason don’t feel the same about Deacon. I don’t imagine the same separation from me, perhaps because he will someday be a man I go to times we will hang out and go hunting or hiking. I would hope I could do the same with you both after you are married- or whatever activity you would like to do. I don’t dread you growing older (don’t love it either!) my wish isn’t that you would stay single and forever be dependent on me, my hopes and prayers are far from that.

I pray that you both choose wisely who to spend your precious and valuable time with, and even more selectively, who you share your love with. I pray that you spend your days pursuing a full and rich life, be it becoming a nurse like your mother, an engineer (hope you don’t get my math skills…), or going into the business world like your father. If I am being honest here I don’t much support following your passions to be a dancer, or artist, I always felt those were more of hobbies…. But nonetheless if you do, and you are fulfilled, then I will be fulfilled.

I pray that if you are to be married it is to a man who is worthy of you, and that you can respect. I hope he adores you as I do, values your heart and cares for your soul. I pray that when you are married you feel a deep peace and contentment, and that the love between you and your spouse will grow, and be strong when tested, and gentile when needed. When the day comes to walk you down the aisle I will be there beside you, and if ever you need me after or before that hour I will be found, by your side.

You are my pieces of innocence in a world that is not innocent. You are the best parts of life and hope. Every day I watch you grow and change, and with each of those days you are less of my little girls, slowly and inevitably as the river flows into the sea, you will become women. I don’t wish to dam the river; I just regret the current is so fast. I love you two so much, I am so grateful I get to be your father and so humbled by the awesome task. I love you and love you, and love you and love you. 

Enter Quinn

You arrived in this world at 10AM on Sunday July 31^st. You were late, as your sister and brother before you were, and as we expected you would be. Your mother fought for 2 ½ hours to bring you into this world. She took no drugs to dull the pain, she fought mentally and physically the likes of which I don’t believe I have ever seen before, until we held you in our arms. So begins your journey, and so continues that of our family.

Your sister Cora will turn 6 years old in 3 months, your brother Deacon will turn 3 years old in 2 months. Cora is filled with silliness and has a vivid imagination. She would bask in conversation and play for as long as any willing person will indulge her. She loves her long blonde hair, going on adventures with her daddy, candy of all sorts and she loves you. She was so excited to help place your crib in her room, and to prepare for your arrival. I hope she will be just as enthusiastic someday when you share a closet and bathroom in your teenage years.

Deacon did not know what to make of you for the first 2 days. He warily kept his distance and merely observed. When you were in your mother’s womb he would often hug her belly, and talk about being gentile with “baby Quinn”. He now tells you he loves you more freely than he has said it to anyone else, he holds you and shows a tenderness that I hope will last your lifetimes. He loves tools, trucks, guns and cuddles. He has bright eyes and a gentile spirit, he will melt into my arms completely at times, yet at others he makes a point to be independent.

I have had two children before you, but I have seemed to forget how small babies can be, how delicate and soft, how completely encompassed my heart can be by something so small. In all likelihood you will be the last child your mother and I have, and therefore always be our baby.

You enter this world in a year as uncertain as any. I consider myself an armature student of history, and thus far I have seen nothing take place that has not happened in some way before. That is not necessarily comforting mind you, but calamity was never avoided from enveloping oneself in a sea of worry, nor was progress ever made through sheer apathy. I take moderation in all things to be the best measure, and so I will do what I am able, to affect the things I can, while not concerning myself with the hypothetic or with things well out of my control.

I am now 32 years old, I often forget that and think I am 33. Your mother is 29 years old. We took you on a babymoon/ 30^th birthday last hurrah to France for 11 days. I can’t say you enjoyed it as you were still months away from being born, but at least you can claim to have had fine French wine (in moderation) and fine French cuisine well before any of your siblings. My life feels more and more dedicated to my family, and every day I feel a little farther from the me I thought I once knew so well. I started this blog to reach my children in a way that my father had not reached me. I started this so you would know me along our journey, not merely towards the end of it looking back, but along the way. You will know me, more than any save your mother, you will know me. My faults, my quirks, my qualities and my love. I started this most of all so all my children would know my love for them.

Perhaps it has been you and your siblings that have changed me so much so that I do not know myself as I once did. Perhaps it is the knowledge of a deeper level of love, of selflessness that I could not understandably comprehend before I became a father. I am not my own man any longer, my life is dedicated to you, and that responsibility too has changed me, for what would I not sacrifice for my family?

I love you completely, you cannot separate yourself from my love through distance or action, through time or neglect. I am bound to serve you, to lay down my life to make yours better. I will be here to support you, to surround you in love, to guide you when you heed my wisdom, and to wait patiently when you do not. I will also learn from you, as I have learned from your sister and brother. Our lives will be tied together in a mosaic, small in the specter of time and space, but encompassing in the aperture of our eyes. I will do what I can to make it beautiful for you, as you are beautiful to me. I love you Quinn, completely. You are my sweet girl, and I will forever be your father.

France

Your mother and I recently took a vacation, our last hurrah before your sister Quinn gets here, and also to celebrate mom’s 30^th birthday. We traveled to France for 10 days. We spent the first 4 nights in Paris, touring the sights, sounds, tastes of the city. We moved onto Versailles for one night in the Waldorf Astoria…. And I spend a months worth of grocery bills on a single meal! Lastly our favorite 3 nights we spent in the Loire Valley touring the countryside and Chateau’s of the region. One of my great joys in life is traveling with your mother, going on adventures and getting away from the harried pace of daily life.

During our stay in Paris we made a day trip out to the beaches of Normandy, where on June 6^th 1944 the Allied forces landed to begin the liberation of Europe from Nazi Germany. I almost decided not to make the trip, it was quite a drive from Paris and I didn’t know if we would have the time. I am so glad we made the journey though. We visited the battlefields and saw where men battled and lost their lives, we saw what havoc mankind is capable of, and what heroism in the face of death they are capable of.

By far the most moving moments were the visiting of the graveyards. The American cemetery sits above the ocean, all of the plants are from America, and all the graves face west, towards the home those men would never return to. The knowledge that these men died for their convictions, to set strangers free and prevent further human suffering overwhelmed me. I found myself welling up with emotion over men I did not know, but men I nevertheless owed a debit to. One of the inscriptions that moved me was “These endured all and gave all that justice among nations might prevail and that mankind might enjoy freedom and inherit peace.”  

One other note on something I did not expect. During our visit to Normandy we were taken to the German cemetery. I had not anticipated, nor really did I have any desire to see it however, I came away moved nonetheless. One particularly moving inscription that I found put the cemetery and the men who were interred there into perspective. “Until 1947, this was an American cemetery. The remains were exhumed and shipped to the United States. It has been German since 1948, and contains over 21,000 graves. With its melancholy rigor, it is a graveyard for soldiers not all of whom had chosen either the cause or the fight. They too have found rest in our soil of France.”

Wars end, the fire of hatred can grow to an inferno, but eventually every inferno runs out of things to consume. I believe that was the case with the German cemetery and world war II. The hard-won piece that followed was one in which nearly every person on the earth had been touched by the war, and they were weary from the toll it exacted from their souls. There was understanding by soldiers that the men they faced were, for the most part, men like them, under orders as they were, fighting for their country. Graveyards are moving places, after the endless injustices and tragedies of war forgiveness is an incredible thing, and really the only thing that can bring true peace.

There were many more moments from our trip I will remember forever. Touring beautiful gardens and castles, eating exquisite meals and watching the sunset over the Loire river with your mother. One picture which I will always remember is standing in a field of yellow flowers with your mother. It stretched to the horizon so there was only yellow meeting the blue of the sky, the air was cool but not cold, and a breeze was moving softly enough the make it feel as though there were waves and the flowers were the ocean. When some moments of difficulty find me I will go back to that place, I will see your mother standing there with another of our children in her. I will feel that cool air and I will remember how vivid the colors were in that moment and nothing else will matter.

             I love you both so much, I look forward to having you with us for some of our adventures, and to the day you grow to be old enough to embark on your own. 

Lineage

I believe that someday you will find, as I have, that looking ahead to the events of life makes time seem abundant and elastic. However, looking behind at the course of your life will render time brief and all to quickly dissipated. On January 10^th your Great Grandmother Anne Harding slipped from her earthly life to her eternal one, she went to join her husband Russell, who passed away before either of you were born. I felt grief as now this world is without her, but I felt joy as well, because I was able to say goodbye, because she had lived a long and blessed life, and mostly because I know without doubt she is with my Grandfather, and our Lord.

Your Great Grandmother was born in Michigan, to parents from Germany and Austria. I was told her mother married around 15 years of age, her father worked the land as a farmer. She spoke fondly of parts of her childhood, many times of a German Shepheard that was her constant companion. She met her husband on a train, I don’t know where she was going but he was on his way to the Pacific theater to take part in World War II. I know he asked to sit next to her, to which she replied “no”, not deterred he asked to write her while he was away, and he did, for 3 years. When he returned they were married, and they never separated again.

I found during the funeral that Anne fell in love with the west during a visit here, and quickly convinced my Grandfather to re-locate the family. I am not sure that he ever said no to her. I also learned that she was responsible for your Grandfathers side of the family coming to know the Lord, and eventually my father leading me to the Lord. I was struck by the way her decisions had shaped my life in ways I only now am realizing the weight of.

So often in the age in which I live the focus is on the present, the immediacy of our needs and satiation of our desires. We give little thought to the notion that we are leading not only our lives, but the generations that will follow down the roads we are choosing. If I plan and act poorly you and your children’s children may suffer for it. If I act wisely and prudently generations may flourish long after I am gone. Men and women work to leave legacies in stone and steel, and yet the greatest one we will have will not be lifeless and stationary, but living breathing testaments to our time on earth.

In the final week of my Grandmas life I sat by her bedside. She was frail, but still understood what was going on. She told me she was tired, and she was ready to go to heaven. I recalled memories of my childhood with her, recalling all the great days we had spent, and how she had shaped my life. I reassured her of my love, of how proud I was of her, and how great of a grandmother she had been to me. She was proud of me as well, of my life and of the family I have. I am so happy she got to meet and love both of you. I asked her if she had slept well, and had any good dreams. She told me she had dreamt she was with her husband Russell, who died 12 years before, and that she did not want to wake up from that dream. I believe on the night she left us he was there to bring her home.

I will love each of you my entire life, my love for you requires not effort, it flows from me and through me. Not all love is like that, my love for your mother requires work, requires me to let go of my selfish desires, to lay my life down for her- her love for me most assuredly requires a great deal more.  One thing my Grandparents taught me, and that always made me proud of them, was that two people can love one another their entire lives. They can cease to exist singularly; I cannot think of one of them without the other. I hope someday you will see your mother and I in that light, that I will leave that example for you to follow if nothing else. Life is only worth living because of love, Gods Love, and your love for others. Without Love life has no meaning, no purpose, no redemption.

I see my Grandmother still. I feel her comfort climbing into a warm cabin bed early in the morning to cuddle, I taste the meals she worked so hard on for others to enjoy, I hear her voice longing to know of my life and encouraging me, I see her and my Grandfather embracing and calling to each other. Your lineage is up to you, dependent on the choices you make and the responsibilities you decide to shoulder or shirk. You have the strength of generations behind you, and in your blood flowing through you. Remember you do not walk alone, and that the roads you choose you will be choosing for others you may never live to know.

I love you both so much. I have been traveling for work all week long, and cant wait to be home!