Family Summer Vacation 2018

Well our 2018 family vacation (minus Quinn) is in the books. This year we set out to Legoland and SeaWorld. I am reasonably sure that the very idea came from your asking Cora, after seeing numerous advertisements on TV. Also due to the advertising we stayed in the new Legoland Castle hotel- I think the thing you two were most excited about was the bunkbed in the room.

Our roadtrip there went well all in all, which means you two slept and or quietly watched your iPads most of the time! One thing I remembered from my childhood which I wanted to do for you was to stop at a gas station and let each of you pick something out- we did this in Yuma. I don’t know why it felt special to me as a kid, but it was fun for me to relive it through you- Deacon you got M&M’s and Cora you got some kind of gummies. One other eventful part was as we made the climb from the desert to the mountains before you get to San Diego we went through a storm- it wasn’t raining very hard but we got to drive through a cloud. You both put your hands and heads outside the windows thought it was pretty cold- I couldn’t see too far ahead so I was focused on the road.

Legoland was awesome, and seeing you two have so much fun was even better. Once you are a parent you will realize that one of the best parts is seeing your children filled with joy. From having breakfast in the mornings (pancakes for Cora and waffles for Deacon) to all the rides, you two were in heaven. Cora, you were particularly happy that each day you got to drink soda- another vacation treat. Deacon every single day you found time to nap on me around noon for about 20-30min, but you never once complained about walking around or being too tired- you were a real trooper. Cora you didn’t complain either- except once when you fell down and scrapped your leg and acted like it was the end of the world…. But you recovered after a few rides.

I think our favorite rides overall were the roller coasters, much to my surprise you two braved each and every one of them. I remember riding a similar one in Disneyland when I was young and I got so scared I didn’t ride a roller coaster again until I was a Freshman in high school- I guess you two are going to be a lot braver than me. We started with the dinocoaster, then there was a dragon roller coaster, and finally an oddly named Lego Technic Coaster. Deacon one of your favorite rides was a mummy ride where we all got to shoot lasers at a target, Cora your favorite was the Dragon coaster. One nice part about being there before school was out is there were hardly any lines, thinking back on this trip as I write makes me sad its all over- but also makes me smile thinking of all the fun we had.

We ended up at Seaworld on Saturday, which meant it was a bit more crowded but we still had a great time. There were three shows that we did, a dolphin show, sealion show, and the orca show. The dolphins was kind of an acrobatics display, the sealions were all comedy, and the orcas were just amazing to see. By the time you two are adults the orca show will most likely have ceased, there was a documentary called Blackfish made a few years back that created a lot of controversy about having whales in captivity. There are arguments to be made on both sides, but ultimately when I looked around at the 400 people or more in the stadium I know 99% of us will never see an Orca in the wild, and seeing them in Seaworld helps us appreciate them, and if that ultimately makes us more responsible in preserving the wales environment then I think it is a good thing. In any case all the shows were great. We also did some rides, two of which soaked us to the bone!

Spending time as a family seeing you two growing and learning and having fun is the best part of my life. I am at this point where my youth is more and more behind me, which sometimes gets me down. However, seeing your lives take shape and being able to pour adventure and fun into them, being able to help give you a great childhood gives such purpose to my life. I know things won’t always be as they are when you are 7 and 4, you won’t always want to hang out with me and cuddle and listen to most things I say, and that’s ok, because life is all about seasons. This is one of my favorites, the young innocent, great wide world of possibilities and adventure season. I want to let you live in it for as long as you can and enjoy it as much as you can before the next season arrives.

One aside I will mention, while we were in the Legoland your mother spotted a child wearing a Make A Wish badge. Make A Wish is an organization that was set up to bless children with terminal health issues by granting a wish, like a trip to Disneyland, Legoland, or meeting a celebrity. I thought it was an important reminder during our fun that we cannot take anything for granted, and that we should always be cognizant that there are people in this world who are struggling and hurting. I don’t bring this up to make us feel bad about our fun, but to draw attention to the balance of life and the frailty of it. Life cannot be about only serving yourself, and though some moments will be full of joy others will be full of struggle. For me it was a reminder to live in those moments with you as much as I can and never take them for granted, and now I will always have the memories of our trip together, and I hope you will too.

Cora- you were such a big girl on this trip, so helpful at every turn and so open to expressing how much you were enjoying everything. You left a note for the housekeepers in the Legoland hotel that those had been the best two days of your life. You were also kind to your brother during the trip and at times when he would need it you comforted him, and you played with him really nicely. The souvenir you decided on was a white seal- or Harp seal- you thought about your purchase for a few days, you are so smart and always put your thoughts together so well. I am so proud of you and love you so much.

Quinn- you stayed home for this one since you were not quite two years old. You pretty much shunned us when we got back, as I am sure you were a bit mad. You seemed to have a very good time with Mimi and Papa though. Also when we got back we found you learned the phrases, no no mommy, no no daddy. So that has been fun lately! I mostly call you my fuzzy headed monster, or still Qunisters. You are so sweet and cuddly, and your hair is getting so long and a bit curly at the ends in the back. I sure do love you.

Coffee Pot

Well 2018 is off to a decent start. As I write this the first three months have already passed, they held a fair amount of change. For one my role at work changed, I went from a Sales Director to Business Director, which seems for the time being to be half of what I used to do as a Product Line Manager, but for a business about 3 times the size and twice the complexity, so that balances it out. I do not yet enjoy the role as much as my last, and am finding it strange not to travel after doing so regularly for the past 11 years of work. I love being out and about and having a change of scenery, I am fortunate that my career has provided that in spades. However, I remain optimistic about what I will learn and how this role will prepare me for the next, and how I can make a positive impact.

Change is tough when it’s not to one’s liking. I interact sometimes with people who have rarely changed roles, or habits for that matter for decades. I suppose that a lifestyle of that sort comes with a great deal of comfort and regularity, up to the point when something you didn’t anticipate comes along and then it would really throw you for a loop…. But I digress.

This past year was my most lucrative financially. It is a strange thing to make more money than you had ever envisioned. I remember when I was first starting out and my friend Nathan and I were talking, we said if we could just make $80,000 a year our lives would be perfect. I made multiples of that this year, and yet as you may someday find depending on the path you take, it effected a negligible amount of change to my joy. Now materially speaking there were improvements, new pool, bathroom, vacations paid for, investments made- but my joy, that did not change. Money didn’t make me love you more, or you me. Money didn’t perfect my marriage, or improve my relationships with my friends. I didn’t let money separate me from God, but if I am being honest the pursuit of one diminished from the pursuit of the other.

While preparing our taxes recently my CPA told me most people in our income range donate 2-3% of their income, we had donated 12%. I don’t say that to brag, but to let you know my success did not come solely from blind luck, or hard work. The very company I work at now came about because your Papa sat in the stands at Uncle Taylors swim meets near someone who worked at Honeywell. When I was looking for a new role that someone was willing to pass my resume to the hiring manager, a resume that would have gotten lost in the “unqualified” pile due to me not having Aerospace experience. God opened the doors at the right time. I see it clearly, the blessings he has given us are not to be hoarded, they are to be shared, he blessed me for a reason, and it wasn’t so I could have a new pool. Having or not having money is not what matters, what matters is if you are responsible with what you are given, and if you are serving something greater than yourself. If you are not, joy and peace will be out of your reach no matter the income you achieve. You may be happy, and have nice things, but you cannot buy yourself a better life- not in the way that matters.

I am most likely repeating myself here but lately I don’t feel like I am working for myself. Most of what I do is with a long term in mind, and that long term revolves around the 3 of you and your mother. After my heart issue I increased my life insurance and as each month passed thought “ok, more debt paid down, more saved, the kids will be ok if I die”. My outlook month to month was the longer I lived the more secure your future would be. I am less fatalistic these days but my goals remain the same, provide a better life for you and even for your children, leave a legacy for my family. Now I just said that money doesn’t purchase what really matters, but for me I look to it to purchase freedom. If I can do enough maybe your freedom, to travel and enrich your lives, to buy a vacation home where you can bring your families someday to visit mom and I.

The things that make me “happy” have changed so much as I got older. When I was younger it was more focused around those things- my jeep, video games, large purchases- guns, fancy clothes, outdoor equipment. Now I am happiest when I watch all of you enjoying life, when we have play time together, when I see you take joy in moments and learn. I also find happiness in my solitude at times, one of my greatest enjoyments is a glass of bourbon and a decent cigar, on a cold night by a fire, listening to some good music. I have always been a lonesome soul. At times I transport myself back to times and places when I was at peace, sitting next to haggler creek near Payson, looking across golden grass blowing in the wind at sunset while quail hunting, most of the memories I am in the wild, alone, I don’t know why- but that is where I go.

This past week my friend Cameron and I went four wheeling to a place called Coffee Pot, it is east of Rye, south of Payson. The rancher I spoke to told me the trail was rough but we would be ok in a jeep, turned out we needed a very modified Jeep, which luckily Cameron had. The road back was only 8 miles but it took all of 2 hours to drive it, large drops and ledges, loose rocks and overgrown brush made it pretty difficult. I took some pictures once we got to the campsite- they don’t do the place justice but I will include them. You cross through two canyons and move from desert landscape at about 4 thousand feet to Alligator Juniper trees and grassland at 6,200 feet. At Coffee Pot there is a bunkhouse where the cowboys still sleep when working cattle in the backcountry and most likely finding strays. There was a wood burning stove and simple setup, it must be lonely but it was beautiful. We camped in a mountain meadow, undisturbed by anything but the breeze and stars. It was fantastic to have an adventure and spend some time with a good friend in the place I long to be- the wild. We have a lot coming up this summer so I am sure I will be writing more.

Music lately- Josh Garrels- Further Along, Avett Brothers- The Perfect Space, Murder in the City (and a lot of their other songs), Jake Owen-Anywhere With You, Lord Huron- Hurricane and Ends of the Earth.

A Good Man

Very recently a good man passed away after a battle with Leukemia. His name was Pieter Boersma, he was born in South Africa, your mother and I came to know him and his family in 2009 when we journeyed to Mozambique. Pieter and his wife Rika had a calling from God to serve those in need, and serve them they did. They founded an orphanage and took in children that had been abandoned or orphaned, many due to the ravages of AIDS on the country.

I remember learning of their mission with your mother in church when another missionary came to speak of various efforts across the globe. In 2009 the world economy went through a deep economic recession and at the time the company I worked for, Eaton, decided in addition to laying off 10% of their employees that those remaining would take “MULA’s”. The acronym sounds better than the definition, Mandatory Unpaid Leave of Absence, so one week unpaid each quarter. Honestly at the time I didn’t mind as I just felt grateful to still have good meaningful work with a good company that was doing the best they could given the uncertainty in the world at the time.

Your Mother and I quickly decided this would be perhaps our only opportunity for this much time off for the foreseeable future, and began making plans for a 3 week journey. There is nothing quite like setting out for a 20 hour journey to the opposite end of the world. I have always had a thirst for adventure, but that didn’t stop the sinking feeling in my gut as we set out, but as with any adventure having a steadfast travel companion allays many a fear. We flew first to New York City where we spent the night before boarding a 15 hour flight directly from NYC to Johannesburg South Africa, from there we took another 1 hour flight to Maputo Mozambique. 

We arrived in a world our imaginations had struggled to form, and that we could not fully prepare for. Overall we were simply elated to have arrived, and we quickly located Pieter and Rika in the airport and went for lunch. One of the first things I noticed is that your mother turned a lot of heads, there were not a tremendous amount of blonde women walking around in town. My mind initially went to how I would defend her absent of any decent weapons…. As an American I was used to at least having the option of being armed! One thing I will say- for some reason when I think of foreign places my mind gravitates towards thinking everyone is out to get me. My personal experience to all corners of the world including Saudi Arabia has dispelled that. I think the media and some good cherry-picking of unfortunate events has done a lot to instill fear into people. Now a healthy dose of caution and common sense when dealing with unfamiliar surroundings is still a sound practice no matter where you go.

I think the most overwhelming thing to me was it all seemed a bit chaotic- the airport where we had to file papers for lost luggage (got it on the next plane- no thanks to anyone in the airport though) the traffic (your father once literally laid across the laps of 3 strangers who were totally used to it, though not used to it being a “white” their term) one of the things that stood out the most is the population was 98% young people. I believe in the two weeks we spent there we may have seen a total of 5 people over 60. The experience at the hospitals and caring for many of the children that were born with HIV and had lost their parents to AIDS demonstrated that long life was a rarity, not the norm.

The Boersma’s orphanage was a fantastic home for our two weeks. At the time they had around 12 children, aged infant to 6 years old. If you ever begin to feel entitled to anything, a good exercise would be to visit an orphanage, here in the US but especially in a 3^rd world country. Stepping one foot inside, and for the briefest of moments entering into their lives one cannot help but feel overwhelmingly blessed. To have parents to raise and care for you, food in your stomach, a roof and quality medical care, to be loved and held, to be clean and have access to an education. There are innumerable things we begin slowly to take for granted in life. I will as you all grow caution and watch for the attitude of “this world owes me something”. In fact it does not, and those that feel that they are victims of the world are destined to live lives of envy, bitterness and sorrow. I saw joy in those children that escapes even the most fortunate of the rich world. These orphans did not expect anything, and so whatever they did receive was a blessing they cherished, we should live life the same.

One thing that stayed with me the most is how much they wanted and needed my attention. There was never enough energy to satisfy them, and often they wanted one on one time. To ride on my shoulders, be pushed around in one of the hobbled together toys they had, to play soccer, or sit and read in my terrible Portuguese. They simply wanted what had been denied to them, to be the focus of someone’s love and affection, to be someone’s joy, often just to be held, we are not meant to live solitary lives. When I think of the love all 3 of you have growing up it makes me so happy, but at the same time it pains my heart to know children every bit as worthy of love go neglected every hour of every day.

Enter people like Pieter and Rika. They lead a comfortable life in Mozambique, which is to say they lead an uncomfortable life compared to almost anywhere else in the world. Sometimes there is running water, sometimes not, fuel and electricity are sporadic at best, Malaria is common and Pieter had it at least twice, and if you do get sick the nearest quality healthcare would be across the border- hours away in South Africa. They also did not allow these challenges and their fears hold them back from starting a family of their own, they have 3 boys that face the very things they do. Yet with these challenges and so many more they willingly entered into this pain in the world that needed addressing, they did not shy away from the calling they felt God placed in their heart, and keep in mind, Pieter still got cancer, still suffered after caring for the suffering. The point of the work we do as Christians is not so we will be repaid in this life with comfort and peace, it is so we can answer Gods call and save people in this so very brief life before we face the eternal life that is to come.

People often turn away from God when misfortune strikes them, as though they believed God has turned his back on them. Scour the bible, those who walk closest with God are often the very same people who suffer most in this world, and for good reason, if a holy life was simple Jesus would not have had to come and die for our sins, the road to destruction is wide, the path of righteousness is narrow and testing. God didn’t promise this life to be easy for one reason- it barely matters. What is 10,40, even 100 years of suffering in comparison to eternity, what does it matter to build treasures here when we cannot retain them, Pieter was focused on the prize, his eternal life, and leading others to an eternal life and relationship with Jesus that would bear the ultimate gift for them and their descendants, the gift of Gods salvation. As people we often judge the quality of life in years, comfort, or possessions that point to a rich life of elegance. God does not judge it so, and deep in our hearts what we long for is not the treasures of the world, it is for a peace that passes understanding.

Pieter is now surrounded by love and joy, he knows neither fear, nor hunger, no sadness or pain, his race is run and he has won. Every day around this world good women and men pass quietly away, the world did not know them, and it did not love them, but God and those they cared for did. I am so proud to have known such a man and his family, and I want you to know him as well which is why I am writing you. He lived, he mattered, and I will see him again. Legacy does not need to be widely known and publicized to be impactful, if you leave one person behind who knows the purpose of this life because of yours, then you have done well.  

One thing I am going to start mentioning is songs I am listening to and loving- so this writings are…. Need to Breathe- Cages, Judah and the Lion- Suit and Jacket, Radical Face- Always Gold, and Cereus Bright- Stella

Cora- you went from training wheels to riding your bike in about 24 hours. I tried to help you but you really just wanted to do it on your own. After kind of paddling around on your bike you just started riding, you and I went around the block about 10 times the first day- you have been loving it ever since. You ride around quite a bit with Adam, our next door neighbor. The other recent development is you playing volleyball. It’s so fun to watch you play and enjoy yourself, you are so much more confident then you used to be, though I guess there has always been a streak of “I want to do it myself” you were typically shy around others, not so much anymore. You are quite independent which I love, you are so helpful around the house and are growing into such a well-rounded person it is amazing to watch. I am also happy that you are still my sweet little girl, and when you are not biting and punching and wrestling with me you always want to cuddle. I love you so much.

Quinn, or Quinsters as I call you most of the time, Deacon calls you Quins-minsters. I also commonly refer to you as a little monster, a hot mess express, and the family calls you our peacock due to the often heard loud pitched call coming from you! At just over a year old you are fully your own woman, hell bent on what you set your mind to and full of emotional distraught and anger when things don’t go your way. Thankfully you are as cute as can be and provide “loves” often to us all, you typically will walk up and turn your head sideways and lay it on the person you are being affectionate to, then you will smack them a few times in the face while smiling and do it all over again. Your hair looks pretty red to me, and your eyes a beautiful shade of blue. You are our most fearless climber, its never a surprise though is often a shock to find you perched high atop something you should not be, completely and blissfully unaware of the mortal danger. As with your Sister and Brother before you, you and I are getting to be better and better friends as you grow older, you love following around and being part of the fun. Often while I wrestle with your siblings you will walk up and plant yourself on my chest to be included. Our lives are all fuller now that you are here, even the neighborhood kids treasure pulling you around in what has become your little green wagon- JoJo or Sophie especially. I love you with all my heart. 

Family Vacation 2017

Well we successfully completed our first trip out of the country as a family, destination Cancun Mexico! Our family, and the Bishop family headed south with one of your mothers cousins- Caitlyn- who was our much appreciated babysitter during the trip.

The place we stayed was about 20 min south of Cancun, Hacienda Del Secreto. It was beautiful, big white sandy beaches, water that was a light shade of blue green, and was the perfect temperature to swim in. The house was three stories, whitewashed against the sun and salty air, with our own pool and hot tub. Deacon you and Jaxson bunked together in a big boy bed, which we lined with pillows in case either of you rolled out. Cora you slept with Caitlyn, and she eventually set up a pillow between the two of you so she could rest without being kicked all night as you flailed around in your sleep! Quinn you were with Mom and me on the 3^rd floor in your crib.

Cora you played in the ocean non-stop, at least until the sun and saltwater got the best of you. It was a dramatic change from the last time we went in 2014, you hated the waves, and were not too keen on the saltiness either. Deacon you only came around on the final two days of the trip, before that you spent most of your time on the beach playing with Jaxson and building things out of the sand. Quinn, we found plenty of sand that you had eaten in your daily changing time…. But you were a trooper through and through.

Mom and I went ziplining one day, I was tempted to take you with us Cora but am glad I did not, the first line scared me, so I don’t think you would have enjoyed it. Outside of that we mostly stayed at the beach with all of you, swimming, reading, relaxing and just taking it easy. One highlight was that we got to see four sea turtles come on shore and lay their eggs. It was about our third night and we had just finished talking with Sean and Jen, mom decided we should take a stroll down the beach and sure enough- out in the surf we spotted a large dark object moving up on the shore. Mom sprinted back to get Sean and Jen and we all watched as this turtle, which must have been 250-350lbs drug itself up on the shore.

It was amazing to see something in real life that we had only ever before seen on television. This vast ocean and somehow these turtles navigate their way back to where they were hatched. Cora I came and got you out of bed and carried you down to the beach. We watched one of the turtles for about 10 minutes and then you told me “ok daddy I think I’ll go back to bed now”, hard to get as excited when you are 6 and sleep deprived!

One thought I had was that I was doing something with my kids that my parents had never done with me, nor mom’s with her. I didn’t get a passport until I was 23 years old, and now all my children have one. I went out of the country once when I was a teenager to Mexico on a cruise, but I imagine by that time you three will have visited a few countries with us. I was trying to compare what your childhood would be like compared to mine, and how it would shape you.  Cora you were getting used to the finer things in life, you loved eating at the restaurant each night because it was so “fancy”, you will understand someday but for parents there is nothing more enjoyable then knowing your kids are really loving something that you are doing for or with them.

It is so fun for me as a father to help pick out family vacations and what we will do. I don’t quite feel old yet but the experience sure makes me feel that way. Picking out a location, making a budget, building an itinerary and doing all the travel planning, hoping that the whole thing will go smoothly and that everyone will enjoy it. Really my favorite part is watching each of you experience things in your own way, watch different realizations happen and figure out what things resonate with you. Cora you loved the quality time and adventuring in the ocean, playing lots of games with mom and I- and of course the dinners. Deacon you had a great time with Jaxson and on the airplane each direction, but are not quite old enough to really enjoy the difference from the daily routine just yet.

I am looking forward to our next family vacation, wherever it takes us, and for many more to come after that. Some will be relaxing, some adventuresome, some near and some far away. My goal is to see you enjoy life, and for us all to build memories that never leave us.  

Family Cabin

This past weekend we traveled to our family cabin in Prescott. My father and grandfather purchased it when I was young, it was torn down and rebuilt about 15 years ago though, but still resembles the original. When I reflect on my childhood memories of the place I remember a long drive that seemed to always take place at night, eventually we would arrive to the woods, and begin a bumpy ride along which the headlights would illuminate a dark and foreign forest surrounding us. It always felt so mysterious, so adventuresome, not that we had driven a mere 2 hours, but that we were in a new and far away land.

The cabin was old and every step you took was a creaking reminder of its age. There was a small downstairs where the kitchen and a storage room were placed with a deck on the main level, the floor boards of the deck were very narrow and numerous- to the point you almost thought you could fall through. There was a narrow staircase in the middle of the cabin that led to a second floor where there were 3 bedrooms a bathroom, and a family room with a large fireplace. Downstairs was one of my favorite parts of the cabin, a wood burning stove cast of iron that resembled a locomotive engine. My brother and I would continually feed the fire which dispensed its heat through a chimney that ran the course of the cabin. We loved that fireplace, and our grandfather loved helping us maintain the fire.

I remember running to jump into bed with grandpa and grandma in the mornings, I remember falling asleep at night, wondering with my brother if a bigfoot was going to snatch us out of our beds, I remember the woods seemed vast and endless, I remember I always felt a bit sad when we left, as if the cabin was lonely without us, and I wondered how it passed the time until we returned to it.

When I go back now it makes me feel so old! Watching the three of you experience it brings so much joy to my heart, and a bit of longing to be honest- to be young again. Quinn you are still mostly just along for the ride at this point, Cora you are our mountain goat, climbing everywhere and being a brave explorer. This past trip you spend a lot of time decorating a rock with mud “making it beautiful” and also some time making algae cotton candy… scooping algae out of the stream with a stick, which Deacon you also joined in on. Deacon you are not currently a lover of long hikes like your sister, or a sure footed, but you do very well for being just 3 and you take on any challenge with good determination.

I love spending time with my family, away from all the normal distractions. I am overseas again this week in London, and Aberdeen, both in the UK, and will travel to Lisbon Portugal soon. I am so glad I have the memories of the past weekend to reflect back on while missing you all. Going to Lynx lake and finding a stowaway lizard which Cora you and I held, Deacon you used the oar as a cannon to fight of pirates, panning gold in the stream and finding treasures, even just watching a movie together and cuddling on the couch. The thing I hold most dearly in my life is my family, I love each of you so much, and you are all perfect to me in unique ways that make our family whole. Cant wait to get home and see you all, and plan some more adventures!

Midish Life Crisis

Well this one is a bit of a hard one, as I am still somewhat in the midst of figuring it out. On December 17^th we hosted a front yard Friday for the neighborhood at our house. Your father drank too much and that night I noticed my heart feeling funny. Long story short I ended up in the hospital the next morning after your mother listened to me with a stethoscope and decided I should go in.

I was in something called atrial fibrillation, not entirely uncommon, but quite scary for me. It makes your heart contract too quickly, and irregularly, and not properly pump all the blood out. I stayed in the hospital overnight and you all came and visited me. It was the first time I had spent the night as a patient in a hospital, and the first time I have had a serious health issue. It has shaken me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and I am still having bouts of depression over it. Your mother has been so good and supportive to me through this, I cannot imagine doing this alone.

At the same time as this a little boy named Hollis, who’s family attends church with us passed away from a form of cancer called DPIG. It is very rare, currently untreatable, and I believe always fatal. He passed away in early January, just shy of being 8 years old.

All of this to say I have thought about death more in the past two months than I have in the past 32 years. So many questions and uncertainties race through my mind. I have come to some conclusions that I thought I would share with you, they are of course just my own.

If I die tomorrow doesn’t much matter as if I die 50 years from now. Physical death is an unsettling certainty, and thinking of Hollis and so many like him that die so young has led me to the belief life is not about years, it is about securing eternity. The book of Ecclesiastes has writings from the wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. He had power, women, wealth, all the things that men desire, and yet he was not fulfilled by those things. Every day myself and my fellow man chase some or all of these things. If I died a millionaire or penniless it does not change my immortal life, my place in heaven is no more or less secure. If I taste every pleasure on earth it does not soften the blow of death, the longer you live the more you will find pleasure is fleeting in every form and does not satisfy you for long.

I compare myself to Hollis. He was far braver than I will ever be, and from the outside it may seem that his life was not as full as someone like me, but once again, what do years matter in eternity? It says in the bible that there are no tears, no pain, no sorrow in heaven. There can be no longing for what we did not have on earth when we have everything in heaven, a true and lasting fulfillment that none of us can truly understand on earth. The longer I live the more I am convinced that a life focused on eternal existence with God cannot be judged on the content and quality of its earthly existence, it can only be judged on one thing along, did the person know God?, and accept him as their Lord and Savior.

The issue with this line of thinking is the obvious question “so what’s the point of living”? I will do my best to answer for myself but first a favorite quote of mine, “that life is worth living is the most necessary of assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions”. I live my life now around these things: Being a good Husband and Father, being a good neighbor (not geographically limited), following Christ, and doing his will. When I was younger than I am now (still think of myself as young) I lived life for one thing… Pleasure.

The world currently is telling people one thing, again and again, “happiness is in reach”, “contentment is just around the corner”! There is always something you can buy, someone you can have sex with, an alcoholic drink, a medication, a job that leaves you one step away from making it, from being happy, from filling the hole in your life. I lived like that, so will you, it’s natural when you are young, because young people don’t think they will ever die. When your life seems without end you don’t focus on how to prepare for that end, it’s like a class with no set tests or final, you don’t study for something you won’t be taking. My priorities when I was young was to have sex, have fun, and make a good living. That evolved to get married, have nice things, provide for my family, and have adventures. I didn’t preoccupy myself very much with being a good Christian, or following Gods call for my earthly life. I attended and tithed to the church, helped others when I could, but mostly just lived for a good time, and comfortable life.  

Issue is someday comfort comes to an end. Cancer, job loss, relationship issues, other sicknesses, it gets to everyone- eventually. Rich, poor, good, bad, no one escapes suffering in life. I regret this heart thing happened to me, or rather I find myself wishing it did not. But it has served as a turning point, my life is vulnerable, I am vulnerable, and I should live my life in a way that I will feel unashamed about when I die. Once again you cannot earn your way into heaven, but God also understood that you cannot pleasure your way to a full life. We have the example of Solomon I mentioned earlier, there is no (one next experience) that provides a threshold over which we can pass to have achieved a “full life”.

Ok, so what does this matter to you? First, I want you to enjoy being young. A popular verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 11:9 “You who are young, be happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see” one part that is left out when people quote it sometimes is “but know that for all these things God will bring you into judgment”. I want you to have fun when your bodies are young, the world is still vast, and there is nothing like the time in your youth when you are unencumbered by adult life and responsibility. Your mother and I will try to provide you plenty of opportunity for this.

Secondly, I want you to live well, to live knowing there is an end to your race. Do not dwell on death, but focus on living a good Christian life. Help others, even your enemies, be kind and patient, love even when it is not returned, seek ways to share Jesus with others so they too can gain eternal life. Wealth and status and the accolades of the world will not matter once your life is done. I have done a very poor job up to this point of sharing Christ with others, of making it something I am willing to put out there. It can be an uncomfortable business, but it is our primary calling from God.

Lastly, have a heart of gratitude, even in the valleys of life. While in the hospital and after I caught myself feeling jealousy at others that do not have this ailment. I was upset that it happened to me, that there was something wrong inside of me I could not change. How foolish it is to think such things. All around the world there is suffering. Children that never know love- only abuse and neglect, children like Hollis that succumb to terrible diseases, adults that are victims of violence, women who are terrorized and abused by men, all manner of evil and injustice. Ultimately, we can look to Jesus, a man who lived a sinless life, but who was tortured and murdered in a terrible manner, if a perfect man was not free from suffering how can we expect to be, how can we complain? The only defeat that awaits us as believers is the one we inflict on ourselves.

One final word. If I die before you are grown know that I will see you again, that I was not afraid or sad, and that I have no regrets about what I did not yet accomplish in life. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I have my sight for Gods wonders, my ears have heard beautiful music, my heart has loved your mother and been filled with love by her in a manner I never knew possible when I was young- or even for the first few years of our marriage. I met all 3 of you, got to kiss and hold you close, watch you grow and see how wonderful the gift of life is from God, how miraculously and wonderfully you were formed. My legs traveled the world wider than I thought possible, but in all my travels I began to long more and more for home where you all were. I will never do anything as great as helping to bring the three of you into this world. I want for nothing, God has given me more than I could ever warrant.

Quinn- you smile all the time, you reach out with your little hands and grab people’s faces now. Your eyes are so big and blue and bright, nearly 7 months old now and I think you have accepted me as a distant second to having your mother hold you. Your sister and brother dote upon you. You squeal with delight so often, and have become a good little eater of food. We love you and your fuzzy strawberry blonde hair, according to Cora you have gotten more kisses than anyone else as there are 4 of us to kiss you all the time.

Cora- we just had our first father daughter date/ dance. We went to Federal pizza and played games and talked about school, your friends, what foods each of us love, music, all kinds of things. We danced like crazy and then you ran all around with your friends from school. You are so tall and beautiful, so kind and silly. I love your imagination, I love how you are silly like me. My big girl, you help out so much around the house. The neighbors just did a lemonade stand- you LOVED selling things, maybe someday you will follow me into a career in sales, whatever you decide on I know you will be fantastic. 

Matriarch

On November 9^th 2016 your Great Grandmother Dolores Caroline Prindiville passed away. She was my last remaining Grandparent on this earth, she was a matriarch in every sense of the word, and many will miss her.     

Grandma lived 93 years, she was born in 1923. When she was born the use of electricity in homes was not widespread, the second world war had not begun, she could not vote, black people in America had almost no equality, and the great depression was only a few short years away. She began her life only 93 years ago, and yet at the end almost everything that “was”, “is”, no longer. 93 years, most never will see that many days, that many hours. At times life reminds me of a line for JRR Tolkien, “the young perish and the old linger”, however, your Great Grandmother did not do much lingering.

I have come to a moment in my life that has puzzled me somewhat. I have accomplished as much as I dreamt when I was young, and I am living a reality that was once only a desire of my heart. I completed school, married a beautiful woman, fathered children, traveled the world, and have a fulfilling and challenging career. I often say that I am already too old to die young, yet if I make it to your Great Grandmothers age I still have two lifetimes ahead of me at the moment of this writing.

I would caution you this about time, it is easy to subtract from it, impossible to add to it, and that the greater quantity is not indicative of a greater quality. At some point you will begin to dictate what happens in your life, and your path through it. You can choose to believe you are a victim of the world and helpless in your fate, or you can decide no one other than you is responsible for your life, and take charge of it. Every moment you spend cannot be reclaimed, but that does not mean that all lazy days are wasted time. When you look at something as vast as 93 years with a microscope, moments, even months can seem mundane, but when you look at years the true nature of a life takes form.

Your Great Grandmother endured hardships that I feel would crush people of my time. She was raised going without comforts that we take for granted daily. When she became a woman she married and had 8 children, when those children were grown she gained an education as a nurse and began to care for strangers instead of her offspring. When she had diligently saved she traveled the world, from adventures in the Amazon rain forest, to China and a lot of places in between. She lived many lives during her 93 years, she gave birth to what would become generations and generations of lives, and at the end she quietly slipped from this world, unknown to the masses, but loved by many. How will you measure a life well lived? When you look to your Matriarch I hope you will agree she did well.