You are my daughter, my little girl. I am so happy just to type it let alone think about it. I am sitting in a hotel room right now in Salt Lake City just smiling. I had three dreams that I was having a boy, but somehow I felt all along you would be a girl. I guess even with my mind toying with me as I slept I could not be swayed in my heart from feeling that you would be my little girl.
To raise a daughter; I am not certain I have even begun to grasp what that will require. Though one thing I know for certain is that it will require me to let your mothers creativity go wild- I think to this point she has spent 20 hours or so dreaming up how to decorate your room!
What do I know of women? I know of my mothers strength. When my family was split apart she held us together and always made where we lived feel like home, even when the location changed so often. I never felt afraid because I knew of her strong love and that I would always be cared for. She taught me about how much forgiveness can cost, and what true forgiveness looks like. She is an amazing testament to the strength that can come from letting God heal your heart. She taught me how to grow and be independent, but also how to keep sweetness as a part of my life, she looked deeply into me and understood how to let me grow and how to help guide me on my path
Speaking of sweetness you will soon meet your Grandma Turner. She has taught me of grace, patience and selflessness. It is amazing sometimes to watch certain people and realize what truly gives them joy in life. Most seek it, few find it, those that do have a purpose that enriches their lives and the lives of all they come into contact with. Your Grandmothers are amazing women, and they will help shape your life.
I have been blessed with good friends, and they have been blessed by God with wonderful wives. These women also can not wait to meet you, your parents are the last to join the ranks of parenthood and you have been eagerly anticipated. I hope you will notice as I have the wonderful relationships each of these women have with God and how that shapes their relationships with their husbands. They live with principles and convictions, and they bless their husbands and children with both, and with their unbounded love. I know they will be a part of your life and I am so happy you will be surrounded by women you can admire and learn so much from. I can not wait for you too meet them.
Lastly but most importantly there is your mother. No other women will shape your life as much as she; and for that I am truly grateful. I never had even skimmed the surface of understanding women until I met you mother, and what I thought I knew was quite misguided. For one, your father was a bit sexist, it took her about three years to help me see my ignorance, but looking back I often wonder how I could have been so misguided. I guess I never truly saw women’s goodness until I saw my darkness, I never saw their wisdom until I came to the end of mine, and I never knew love before God challenged me to lay down my life for your mother.
When I think of your mother my heart swells with pride and adoration. The fact that she is a nurse speaks of her character. Most mistake her at first glance for anything but what she truly is; there is a depth that is perhaps known only to me.Your mother is a faithful woman. She waits for God, and though she knows not the hour of his arrival, she has remained steadfast through some impossible trials. My wife is selfless. If there is a need she will work diligently to fill it, even if it means going without or outside of her comfort zone, she does not act begrudgingly, but with a heart that finds joy in blessing others. Your mother is righteous and upright. To know God is to follow Him, your mother has always been a respectable woman that conducts herself in a way that brings her honor and admiration. Her relationship with God is at the center of her life, and when you look at her world you can not help but to see his fingerprint. My wife is honest. I will warn you now, she will not settle for your second best. She has compelled me, often against my will to be the man I could, and not the man I had settled into accepting.
There is nothing insincere in your mother, she is forthright with friends and strangers, never pushing our mistakes into the darkens to make it look as though she is perfect. She knows we stumble, but she knows God is strong enough to raise us back up if we extend our hand. Your mother, my wife, is breathtakingly beautiful. I have about 20 to 30 snapshots of her in my mind that different situations will trigger. For instance, whenever I think of Prescott I see her in my arms the first time we danced, she raises her head and looks up at me, and it just takes all the silly distractions of the world and erases them from my mind.
True beauty is not to be found with your eyes though. You will feel it in her arms, hear it in her voice, and know it in your heart when you speak with her. The longer you know her, the greater your appreciation will grow. The biggest complement that I can pay her is at the same time my single greatest hope for you; that you would grow up to be your mothers daughter.
My sweet little girl, I have much to learn about being a daddy. But as you see, I have so many wonderful women to help me. I have secretly wished for you for so long, and now I pray for you every night. Goodnight sweetheart. Your Daddy loves you forever and always.
Sunday, July 18, 2010
Wednesday, July 7, 2010
Last week I got a call from your mother, I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. She had received the results of a blood test back and the results said that she had contracted a virus called CMV. There was a 50% chance that you could get it from her, and that if you did it could result in numerous negative outcomes.
I was at a work meeting in Maumee Ohio. I stayed on the phone with her for hours as we tryed to wrap our heads around what was happening. I began to call our family and friends that night to pray for you, that God would protect and if necessary heal you. I felt their support in that night as I laid awake with a pain in my heart. You should know that before you even entered this world people were praying for you, and their hearts went out to you.
The next morning I managed to catch an early flight home. I took your mother to get a test done that would examine the amniotic fluid to see if you had gotten the virus, it took 2 days to get the results back. We received the call Friday afternoon that you were ok and had not gotten the virus, we both immediately prayed and thanked God that he was watching over you and keeping you from harm.
When I was in the airport flying home I saw a father pushing his daughter in a wheelchair, she appeared to be physically handicapped from birth. I looked and knew that I could very well be that father in a number of years, I was afraid because of the unknown, but not because I doubted my love for you for even a single instant. I feared how others would judge you, look at you, fell uncomfortable around you and even pity you if that was to be your fate and I felt angry inside. You are already my daughter and I don’t know how I could ever love you more no matter how you are born or what takes place in your life. I will always protect and defend you, your body and soul, your precious heart, your sweet spirit.
We all fear the unknown, more so we fear what we can not control. Your mother had no idea her patient even had the virus, the driver in the intersection has no idea of the car speeding towards him through a red light, a soldier does not know which of the enemies rifles are pointed at him. Each of us face uncertain peril every day, and at any moment God could call us home. What carries us forward is the knowledge that it is God we return to, and that through him all things are worked for the good. We learn and we grow, we dare and we persevere through trial, because a life of timidity is no life at all. We follow the example of our Lord Jesus who undertook more suffering than any and yet remained true to his purpose. He is our strength, He will be with you, with me, and with your mother forever.
For the first time in my life thus far I have felt what it is to be a father; for to be a father is to care first and foremost about your family. You were all I thought of, all I prayed for, and all that passed through my mind. I felt you inside me and knew that I could have no joy in this life if yours was at risk. I found myself just staring at your mommies belly. I whispered things you will never remember, but that will always be true, and as I did so many people prayed for things you never heard. Those prayers surrounded you just like your mothers womb and will continue to do so long after you leave it. You were loved before you were known, and you will be loved no matter how you come to be know. You are my daughter, and I am forever your father, you are loved greatly and will always be.
I was at a work meeting in Maumee Ohio. I stayed on the phone with her for hours as we tryed to wrap our heads around what was happening. I began to call our family and friends that night to pray for you, that God would protect and if necessary heal you. I felt their support in that night as I laid awake with a pain in my heart. You should know that before you even entered this world people were praying for you, and their hearts went out to you.
The next morning I managed to catch an early flight home. I took your mother to get a test done that would examine the amniotic fluid to see if you had gotten the virus, it took 2 days to get the results back. We received the call Friday afternoon that you were ok and had not gotten the virus, we both immediately prayed and thanked God that he was watching over you and keeping you from harm.
When I was in the airport flying home I saw a father pushing his daughter in a wheelchair, she appeared to be physically handicapped from birth. I looked and knew that I could very well be that father in a number of years, I was afraid because of the unknown, but not because I doubted my love for you for even a single instant. I feared how others would judge you, look at you, fell uncomfortable around you and even pity you if that was to be your fate and I felt angry inside. You are already my daughter and I don’t know how I could ever love you more no matter how you are born or what takes place in your life. I will always protect and defend you, your body and soul, your precious heart, your sweet spirit.
We all fear the unknown, more so we fear what we can not control. Your mother had no idea her patient even had the virus, the driver in the intersection has no idea of the car speeding towards him through a red light, a soldier does not know which of the enemies rifles are pointed at him. Each of us face uncertain peril every day, and at any moment God could call us home. What carries us forward is the knowledge that it is God we return to, and that through him all things are worked for the good. We learn and we grow, we dare and we persevere through trial, because a life of timidity is no life at all. We follow the example of our Lord Jesus who undertook more suffering than any and yet remained true to his purpose. He is our strength, He will be with you, with me, and with your mother forever.
For the first time in my life thus far I have felt what it is to be a father; for to be a father is to care first and foremost about your family. You were all I thought of, all I prayed for, and all that passed through my mind. I felt you inside me and knew that I could have no joy in this life if yours was at risk. I found myself just staring at your mommies belly. I whispered things you will never remember, but that will always be true, and as I did so many people prayed for things you never heard. Those prayers surrounded you just like your mothers womb and will continue to do so long after you leave it. You were loved before you were known, and you will be loved no matter how you come to be know. You are my daughter, and I am forever your father, you are loved greatly and will always be.
Friday, July 2, 2010
I went to a meeting today with an organization called Streetlight. It is a place for young women who have been sexually exploited to go, heal, learn, and begin a new life. I guess I am technically a father now, though I have yet to hold you in my arms you are very real. I could not be there without thinking of you.
I see evil, I want to shield you from it, but someday you too will see it, feel it, and learn of the traps and trespasses of life that cause so much misery and solitude. According to the staff that runs the facility, most young women are exploited around age 13, sometimes even younger. They have no choice. They have no one to protect them. Their captors and exploiters don’t see them as human, because they themselves have long ago lost their humanity. I feel such anguish in my soul when I imagine you being in any situation such as that.
As your father, perhaps above all is my instinct to protect you and your mother. I sometimes fail to take opportunities to steel myself for that very task. When a man thinks of protection his mind more often than not turns to violence. The furry he would unleash upon those who threatened what was his. I don’t speak of that, your father has many guns, my capability to protect you physically is not my worry. I want to raise you in a way that gives us both spiritual strength, and that is what worries me most.
How do I keep you from the evils of life while preparing you to meet them alone someday? How do I raise you to live righteously before God and your peers? How can I expect to guide you when I am not sure of the path? I made plenty of missteps in life, I hurt others, behaved selfishly, neglected Gods will and purposely put myself on the path to destruction. And that was merely yesterday.
To rehabilitate these young women takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I guess it would be akin to smashing a sculpture to bits, then being handed a bottle of glue and told to repair it. Our souls are delicate things. One thing the leaders kept saying is that it has to be a safe place, that is the first goal, to let these women know that perhaps for the first time in their entire lives they are safe. There is someone who cares about them as much or more than themselves and they will not leave them. I think that too is where I will start with you.
I will be that safe place. From when you begin to cry as an infant to the time you cry as a teenager. Sometimes this world just is too much, we get confused, we make mistakes, sometimes we do terrible things. I will never judge you; I will never turn my back on you or cease to offer love and support. You and I will start there, the rest of my questions will be worked out along the way, but that is where we will start. I will be your safe place through the turmoil of this life. I am your father and you will be forever loved.
I see evil, I want to shield you from it, but someday you too will see it, feel it, and learn of the traps and trespasses of life that cause so much misery and solitude. According to the staff that runs the facility, most young women are exploited around age 13, sometimes even younger. They have no choice. They have no one to protect them. Their captors and exploiters don’t see them as human, because they themselves have long ago lost their humanity. I feel such anguish in my soul when I imagine you being in any situation such as that.
As your father, perhaps above all is my instinct to protect you and your mother. I sometimes fail to take opportunities to steel myself for that very task. When a man thinks of protection his mind more often than not turns to violence. The furry he would unleash upon those who threatened what was his. I don’t speak of that, your father has many guns, my capability to protect you physically is not my worry. I want to raise you in a way that gives us both spiritual strength, and that is what worries me most.
How do I keep you from the evils of life while preparing you to meet them alone someday? How do I raise you to live righteously before God and your peers? How can I expect to guide you when I am not sure of the path? I made plenty of missteps in life, I hurt others, behaved selfishly, neglected Gods will and purposely put myself on the path to destruction. And that was merely yesterday.
To rehabilitate these young women takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I guess it would be akin to smashing a sculpture to bits, then being handed a bottle of glue and told to repair it. Our souls are delicate things. One thing the leaders kept saying is that it has to be a safe place, that is the first goal, to let these women know that perhaps for the first time in their entire lives they are safe. There is someone who cares about them as much or more than themselves and they will not leave them. I think that too is where I will start with you.
I will be that safe place. From when you begin to cry as an infant to the time you cry as a teenager. Sometimes this world just is too much, we get confused, we make mistakes, sometimes we do terrible things. I will never judge you; I will never turn my back on you or cease to offer love and support. You and I will start there, the rest of my questions will be worked out along the way, but that is where we will start. I will be your safe place through the turmoil of this life. I am your father and you will be forever loved.
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