You were born on a Monday morning, November 8th 2010. I am not going to say something that sounds all too common and overdone, such as – the moment I saw you my world changed forever- but I am going to say that the last month of my life has been an entirely new path that has filled me with more joy and purpose than I have ever known.
You have been a part of this world for one month. I thought I may use this occasion to tell you a little about your birth, and how your father felt about it all. First thing to say is that much like your mother you were late, and for once your mother was not happy about someone being late! She drank castor oil, walked stairs at the mall, and even tried acupuncture! If there was a tea that could be drank or an exotic herb to rub into your skin she tried it. Sunday night, five days after her due date, right after I fell asleep she woke me up with “I heard a pop, I think my water just broke”. She labored most of the night at home, got to the hospital at 7:20 am and delivered you at 8:59am. She didn’t use any drugs, and she made it look easy. I am not sure I fully realized how tough your mom was before that day.
There is an energy that fills a labor room, this electric expectation that is flowing through everyone, or at least it was flowing through me. I was so anxious to finally meet you, to see your sweet face and hold you in my arms. I actually got to catch you! You had the cord wrapped around your neck three times, but as soon as it was loose you let out quite a scream. I cried as I stood over you while they cleaned you up, I think I just had to show on the outside what I couldn’t keep inside any longer, the immense love that like you, had been growing for nine months.
We didn’t have a name for you that first day. There were two names we had picked out but we hadn’t decided. In fact, I didn’t decide until late that first night. We had to have you under something called billi lights. You and mom are different blood types and I guess that means you are more prone to jaundice. Well, you didn’t like being under the lights, your eyes covered and not a stitch of clothing except your diaper. You kept waking up and flailing and I felt so bad, but I found if I held your feet that would calm you down, and so you spent your first night on earth with me holding your feet as you slept. That night I felt your name was Cora, I hope you like it.
People will say that fatherhood changes you. I cant say I am changed, I like the same music, activities, food, and most other things I liked before you were born. I would say I am more complete though, and that I am learning about a new kind of love. I think about you all the time, I kiss you all the time, and you are so darn cute I just want to hug you and hug you. One of my favorite things is when you sleep on my chest. I feel your little lungs rising and falling, and I hope you hear my heart beating steadily, I hope you think “this is my daddy and he loves me, this is his heart” and now, it is also yours.
I know you will not be so young forever. To look at you and be reminded that once I was that young baffles me. I feel so old when I look at you, as my parents must have felt when they looked at me. I enjoy each day for what it is, and because it seems like each day you change a little. Someday I will wake up and you will be gone and married and giving me grandkids to spoil, time runs together like that when you look back, unless you put down bookmarks in your memory of your favorite pages. Hopefully this journal will continue to be a place to store those bookmarks for both of us.
Tonight I kissed you and you smiled. You probably didn’t mean too, but it melted my heart. Each night I look at you a hundred times, I wrap my arm around you and breathe deep enough to be comforted by your sweet smell. I love you Cora, I am so honored to be your father.

          I just deleted about 3 paragraphs of writing. I was trying to be serious and tell you some really important stuff, but I just kind of want to talk to you so I think I will keep it as light as I can and just write from a different place. I am actually on a plane right now, sitting in first class on my way to a meeting in Dallas! I miss you already, you have been quite active inside mommys tummy lately, lots of kicks and moving about. I sure do love to see and feel you move. Its so strange to love you so much already and your just a tinny little baby inside your mother.
         So what to write about. How about this I will tell you some more about your mother and I. How about something really juicy, our first kiss! Ok so first the back-story, your mother and I had been dating for a few weeks and I found out that she had never slow danced with a man. We had a trip up to our cabin in Prescott and I decided it would be a great time to give her that first dance. I took her on a quad ride to your Grandfathers cabin and set up candles and a cd player while she was upstairs. I invited her down and started the music and asked her to dance. Feeling in the moment I asked if I could kiss her… and she turned me down! After all that work I still got the cold shoulder, well not exactly cold, she told me that she did not intend to kiss a man until she knew she was going to marry him, and I was not there yet. I promised to never ask her again to respect her decision- and by the way, if you want a mans respect you need to respect yourself as your mother did- I am certain she will teach you all about it.
        Well a few weeks later we found ourselves alone in my bedroom. I was most likely being very romantic and sweet and then your mother looked at me with a look that told me something good was about to happen. I don’t remember all the details but I remember this, she said “ask me again”, I was slightly confused and said, “ask you what”, to which she replied “ask me what you asked me at your cabin”. Well I knew it was go time however, respecting her as I did and knowing the importance of the occasion I asked if she was certain this is what she wanted. She affirmed her decision and our lips met for the first time.
        I will have you know that I am the only man she has ever kissed, I would really appreciate it if you could do the same- and in fact your heart will appreciate it as well. You see each time you share yourself with someone you leave something with them, some part of your heart, your mind, your spirit. Its kind of like you imprint on them and the more people you imprint on the less moving it becomes to your spirit to do so. Now this kind of old fashioned thinking flys in the face of today’s enlightened thinking, so I am sure it will be even more out of fashion when you become a young woman. I will see to it as much as I can that the men in your life respect you in every way. If they do not I will not respect them, which means I will not hesitate to remove them from your life with as much force as I can use short of being arrested.
        You know what I remember most about kissing your mother? I remember knowing she would be the last woman I kissed. I savored the moment because it was not some casual waste of my passion. I know someday you will have your fist kiss. I kind of freak out about it, and I will do my best to delay it as much as possible, but someday he will come. I can only hope he has the Lord in his heart and the desire to learn how to care for your spirit. In the meantime I will give you all the kisses and hugs and attention you want. I will warn you of all of my sexes sneaky ways and BS to prepare you. I will be the first man in your heart, until God brings the man who will take you from me, and fulfill a part of your heart I will never be able to.

I love you sweetheart. I cant wait to write again, sorry its been awhile. Love you tons and tons.

           You are my daughter, my little girl. I am so happy just to type it let alone think about it. I am sitting in a hotel room right now in Salt Lake City just smiling. I had three dreams that I was having a boy, but somehow I felt all along you would be a girl. I guess even with my mind toying with me as I slept I could not be swayed in my heart from feeling that you would be my little girl.
          To raise a daughter; I am not certain I have even begun to grasp what that will require. Though one thing I know for certain is that it will require me to let your mothers creativity go wild- I think to this point she has spent 20 hours or so dreaming up how to decorate your room!
         What do I know of women? I know of my mothers strength. When my family was split apart she held us together and always made where we lived feel like home, even when the location changed so often. I never felt afraid because I knew of her strong love and that I would always be cared for. She taught me about how much forgiveness can cost, and what true forgiveness looks like. She is an amazing testament to the strength that can come from letting God heal your heart. She taught me how to grow and be independent, but also how to keep sweetness as a part of my life, she looked deeply into me and understood how to let me grow and how to help guide me on my path
          Speaking of sweetness you will soon meet your Grandma Turner. She has taught me of grace, patience and selflessness. It is amazing sometimes to watch certain people and realize what truly gives them joy in life. Most seek it, few find it, those that do have a purpose that enriches their lives and the lives of all they come into contact with. Your Grandmothers are amazing women, and they will help shape your life.
          I have been blessed with good friends, and they have been blessed by God with wonderful wives. These women also can not wait to meet you, your parents are the last to join the ranks of parenthood and you have been eagerly anticipated. I hope you will notice as I have the wonderful relationships each of these women have with God and how that shapes their relationships with their husbands. They live with principles and convictions, and they bless their husbands and children with both, and with their unbounded love. I know they will be a part of your life and I am so happy you will be surrounded by women you can admire and learn so much from. I can not wait for you too meet them.
         Lastly but most importantly there is your mother. No other women will shape your life as much as she; and for that I am truly grateful. I never had even skimmed the surface of understanding women until I met you mother, and what I thought I knew was quite misguided. For one, your father was a bit sexist, it took her about three years to help me see my ignorance, but looking back I often wonder how I could have been so misguided. I guess I never truly saw women’s goodness until I saw my darkness, I never saw their wisdom until I came to the end of mine, and I never knew love before God challenged me to lay down my life for your mother.
         When I think of your mother my heart swells with pride and adoration. The fact that she is a nurse speaks of her character. Most mistake her at first glance for anything but what she truly is; there is a depth that is perhaps known only to me.Your mother is a faithful woman. She waits for God, and though she knows not the hour of his arrival, she has remained steadfast through some impossible trials. My wife is selfless. If there is a need she will work diligently to fill it, even if it means going without or outside of her comfort zone, she does not act begrudgingly, but with a heart that finds joy in blessing others. Your mother is righteous and upright. To know God is to follow Him, your mother has always been a respectable woman that conducts herself in a way that brings her honor and admiration. Her relationship with God is at the center of her life, and when you look at her world you can not help but to see his fingerprint. My wife is honest. I will warn you now, she will not settle for your second best. She has compelled me, often against my will to be the man I could, and not the man I had settled into accepting.
          There is nothing insincere in your mother, she is forthright with friends and strangers, never pushing our mistakes into the darkens to make it look as though she is perfect. She knows we stumble, but she knows God is strong enough to raise us back up if we extend our hand. Your mother, my wife, is breathtakingly beautiful. I have about 20 to 30 snapshots of her in my mind that different situations will trigger. For instance, whenever I think of Prescott I see her in my arms the first time we danced, she raises her head and looks up at me, and it just takes all the silly distractions of the world and erases them from my mind.
         True beauty is not to be found with your eyes though. You will feel it in her arms, hear it in her voice, and know it in your heart when you speak with her. The longer you know her, the greater your appreciation will grow. The biggest complement that I can pay her is at the same time my single greatest hope for you; that you would grow up to be your mothers daughter.
         My sweet little girl, I have much to learn about being a daddy. But as you see, I have so many wonderful women to help me. I have secretly wished for you for so long, and now I pray for you every night. Goodnight sweetheart. Your Daddy loves you forever and always.

           Last week I got a call from your mother, I could tell by her voice that something was wrong. She had received the results of a blood test back and the results said that she had contracted a virus called CMV. There was a 50% chance that you could get it from her, and that if you did it could result in numerous negative outcomes.
          I was at a work meeting in Maumee Ohio. I stayed on the phone with her for hours as we tryed to wrap our heads around what was happening. I began to call our family and friends that night to pray for you, that God would protect and if necessary heal you. I felt their support in that night as I laid awake with a pain in my heart. You should know that before you even entered this world people were praying for you, and their hearts went out to you.
         The next morning I managed to catch an early flight home. I took your mother to get a test done that would examine the amniotic fluid to see if you had gotten the virus, it took 2 days to get the results back. We received the call Friday afternoon that you were ok and had not gotten the virus, we both immediately prayed and thanked God that he was watching over you and keeping you from harm.
         When I was in the airport flying home I saw a father pushing his daughter in a wheelchair, she appeared to be physically handicapped from birth. I looked and knew that I could very well be that father in a number of years, I was afraid because of the unknown, but not because I doubted my love for you for even a single instant. I feared how others would judge you, look at you, fell uncomfortable around you and even pity you if that was to be your fate and I felt angry inside. You are already my daughter and I don’t know how I could ever love you more no matter how you are born or what takes place in your life. I will always protect and defend you, your body and soul, your precious heart, your sweet spirit.
         We all fear the unknown, more so we fear what we can not control. Your mother had no idea her patient even had the virus, the driver in the intersection has no idea of the car speeding towards him through a red light, a soldier does not know which of the enemies rifles are pointed at him. Each of us face uncertain peril every day, and at any moment God could call us home. What carries us forward is the knowledge that it is God we return to, and that through him all things are worked for the good. We learn and we grow, we dare and we persevere through trial, because a life of timidity is no life at all. We follow the example of our Lord Jesus who undertook more suffering than any and yet remained true to his purpose. He is our strength, He will be with you, with me, and with your mother forever.
         For the first time in my life thus far I have felt what it is to be a father; for to be a father is to care first and foremost about your family. You were all I thought of, all I prayed for, and all that passed through my mind. I felt you inside me and knew that I could have no joy in this life if yours was at risk. I found myself just staring at your mommies belly. I whispered things you will never remember, but that will always be true, and as I did so many people prayed for things you never heard. Those prayers surrounded you just like your mothers womb and will continue to do so long after you leave it. You were loved before you were known, and you will be loved no matter how you come to be know. You are my daughter, and I am forever your father, you are loved greatly and will always be.

            I went to a meeting today with an organization called Streetlight. It is a place for young women who have been sexually exploited to go, heal, learn, and begin a new life. I guess I am technically a father now, though I have yet to hold you in my arms you are very real. I could not be there without thinking of you.
           I see evil, I want to shield you from it, but someday you too will see it, feel it, and learn of the traps and trespasses of life that cause so much misery and solitude. According to the staff that runs the facility, most young women are exploited around age 13, sometimes even younger. They have no choice. They have no one to protect them. Their captors and exploiters don’t see them as human, because they themselves have long ago lost their humanity. I feel such anguish in my soul when I imagine you being in any situation such as that.
           As your father, perhaps above all is my instinct to protect you and your mother. I sometimes fail to take opportunities to steel myself for that very task. When a man thinks of protection his mind more often than not turns to violence. The furry he would unleash upon those who threatened what was his. I don’t speak of that, your father has many guns, my capability to protect you physically is not my worry. I want to raise you in a way that gives us both spiritual strength, and that is what worries me most.
           How do I keep you from the evils of life while preparing you to meet them alone someday? How do I raise you to live righteously before God and your peers? How can I expect to guide you when I am not sure of the path? I made plenty of missteps in life, I hurt others, behaved selfishly, neglected Gods will and purposely put myself on the path to destruction. And that was merely yesterday.
          To rehabilitate these young women takes a lot of patience and perseverance. I guess it would be akin to smashing a sculpture to bits, then being handed a bottle of glue and told to repair it. Our souls are delicate things. One thing the leaders kept saying is that it has to be a safe place, that is the first goal, to let these women know that perhaps for the first time in their entire lives they are safe. There is someone who cares about them as much or more than themselves and they will not leave them. I think that too is where I will start with you.
          I will be that safe place. From when you begin to cry as an infant to the time you cry as a teenager. Sometimes this world just is too much, we get confused, we make mistakes, sometimes we do terrible things. I will never judge you; I will never turn my back on you or cease to offer love and support. You and I will start there, the rest of my questions will be worked out along the way, but that is where we will start. I will be your safe place through the turmoil of this life. I am your father and you will be forever loved.

         Well today is your parents 5 year anniversary. In our 5th year we added to our family, not counting the furry ridgebacks you are soon to meet. I thought this may be an occasion to tell you a brief story of how your mother and I met.
          The first time I remember seeing your mother was the new semester, my first at Paradise Valley Community College. We were in English 102 and our teacher took us to the library to show us how to do research for our papers, and there she was. Her hair was very short, and very blonde, just peaking out of a brown and white beanie. She had a white jean jacket on and for the life of me I cant recall what else she was wearing, though in my mind it is a skirt, she used to wear short skirts quite often, but most likely never will again being a mother and all. My loss.
        I didn’t get up the courage to speak to her for quite some time, though I did glance back at her often enough to leave little doubt as to my interests. I believed I was doing it rather unnoticed, but she would disagree, perhaps because she was always gazing at me as well, perhaps not, but we may never know.
        My opportunity to speak to her came when our teacher decided we should do group projects. I knew then I had to be in her group and needed to come up with a way to take chance out of the equation. Our teacher requested that we write down 2-3 interests on the back of a note card and turn them in. Not knowing what your mother would write down I simply waited till she stood up to turn hers in, followed her and flipped over her card and copied it once she had finished. Just to give you some insight into your mother she wrote down Politics and Public Policy. I was in her group, and from that moment on we were a part of one another’s lives.
       I passed her a note after a test one day asking her out. She took an excruciating amount of time to write back- you will learn she chooses her words carefully. We soon went on our first date….. all the way to her parents house, she was 16 at the time! That is where I will leave off for now. I figured I could write about us, before I begin writing about you. Just to let you know there are a lot of people anxiously awaiting your arrival.
       I think you will find that is the way life goes. It is really a passing of one big event to the next, and when you look back you mostly see the larger events, seasoned by the smaller that occur on the way to prepare, enrich, cheer, and challenge you. I hope you will savor those moments in life. Moments like the ones above. At the time I could recall even the smallest details, but now I am left only with those I took in deeply. Stop and take time in your life. So many of us hurry from one thing to the next without ever pausing for even a moment. Spending just 20 seconds to really absorb something may pay the dividend of being in your mind the rest of your life.

I love you. Your mother loves you. God loves you.

            I will never forget the first time I saw you. Your mother and I were very anxious, she more than I. We found our that you were a part of our life on a vacation to Jamaica, it was a Wednesday morning, it was a beautiful day. You were almost not real then, just a few digital letters on a stick that said “pregnant”.
           The morning of our first doctors appointment we anxiously awaited the ultrasound. As the doctor searched for you we held our breath with anticipation. Suddenly there was life, right before my eyes. I could see your heart, your tiny beautiful heartbeat, I knew when I saw that beating heart you were alive, you were real, and you would forever be loved.
           My child, I feel you inside of me. I feel your heart. I long to protect you, to nurture you, to love you and to guide you through this life as long as I am with you. You must forgive me this though, I lack wisdom, and sometimes strength. God has been kind to me, he has given me grace, and so I hope that you too will grant me that gift. Your heart will grow with you, it will keep pace with you, beating out a rhythm like a song. The song is yours to write, yours to measure and shape. When I think of you I hear your music, I hear it and my heart feels you inside of me.
           God has blessed me; first with your mother, now with you. God, grant me the wisdom to guide, the patience to learn, the strength to nurture, and the heart to love. I will be your father forever, and you will be my joy. My beautiful wife holds you now, she will bless you beyond what I can imagine, she will always be your mother.

I will never forget the first time I saw you.