I have been
thinking a lot about times I have failed in my life. Not necessarily a happy
subject, but one I go back to from time to time in order to avoid the mistakes
of my past while preparing for my future.
Some of my failures have been
more about my career, like when I tried to become a police officer, but was
barred because I had sold my friends some prescription pain pills. Now, before
you start imagining that I was a drug dealer I will tell you that I didn’t make
more than $8 and only sold them because I did not want to take them myself.
That was a tough time, getting rejected from a job I felt called to do, but I
have a great job now that I am very grateful for and fulfilled by. I also think
about the years I wasted so much time after graduating college. I had my job
which paid well and was challenging but looking back I know I had too much
spare time that I should have put into getting my MBA or otherwise improving
myself. I don’t want to say that I am ungrateful for all the good things that
happened those years, but I just wish I would have pushed myself to be at my
best.
Some failures have to do with
hurting loved ones. I think about the time I got back from Catalina Island in
the 6th grade. I think I was gone 3 nights, my first time away from
home without my parents for that long. My mom was so excited to see me when I
got home and she said something like “come over here and give me a hug” but I
walked right by her. I don’t know why I did it; maybe I thought it would make
me feel more grown up. The one thing I do know is I have regretted the way it
hurt her ever since. I mean this is so many years after it happened and yet I
can go back to that moment and relive the way it happened so vividly.
Another one that comes to mind
is when your Aunt Stephanie and Uncle Rory had a miscarriage. We were, and
hopefully as you are reading this still are, close friends with them. We had
grown somewhat apart from them around that time, I don’t know why, sometimes it
just happens. I think I might have called Rory to say I was sorry about what
had happened, but I never went over, never did anything to show how much I
cared and felt for them in their grief. I have always prided myself as being
the kind of friend that is there no matter what. I think about that time and
how I failed them and I feel so much regret. Sometimes you don’t necessarily
hurt another person with your actions, but inside you know without a doubt you
should have done more, even though no one was expecting you to.
Then there is your mother. We
had a very rough couple of years of marriage, fights and harsh words and bitter
resentment. In retrospect it was a continual failure of mine to be the husband
to her I promised to be, and to be the man God had called me to be. I was
selfish, immature, and focused on my happiness and desires over hers.
Thankfully your mother has more patience, perhaps stubbornness, than most, and
we made it through that time. It doesn’t mean the rest is smooth sailing, it
just means we are in the same boat to help each other now.
Lately my failure has been
altogether different. Your mother and I have miscarried three times now. Each
one seems to hit her harder than the last, and with each I see her hope and joy
drained more and more. I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do or
even feel. I just know I should be doing more for her, but I don’t know what it
looks like. One of the hardest things in life is to watch others suffer and be
unable to help them. Sometimes I even get upset because I don’t understand the
way she feels, how she wants to avoid certain situations and her negative
perspective. I am not saying its ok that I feel that way; I just want to be
honest with you about how I feel and what I struggle with. I have to keep in
mind that each person goes through life in a unique way, and its not up to me
to fix her and force her to see a better way. My job is to love her, support
her, listen, and try my best to understand without judgments. Like in all
married life my job is to be strong, lead by example and carry us through the
dark times when maybe I am the only one with the hope to carry on.
Having you as our sweet little
girl has made us above all things desire more children. We love spending time
with you so much, and watching you grow and change. We take such delight in all
the new things you learn to say and do. Lately you have been so sweet to me,
always coming to find me with a kiss or a hug, wanting to cuddle and play. I
think about you 20 times a day at least when I am traveling for work, in the
airport each child that I see makes me miss you more and more. Knowing you has
been so wonderful that all we want is more of the joy you bring us by being a
part of our family.
Failures are part of life. There
are goals that remain unaccomplished, friends hurt, plans left unfulfilled. Those
missteps make the successes all the sweeter though, they make the success we
find so much more meaningful. I will never forget the triumphs in my life that
came after struggle; the good years of marriage after the bad, graduating from
college after so many tough exams. I hope that your failures lead you to your
greatest accomplishments, that you can come to me always to talk them through,
and that even though there may be tough seasons in your life you will never be
a disappointment to me.
