It has been
a very long time since I have written. The only explanation I have to offer is
that I have felt a sense of shame that made me reluctant to do so. I wrote to
you about our move, about how much stress it placed in my life and my sense of
uncertainty about the path ahead. In December that uncertainty became regret,
and for a time I was mired in it. What I had hoped for failed to come to
fruition and my path ahead felt like a surrender instead of a struggle. Though
I do not think in reality I failed to do what I had planned, I felt like a
failure, and moreover I felt I had endangered my family through my decisions-
and that was difficult to bear.
It took me longer than it should
have do discover the small business I joined was in no shape to take me on and
provide a salary that would support our family. I don’t feel mislead by my
friend, I just feel he did not fully realize the financial situation of his
company as his experience in this area was very limited. I could have stayed
and tried harder to make the effort work, but I found my heart was not in it,
and that the risk to our future was too great. Furthermore, the longer I stayed
the harder it would have ultimately been on my friend if the business was a
failure, and I certainly did not want to be misleading with where my mind was
at.
In the end we parted ways as
well as could be expected, and remain friends. I feel there is a lesson in that
for both of you, namely that if you prioritize your family, but remain
respectful and conscientious of your business partners that not all failures
need to end in bitter feelings and lost relationships. I feel I looked after
our family while at the same time looking after the long term interests of the
House’s and in that I am very satisfied, though I do wish I would have been the
answer they were looking for to turn their business around.
I am finally writing because I
no longer feel defeated, I have what amounts to a dream position and I have
never been more excited about a job in all my life. Your father is now a Global
Sales Manager with Honeywell’s Aerospace Division. Growing up in Phoenix I
always dreamed about working for this company. Not only is the work rewarding
and interesting but I felt a sort of family tie to it as well. The machine shop
your grandfather and great grandfather ran did their work primarily for
Honeywell. When I went for my interview I actually saw some of the products
they had made years ago sitting in a display area. Walking in for my first day
of work I felt a tremendous sense of accomplishment and it filled me with a
great deal of pride and gratitude that God had opened the doors he did.
The moto “all’s well that ends
well”, has some truth to it but it beguiles the fact that things that end well
can start terribly, and the last 6 months have been mostly terrible for me. I
underestimated how much identity and worth I found in my work. Reflecting back
I guess it is because I have found success and upward momentum that feeling
that fall all the way to the rock bottom hurt all the more. In my mind I kept
being haunted by the fact that it was through my decisions I had found myself
in this circumstance, and knowing it would have hurt far less if the decisions
would not have been my own. The fact that life is now back on track only serves
to re-enforce my determination to work harder and smarter to ensure our
families prosperity. I feel like I have something to prove, not only to myself,
but to others as well. I don’t know why I feel that need, and it somewhat
bothers me that I do, I think it is left from when I was between jobs, and I
felt a sense of shame during that time.
I am only at the beginning of
this new journey, and so this writing is still filled with uncertainty, but I
wanted to be genuine with you both before these feelings passed completely.
Failure is a bitter pill, but sooner or later you swallow it, sometimes you get
a few doses. This makes at least two times in my life I have failed at
something I set out to do. My reaction in each circumstance was to throw myself
forward with all possible force and prove my worth, and each time I was
successful thanks to Gods provision and faithfulness. There is another path
that some follow, and I am seeing more and more how it separates the people in
this world from one another.
When failure finds some they
simply give up. They wallow in the grief, they lash out at others and fail to
take responsibility for their own lives, they wish for what was and lose focus
on what could be if only they took the initiative to make their lives their
own. I have never felt entitled to anything, I have always known I had to earn
my keep and prove my worth, it drives me, it encourages me, it helps me to stay
determined and press forward. Success has more to do with your attitude about
life than with the gifts you were given to go through it. People who cannot see
past themselves are destined to never rise high in this world.
I try to always write to you in
order that you know me, and so that you can learn from me. In this case I hope
you learn perseverance and persistence, that you cannot always expect to be
dealt a fair hand and you will have to steel yourself for the challenges that
will certainly come in life. I know one tremendous gift you will be armed with
is our family, the love, support, and acceptance. I want so much to make each
of you proud of me, I want you to admire your father. I love you both so much,
and I am so thankful that God blessed me with both of you, you make me
stronger, more determined, you keep me focused on what is important, and you
have allowed me to better know myself. You are already each a perfect gift, and
for each of you I have unending love.
