We found out today that something went wrong in your mothers pregnancy. The little precious life that was growing inside of her stopped growing. It’s a numbing feeling, coming over you slowly like the cold of the night creeping into your bed. Loss is a terrible thing; sorrow is a painful reminder of why we have faith, what we hold dearest, and what truly matters in this short life.

I was ok until I read Psalms 139. I was ok through not hearing the heartbeat, thinking the ultrasound would reveal life, and I was mostly empty after it did not. I comforted your mother, and I struggled with what to think, what to feel, and then I read about how intimately God knows each of us. How intimately He knew our child, the child I will never know, but the child my heart also longs for.

You were a great comfort to us through this. Your sweet smile and kisses, cuddles and hugs helped to soften the sting. We are so blessed to have you; we do not take you for granted for an instant. As I write to you I feel as though there is a piece of me missing, something I am searching for but cannot find. I wanted so badly to meet the life that was growing inside of your mother, just as I longed to meet you and hold you in this world.

I wonder if it was a son or daughter, what color eyes, hair, how sweet the little voice would be. I wonder if my child knows how much I loved it already, and love it still. I believe that life begins at the moment of conception, that a life two minutes old is as sacred as one twenty years old. I believe I will someday see my child. I know that we never knew its name, but that God always did, and that he called that life home.

My sweet sweet daughter. I would spare you from every pain in this world if I could, but I would certainly spare your from the sweetness of joy, from the lessons of wisdom, and from the grace and abundance of God. There is nothing I do to deserve to live these 28 years, and nothing my child did to live only 10 weeks. I know your brother or sister is in heaven. I know we will meet again someday. I know that there is an end to all things, and I am grateful that I have lived to see the beginning of so much life. “your eyes saw my unformed body; all the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.” Psl 139: 15-16

If love can exist between two people, before one is in existence, and the other aware of who his heart is longing for, surely I have always loved you.