Past Lives

 

Just a bit of a random entry, about life stuff that makes me reflect. Last week we got together with a few people that I went to church with from about 5^th grade through college. We went to a small Baptist church called Hillside with Grandpa Ken and Grandma Patty. There were only ever about 15 or so kids near my age range, but about 8 of us were closer and spent all those years together. They were not my closest group of friends since I didn’t attend school with any of them, and yet we had a lot of meaningful moments together, as well as the fact that I dated a few of the girls.

The strange thing was, well I guess its not all that strange to grow apart after living very different lives the past 15 years, but the strange thing was I had this feeling I was looking at them from a distance. Maybe a better way to put it is walking down a street, and you see someone familiar approach, but you are with friends and they are as well, so you don’t stop to speak, you just make eye contact as you pass, silent recognitions in each of you that there was once familiarity, intimacy, a closeness, but that has passed, and would be difficult to rebuild.

We took you guys to the park with us to meet them, and two of the girls, now women, that I was closer to were there. We mostly made small talk, each of us being parents, nearing 40, the life we knew with one another seemed so very ethereal. I remember Jenna used to be hilarious, she and I would joke constantly, she could light up any room. When my grandfather died she came to the funeral to be there with me. I hung out with her friends and her on the weekends sometimes, we watched countless movies together, we kissed once, but immediately realized we were only every supposed to be friends- it was a pretty funny and instant mutual understanding. Kandy was there as well. She was my first girlfriend, yea at a small church you kind of end up dating everyone at some point. We went to Alt rock concerts together, she always wanted to be a surfer girl, and loved ska music. She was really wholesome, and I always loved that. I remembered sitting on a beach with her while we were youth group leaders at a place called Camp Surf in San Diego. I had just started dating your mother, I don’t think she was dating the man that would eventually become her husband yet. I just remember talking in the moonlight, most likely about life and dreams, I don’t remember the content, just that we were there once together in a place she loved and wanted to remain.

You might live one life, but it seems you often live many, and sometimes the people who are very important to you are only so for a season, a fellow traveler for part of the trail, but they have a different destination that eventually diverges from yours. I feel so melancholy about it at times, but that might just be my yearning for youth. I often feel the same way when I see videos of you three when you were younger. It’s the knowledge that I existed with you in that place, and the gladness for the joy we shared, but the pain that you have matured, and are no longer fully who you were then. Your little voices, innocence, outright wonder, unabashed love. The bible says at the end of our lives we will pass through the fire, that we will not be burned, but that we will smell like smoke. The fire is to remove the worldly things, things that must remain behind. When I pass through you will remain, God has made you a part of me, the love I hold for you, the joy you wove though my life, it is eternal.

Girls, I tell you some of the most meaningful relationships I had growing up were with women. I didn’t date all of them, some I wanted to, others were always just friends. I didn’t get to grow up with sisters so perhaps that is why they had even more of an impact on me. As women it will be tough for you sometimes, I am sure, some guys you hang out with will most likely always harbor a quiet desire to be more than your friend, maybe if they are lucky it will be reciprocated. Others will just be like brothers, ones that look out for you, that know a part of you they feel called to protect because you are special to them. It is a beautiful unique thing to be non-romantic friends with people of the opposite sex. I pray for your friends almost every week, because they are such an important part of life. Love you girls.

Rwanda

 

Summer 2022. Your mother and I had been wanting to return to Africa for quite a few years now. The last time we went was 9 years ago, we spent two weeks in Mozambique serving at an orphanage in Maputo, and then one week on safari in South Africa. This time our destination was the beautiful country of Rwanda, it exceeded all of our expectations.

I continually said during the trip, “I feel like we are in the garden of Eden”. Everything was green, well cultivated, peaceful, and somehow a bit otherworldly. We began our trip in Akagera, a national park that hosts most of the wildlife Africa is so famous for. We spent 3 nights in a tented lodge on the banks of a lake, each night after dinner on the deck overlooking the water we could hear the hippos coming up to graze on the grasses, in the morning we would have our coffee on the same deck and then go and explore the park. There were rivers, rolling hills and expanses of grassland. We saw many zebra, buffalo, elephant and numerous other birds and mammals. The lions and leapords eluded us this trip, but I do hope to return someday to try our luck again. One highlight was having lunch in the middle of a vast savannah with some rhino in the distance, and enjoying some gin with our guide Jean-Marie. 

From Akagera we headed to Volcanoes national park, the destination for many international visitors due to the prize it holds, mountain gorillas. Before our gorilla trek though I signed us up for what I thought would be an easy, touristy type hike up an extinct volcano called Mount Bisoke with a summit that is 3,711 meters above sea level. The hike began well enough, through some flat farmlands in the morning fog and light rain and then up some gently sloping almost rainforest like slopes. The trees and scenery were magnificent, the mud we had to walk through was not. When I thought we were halfway our guide began to laugh saying we had only done the easy part, for some reason I thought he was messing with us, unfortunately for me he was not! It became a 4 hour ascent up increasingly steep and muddy slopes, thankfully we had hired porters to help with our bags, and with literally holding our hands on the steepest and muddiest portions. Without their aid it might have been a 5 hour ascent, and perhaps I would have done some of it on all fours. There is nothing quite like thinking you wont be able to accomplish something, wrestling with it in your mind, trying not to let yourself give way to turning back to safety and comfort, persevering, and receiving the prize. Well, we persevered and were rewarded with a spectacular view of the country below, and the lake that sits at the center of the volcanic crater. The feeling of joy and accomplishment, mixed with a healthy dose of relief as we rested on the summit will not be one I forget soon.

The day after our hike was the long anticipated one, the day we would get to spend an hour with a mountain gorilla family. In the morning all the tourists that will be trekking for the day gather at the visitor center and are broken into groups and assigned a guide and a family to visit. Our family was called Kwitonda, it had 20 members including two silverbacks that were brothers. We hiked for about an hour through a pathless forest, our two guides in front hacking with machetes through the bamboo and vines, while communicating with the trackers who locate the family every morning. Slowly we emerged into a clearing and we began to see black shapes in the distance, then suddenly we seemed to be amongst the family.

It is hard to describe the feeling of awe we all were held captive with for that hour. These gentile animals that seemed almost mystical due to their rarity in this world, and to surviving coming to the brink of extinction. I stood near the Silverback as he slowly observed his visitors, casting his eyes occasionally on us in between small interruptions of feeding. Around us his wives and children groomed one another, played, swung on branches above our heads which felt like they were showing off, and the youngsters cuddled with their mothers. They were so quiet, and content, they felt like Rwanda in a lot of ways. Seemingly at peace, surrounded by a beautiful eden, contemplative, a family that had survived past tragedy. At the end of our hour we sat while the troop marched up the mountain to bed down, at times they were only an arms length away from us. The dominant Silverback was the last up the hill, we thought we had moved out of his way but I guess he had another path in mind. He ended up passing directly where we were standing as we quietly and respectfully moved out of his path. Watching him go by was awe inspiring, such strength and beauty, it was all just splendidly magnificent.

Our last stop for Rwanda was Nyungwe Forest National Park. On the way there we had lunch on the banks of Lake Kivu, it was like a tropical paradise. Mom and I swam in the water which to us was a perfect temperature. Nyungwe is home to a lot of primates, some people do Chimpanze trecks but we opted for two adventures, hiking to a waterfall and a sky canopy walk on suspension bridges above the trees. The hike was wonderful, we had the trail to ourselves- and 5 different species of monkeys and numerous bird species. The forest was absolutely beautiful, and following the river up to a massive waterfall was an amazing experience. The canopy walk was just an interesting perspective on how large the park is, I am not a fan of heights but felt totally secure.

That mostly sums up Rwanda. As I was writing this I just started thinking about our last day, mom and I kind of took it easy until our evening flight. It was fun just seeing more of Kigali with her and reflecting back on our week. I guess I also omitted that we began our journey with a visit to the genocide museum. It was very well put together, telling personal stories of an event that claimed the lives of between 800,000 to 1M people. One of the most striking things was that often time it was neighbors killing people they had been friends with. People in close knit communities were turned against one another over the course of a few years. The Hutus told their people that the Tutsi owed them something, that they looked down on them, and were responsible for all the negative things that had happened to the Hutus. The Hutu leaders created hearts of envy, resentment, bitterness and eventually enough hatred that they could kill children they used to care for in many cases. It was a sad reminder of what evil the human heart can be capable of if we drink those poisons that blind us to the humanity of others. The end of the museum is focused on the beautiful healing that has taken place since that time. People coming together to forgive, not even identifying any longer as Hutu or Tutsi, rebuilding what is now one of the most prosperous and peaceful countries in all of Africa. I hope someday to go back with the three of you. Next I will write about our family adventure to Alaska!

2022 Catch Up

 

Ok so once again I have been terribly delinquent in writing…. No excuses, just poor planning and execution/ time management on my side. Good news is that a lot has happened! Ill give a broad rundown and then from now on get a bit more specific in each of your personal notes near the end.

First big thing is we invested in ski gear…. And then proceeded to get injured/ sick! This past year we went skiing with the Login’s to Purgatory- just north of Durango CO. First day started off well enough- ski school was open this year so that’s where you all went for half a day. Well on our second run Mrs. Gabby had a bad fall and tore her ACL and I believe MCL- good news is she is on a good road to recovery. That happened about the same time that Cora was getting very sick, so by halfway through day one we had two back at the house recovering. Then I took Deacon for our last run of the day…. After a fall he caught by binding with his ski while I was getting him back up and wretched my leg around so hard I felt like I tore something. I managed to make it down, but I skipped out on skiing the second day. I made it back to the slopes with Cora by day 3 and we got some good runs in- but all in all it was a rough trip from that perspective. We did however have a great time as families together

Next on the list I guess that was eventful was spring break. We did a camping trip to a place in AZ I had actually never been to- near Aztec Peak. It was beautiful, a creek running right by our campsite, a great overlook from the mountain top over eastern AZ, you guys all exploring and being brave. We took some time at the summit of Aztec peak to stop and pray, thanking God for the works of his hands, the beauty he has fashioned for us, the time we had together as a family and so many other blessings. That night we made hobo pie which consists of hamburger, onion and potatoes wrapped in tinfoil and thrown into the coals of the fire. You guys wolfed it down, and then Quinn proceeded to ask every 5min when we could make smores! We had to gather a lot of firewood as it was in the 40’s at night- cold for us Phoenicians. It was fun climbing into the tent and getting all snuggled in. Dixie waited patiently at the door as we got settled and then darted in and greeted each one of us. Quinn, she picked you to sleep on for most of the night.

The next day we checked out a waterfall and then headed to explore the creek some more before departing. You guys were doing great crossing the creek and climbing on things, being brave and appreciating how beautiful the area was. We stopped for a snack in a spot with a really pretty waterfall and Cora found a seat on an old log hanging over the creek. Well that log was not as strong as it looked and as she was bouncing on it there was a crack- down went Cora, and the log, on top of her leg. Quinn you were also sitting on the log, and I turned and grabbed it quickly as you fell off in the direction it was rolling towards. All in all it could have been much worse.

Cora could not walk and was in a lot of pain, so I carried her to the truck and gave her some Advil. Luckily, we were packed up already, so we headed for home. One visit to the Urgent care and two x-rays later we learned she had broken her tibia and fibula. Cora, you did well and were brave through the whole thing- in one more week you get your cast off and will be able to walk again!

Shortly after all of this I began my new role as the Western Sales Director. I had been wanting to get back into sales for a few years now and this was a great opportunity to do so. I was offered another position that was perhaps more glamorous and would have been better for upward mobility in the company, but more and more my goals are to have the lifestyle I want, not to trade too much of my time for a little more money that wont begin to buy back the things I am giving up to get it. We also would have had to move to Atlanta. As much as I like GA too much of our lives is here, and we have such a fantastic community I just don’t see being able to replace it, or that even $2M a year would be worth doing so. This world measures us in very different ways than it should, and I feel drawn to pursue that which it would deem of value, but the longer I live the more I know the true worth of things, first and foremost is my life with Mom and all of you.

Lastly and quite tragically another reminder that you have to enjoy the present moments without too much worry or security about the future. Our sweet Neighbor Lisa has passed away from cancer. She was on the path to recovery but unfortunately it spread aggressively and took her life. She was always a very quiet reserved person, with a very gentile spirit. Cora she would put out tons of arts and crafts stuff for you and Adam to do, and she would always clean it up without complaint, quietly serving and taking joy in you two playing. Deacon she would also put out a garbage truck for you, even if Adam was not out. You loved tearing up bits of paper and loading it, then dumping it from the truck. Quinn she would get chalk and paint for you and help you wash up. Lisa was one of those quiet unassuming people that you wish filled the world more than they do. I was filled with grief at her passing, for Adam, for John, and for all those who loved her. I know later in life you may not remember her- but when you get older and read these pages I hope you can reflect on the kindness and love she showed you all, and that hopefully we will all see her again.

Cora, well lately you have been mostly interested in Olivia Rodrigo as well as the old standby Taylor Swift. Perhaps it is because you also have your first love interest at school. His name is Hunter, we call him bugger Hunter because when you were in kindergarten together, he used to put buggers in your hair! You don’t like discussing it very much with us, but we are doing our best to let you know your feelings are normal and helping ever so slightly to guide you a bit. As expected, you are dealing with your broken leg very well, showing some good toughness and adaptability. At the same time it is good for you to empathize and deal with some hardship and I believe you are learning from that as well. It was fun again on the ski trip and camping trip to see your bravery and self-confidence. It seems the confidence level has shifted so much in the past few years, which is great to see. A super fun part of you being 11 is your tendency to argue, complain, or disagree before really knowing what you are talking about! Much fun to work with! We will get through it though, typically just takes us sitting you down and having a less emotional driven conversation. Love you so much, my very grown, but still plenty of growing to do big girl. 

Quinn, You are such a bright light in our house. You are always quick to compliment and be kind, you always have sweetness radiating from you. When you sit next to me for very long you will start rubbing my beard, face, hand or arm. There are never enough hugs or kisses goodnight, and almost every night you request and get a piggyback ride to bed. Lately your best little friends have been Etta, Lulu, Pippa at school, and one or two boys who you refuse to leave alone. We tell you you’re too young for boyfriends and you defiantly say “I’m not gonna listen” or something like “I just like them so much”. Needless to say I am a bit scared about the future….. but you sure are a joy in our lives and quick to make us all laugh and love you. We still often call you our crested screamer, ask for 2min of no talking, and or refer to you as a little monster, but we monstrously love you dearly.