Well this one is a bit of a hard one, as I am still somewhat in the midst
of figuring it out. On December 17th we hosted a front yard Friday
for the neighborhood at our house. Your father drank too much and that night I
noticed my heart feeling funny. Long story short I ended up in the hospital the
next morning after your mother listened to me with a stethoscope and decided I
should go in.
I was in something called atrial fibrillation, not entirely uncommon, but
quite scary for me. It makes your heart contract too quickly, and irregularly, and
not properly pump all the blood out. I stayed in the hospital overnight and you
all came and visited me. It was the first time I had spent the night as a
patient in a hospital, and the first time I have had a serious health issue. It
has shaken me in a way that makes me uncomfortable, and I am still having bouts
of depression over it. Your mother has been so good and supportive to me
through this, I cannot imagine doing this alone.
At the same time as this a little boy named Hollis, who’s family attends
church with us passed away from a form of cancer called DPIG. It is very rare,
currently untreatable, and I believe always fatal. He passed away in early
January, just shy of being 8 years old.
All of this to say I have thought about death more in the past two months
than I have in the past 32 years. So many questions and uncertainties race
through my mind. I have come to some conclusions that I thought I would share
with you, they are of course just my own.
If I die tomorrow doesn’t much matter as if I die 50 years from now.
Physical death is an unsettling certainty, and thinking of Hollis and so many
like him that die so young has led me to the belief life is not about years, it
is about securing eternity. The book of Ecclesiastes has writings from the
wisest man who ever lived, King Solomon. He had power, women, wealth, all the
things that men desire, and yet he was not fulfilled by those things. Every day
myself and my fellow man chase some or all of these things. If I died a
millionaire or penniless it does not change my immortal life, my place in
heaven is no more or less secure. If I taste every pleasure on earth it does
not soften the blow of death, the longer you live the more you will find
pleasure is fleeting in every form and does not satisfy you for long.
I compare myself to Hollis. He was far braver than I will ever be, and
from the outside it may seem that his life was not as full as someone like me,
but once again, what do years matter in eternity? It says in the bible that
there are no tears, no pain, no sorrow in heaven. There can be no longing for
what we did not have on earth when we have everything in heaven, a true and
lasting fulfillment that none of us can truly understand on earth. The longer I
live the more I am convinced that a life focused on eternal existence with God
cannot be judged on the content and quality of its earthly existence, it can
only be judged on one thing along, did the person know God?, and accept him as
their Lord and Savior.
The issue with this line of thinking is the obvious question “so what’s
the point of living”? I will do my best to answer for myself but first a
favorite quote of mine, “that life is worth living is the most necessary of
assumptions, and were it not assumed, the most impossible of conclusions”. I
live my life now around these things: Being a good Husband and Father, being a
good neighbor (not geographically limited), following Christ, and doing his
will. When I was younger than I am now (still think of myself as young) I lived
life for one thing… Pleasure.
The world currently is telling people one thing, again and again,
“happiness is in reach”, “contentment is just around the corner”! There is
always something you can buy, someone you can have sex with, an alcoholic
drink, a medication, a job that leaves you one step away from making it, from
being happy, from filling the hole in your life. I lived like that, so will
you, it’s natural when you are young, because young people don’t think they
will ever die. When your life seems without end you don’t focus on how to
prepare for that end, it’s like a class with no set tests or final, you don’t
study for something you won’t be taking. My priorities when I was young was to
have sex, have fun, and make a good living. That evolved to get married, have
nice things, provide for my family, and have adventures. I didn’t preoccupy
myself very much with being a good Christian, or following Gods call for my
earthly life. I attended and tithed to the church, helped others when I could,
but mostly just lived for a good time, and comfortable life.
Issue is someday comfort comes to an end. Cancer, job loss, relationship
issues, other sicknesses, it gets to everyone- eventually. Rich, poor, good,
bad, no one escapes suffering in life. I regret this heart thing happened to
me, or rather I find myself wishing it did not. But it has served as a turning
point, my life is vulnerable, I am vulnerable, and I should live my life in a
way that I will feel unashamed about when I die. Once again you cannot earn
your way into heaven, but God also understood that you cannot pleasure your way
to a full life. We have the example of Solomon I mentioned earlier, there is no
(one next experience) that provides a threshold over which we can pass to have
achieved a “full life”.
Ok, so what does this matter to you? First, I want you to enjoy being
young. A popular verse in the bible is Ecclesiastes 11:9 “You who are young, be
happy while you are young, and let your heart give you joy in the days of your
youth. Follow the ways of your heart and whatever your eyes see” one part that
is left out when people quote it sometimes is “but know that for all these
things God will bring you into judgment”. I want you to have fun when your
bodies are young, the world is still vast, and there is nothing like the time
in your youth when you are unencumbered by adult life and responsibility. Your
mother and I will try to provide you plenty of opportunity for this.
Secondly, I want you to live well, to live knowing there is an end to
your race. Do not dwell on death, but focus on living a good Christian life.
Help others, even your enemies, be kind and patient, love even when it is not
returned, seek ways to share Jesus with others so they too can gain eternal
life. Wealth and status and the accolades of the world will not matter once
your life is done. I have done a very poor job up to this point of sharing
Christ with others, of making it something I am willing to put out there. It
can be an uncomfortable business, but it is our primary calling from God.
Lastly, have a heart of gratitude, even in the valleys of life. While in
the hospital and after I caught myself feeling jealousy at others that do not
have this ailment. I was upset that it happened to me, that there was something
wrong inside of me I could not change. How foolish it is to think such things.
All around the world there is suffering. Children that never know love- only
abuse and neglect, children like Hollis that succumb to terrible diseases,
adults that are victims of violence, women who are terrorized and abused by
men, all manner of evil and injustice. Ultimately, we can look to Jesus, a man
who lived a sinless life, but who was tortured and murdered in a terrible
manner, if a perfect man was not free from suffering how can we expect to be,
how can we complain? The only defeat that awaits us as believers is the one we
inflict on ourselves.
One final word. If I die before you are grown know that I will see you
again, that I was not afraid or sad, and that I have no regrets about what I
did not yet accomplish in life. I am so fortunate in so many ways. I have my
sight for Gods wonders, my ears have heard beautiful music, my heart has loved
your mother and been filled with love by her in a manner I never knew possible
when I was young- or even for the first few years of our marriage. I met all 3
of you, got to kiss and hold you close, watch you grow and see how wonderful
the gift of life is from God, how miraculously and wonderfully you were formed.
My legs traveled the world wider than I thought possible, but in all my travels
I began to long more and more for home where you all were. I will never do
anything as great as helping to bring the three of you into this world. I want
for nothing, God has given me more than I could ever warrant.
Quinn- you smile all the time, you reach out with your little hands and
grab people’s faces now. Your eyes are so big and blue and bright, nearly 7
months old now and I think you have accepted me as a distant second to having
your mother hold you. Your sister and brother dote upon you. You squeal with
delight so often, and have become a good little eater of food. We love you and
your fuzzy strawberry blonde hair, according to Cora you have gotten more
kisses than anyone else as there are 4 of us to kiss you all the time.
Cora- we just had our first father daughter date/ dance. We went to
Federal pizza and played games and talked about school, your friends, what
foods each of us love, music, all kinds of things. We danced like crazy and
then you ran all around with your friends from school. You are so tall and
beautiful, so kind and silly. I love your imagination, I love how you are silly
like me. My big girl, you help out so much around the house. The neighbors just
did a lemonade stand- you LOVED selling things, maybe someday you will follow
me into a career in sales, whatever you decide on I know you will be fantastic.
